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Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I don't know what's happening
Anymore
Anymore
My mind
Against me
Like water on rock
Hot tears
Blinking
Down my cheeks
Fast beat of my aching heart
I want to go back
Or I want to die
I'm not sure which
Perhaps both
But I don't
Don't want
To be here
Anymore
Anymore
My soul is weary
I cannot feel
I cannot fight
I can't go on
Anymore
Anymore
For the first time
In a long time
I'm thinking
Of walking outside
Into the street
It would hurt for a moment
Then no more pain
Anymore
Anymore
I want to **** myself
But I haven't the courage
And I want someone
To know
How my mind
Is betraying me
But I don't
Don't want to tell
Anyone
So when they ask me
How I'm doing
I tell them I'm fine
Because I don't have the heart
To tell them
I don't want
To be alive
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
It's happening again.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
We would destroy each other
But oh how I long for the chaos
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I know
You want me
I want you too
But it's hopeless
Fire and water
Cannot become one
The sky
And the ocean
Can never meet
Summer and winter
Know not each other's names
But I know yours
And my darling
Our souls
Have known each other
For a far longer time
All I want is to let him coax summer from my wintery lips.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
It's no use
In sharing the burden
When there's nothing to be done
For what's the point
In showing pictures
Of a broken past
When all one can do
Is watch the flames burn?
Some things
You just have to carry alone.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I just wanted someone
Who makes no demands on me
                       He doesn't want me for my body
Or to make himself feel good
                He doesn't want me just to touch me
Or have me cook his dinner
Or show up at work functions
Or simply to be a husband
                    He doesn't want me for a moment
A week
A month
Or even a year
                                   He wants me for 20 years
50
60
                              He wants me to embrace me
And tell me I'm his
That's all I want
Someone who doesn't want me for my body
Or heart
But for my soul
Someone who wants me for the
Rest
      Of
         His
              Life
I'm having some old memories from my childhood resurface, and I'm having trouble feeling...safe...and I'm thankful that I finally found someone who doesn't want me for what I can give Him, because I can't offer Him anything more than what He already has. But thousands of years ago, before I was born or my parents, or their parents, He gave up His son's life for me. He doesn't want to own me as property, He doesn't want to hurt me, or use me, everything I could offer, He already has. And yet, when I'm alone, I can feel His arms around me. Not to touch me, or take anything from me, just to hold me and let me know I'm safe in His embrace. 😌
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I    thought    I    had    moved    on
My    mind    drifted
To ­   lovelier    things
And    people
Vast    mountain    cliffs
Ba­shed    with    frozen    waves
Wind    in    the    fall    leav­es
And    a    solidarity
In    my    soul
But    here    I    am­
Once    again
Wishing    for    what    we    were
Even    thoug­h
I    told    you
It    was     time    to    move    on
So    you     did
But    I'm    lost    again
At    a    loss
With    your    p­hantom    arms
Around me
A    wasted    wish
That    things    were    different
But   ­ they're    not
I    guess
Maybe    now
You're     happy
And    I     guess
That's    all    I    really    wanted
Maybe
Just    maybe
It's    better    this    way
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2020
Maybe
When we've both changed
And the time is right
You'll find me again
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