have you ever loved
an old-self, a husk of
person no longer there?
maybe I am an old-self
too.

for a while I've been confused---
lots of hours spent detangling
my hair in the shower, wondering
if I should sit down or stand up or
lean, wondering how it is possible
to be sort of sad or kind of not really
sad. I've always had problems with
letting go and I told my mom I haven't
tried with anyone because I don't like
feeling that way I don't like the strange
jealousies that come with falling for a face
but the truth is, it's all about chris and it
has been for months now.  Because loving
him is loving an old-self, because loving him
is loving an old-self, because who I love isn't
there? And who he loved isn't here (maybe I'm
just saying that) but there have been lots of hours
spent detangling my hair in the shower wondering
if I should sit down or stand up. Lots of hours.