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...
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
...
Buried deep
hidden inside, so far down you almost forgot it was there.
almost but not completely forgotten

something you are so afraid of,
so ashamed for anyone else to see
it's so hard to let it out,
so hard to just try to live with it,

but once it's out
you will be free
it will no longer haunt you, you will be free
just let it out, let your self be free
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2013
I'm afraid to get close to you
I'm afraid to open up to you
I'm afraid to let you in
I'm afraid that when I wake up
       you won't be there
I'm afraid this was all just a dream
I'm afraid that this was real
I'm afraid that you'll realize
       you can do so much better
I'm afraid to let you see the real me
I'm afraid I won't be good enough
I'm afraid you'll leave me
       and take my heart with you
I'm afraid to hold you close but
I'm also afraid to let you go
I'm afraid of it all
But mostly
I'm afraid I'll never meet you
I'm afraid you don't exist
I'm so afraid
4/24/13
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
I'm glad I have a friend like you

you always know the right thing to say
when i'm feeling down

I'm so happy that we met

You do the silliest thing
and always make me laugh
even when I don't think that I can

A friend like you is one in a million

we talk about any and everything
even though i'm 2,000 miles away

You're my best friend.

I don't know what I would do without you
you keep me sane and crazy all at once.

You're one of the most average people I know

We are average together
my Russian comrade
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you

Not to get all mushy, but I love you buddy.
Stay average forever!
To one of my best friends ever. You are the definition of friend. I love you and hope we stay average together forever!
Maria Rodriguez Aug 2012
Lost in another world.
One filled with love and happiness.
One that has forgiveness.
A world with no regrets.
And then you stop reading
Returning to reality.
A reality filled with fear and hate
One with no mercy
A world full of regrets.
So you start reading again
Trying to lose yourself in a book
That way you don't have to remember
But no matter how much you read
You can't ever forget
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2013
A plastic smile
Fragile as glass

Easily made
Easily broken

A reminder of something lost
Something hard to find.

A plastic smile
Fragile as glass

So easy to make
So easy to break

Lost hopes
Broken dreams

Shattered in pieces
Never to be put back together

A plastic smile
Fragile as glass

Made in hopes,
That it won't be broken again.
January 21,2013
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2013
Clammy hands
Fumbling fingers
Shuddering breaths
Then the pounding of your heart
Where there was total confidence
There is now nothing but doubts
Eating away at you
What seemed like a good idea
Now seems like the biggest of mistakes
Can't take it back
Have to live with the consequences
Made your choice
Now live with it
Was it worth the risk to your heart?
January 21, 2013
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
Silent, but screaming inside.
screaming as loud as I can
Waiting, just hoping someone will notice.
A smile on my face ,
A laugh in my throat,
But pain in my eyes.
A plea for help
For someone to notice,
That on the inside, I am broken
In pain, shredded, tattered, in pieces.
A silent scream in my eyes.
Waiting for someone to notice my pain.
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
It's back, when you finally
believed it was gone.
A pounding, a stabbing
pain so sharp
it takes your breath away.
It leaves you in tears
tearing you apart inside
leaving you in pieces
tattered and shredded
Broken and Alone
Maria Rodriguez Nov 2013
I can't look at you
without seeing him.

I can't look at you
without remembering.

I can't look at you
without everything haunting me.

I can't look at you.
I just can't look at you.
4/9/13
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
Can you see through my false smile?
Can you see the pain
        hidden beneath my fake happiness?
Do you see that I'm hurting inside?
       But I can't, I won't let it show.
If I do, it makes everything real.
It means that I can't pretend
      that it never happened,
I refuse to let it show.
To let anyone see that I'm hurting
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2012
Waiting for things to change.
Waiting for things to get better.
Gotta stop waiting
Gotta make things better.
I need help
I need you
Please be there for me always
Please don't  ever leave me
Make me yours
Make me special
I need you
I love you
Don't  leave me all alone
Not again
I won't  survive
Maria Rodriguez May 2010
she fades to become no more
your savior, your queen
will you continue on
or will you now embrace that which you rejected for her
Darkness is no longer an idea
but an entity that will consume you
she is no longer there
nothing but memories
left to those who can not understand
will you continue
or will you embrace Darkness
through you she may live
your savior, your queen
make your choice
Darkness or Light
Darkness may take your pain but leave you empty
Light heal you to make memories sweet
choose
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
she's standing there holding him as he cries
and over his head she is staring at me
I can't tell what's in her eyes
I can't tell if it's pity or anger or maybe
     it's understanding

I'm standing there hugging myself
she's standing there holding him as he cries

and at first I'm numb inside,
and then I feel it
it's bubbling up inside me trying to get out.
But I can't let it out
this isn't about me

and then I run because I see something in her eyes
that I can't accept yet
I run as far as I can
not seeing what's around me

All I see,
is her holding him as he cries

it should be me holding him,
but it's my fault he is crying
it's my fault that I'm laying here cold and alone

I should be with him
instead I'm laying here
waiting for someone to find me
or for everything to just fade to black

I was running, running from everything
and now for my stupidity
I'm laying here
cold and alone

i saw nothing around me
until it was to late

I always see it when it's too late
but this will be the last time

and still all I really see
is her holding him as he cries
Maria Rodriguez May 2010
There is a hole in my chest
So dark and endless it frightens me
Will it, can it ever stop growing
Can it be filled, or fixed
Or will it leave me empty

I've found someone who can heal  me
Someone who makes me feel whole again
Can it be true

No, they were only creating their own hole
Leaving me empty and alone
I'm falling apart and can't be fixed
Do I even want to be fixed anymore
Do I want to be whole

There is nothing left of who I was...
These holes, they no longer matter
I no longer want to be complete
This popped in to my head while I was trying to sleep so I wrote it down and in the morning it didn't sound half bad so I decided to post it.
Maria Rodriguez Aug 2012
It seems like forever since I last saw you
But really it was only yesterday
How could things have changed so much
In so little time
And how could I have thought this wouldn't change anything
I don't know
Of course it would
I guess this is the end, right
That's what you've come to tell me
I can see it in your eyes
Please just tell me
I want this to be over
You won't have to see me again
All I ask is that you don't forget
It wasn't all bad
I'll always remember
So please don't ever forget.
Aug.29,2012
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2012
And just before he feel asleep
He whispered
"You're just as lost as I am"
It's the sadest yet most sweet
Thing anyone has said to me.
Just knowing that there really is
Someone just like me
Lost and alone
Even though we are surrounded
By those that say they love us.
You listened
Even though you barely know me.
You held me while I cried
And just let me be.
Not trying to give me empty words.
Giving me comfort without even trying to.
You let me in and held my hand.
It was lovely
I will never forget.
Thank you
It means more than you will ever know.
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2013
I'm being eaten alive
from the inside out.
i can feel it
It's oozing and festering
trying to consume me.
I close my eyes
and I can see it
this little monster
growing bigger by the day
Glowing eyes,
a grin filled with mischief
covered in pus and boils
It's filled with
my rage and sorrow.
it feeds off of all my negative emotions.
I try to hide it
to close it off from the rest of me.
It just makes it worse
I'm afraid to let it out
but it's boiling over
it's consuming me
Eating me alive from the inside out
Until I am nothing.
9/12/13
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2013
I wanted fireworks
I wanted something magical to happen
I wanted
I don’t know what I wanted
Whatever it was, I didn’t get it

Instead, I got the awkward meeting of our lips
The hesitant movement of hands
The feeling of something not quite right
I tried so hard
Forcing things to happen

It wasn’t meant to be,
But we tried anyway

We both tried
Knowing it would be nothing more than that one time
Was it worth it?
Should it have happened?
Should I have let it happen?

Six months later you bring it up again
Asking what I thought about it
Did I have fun?
Was it good?

I was honest
I told you what I felt
I told you
But you didn’t say what you  thought.

Whatever it was I was expecting,
I didn’t get it
No fireworks
No magic
Not even a spark

A few kisses
Not much more
It wasn’t right
It wasn’t what you wanted
It wasn't what I thought it would be

But now I know
I won’t regret it
It’s what I wanted at the time but,
I think our time ran out before it even started.
February 25,2013
I think it still needs some work. Any suggestions?
Maria Rodriguez Sep 2014
You see the smile,
You hear the laughter.
I show you who I wish I was.
Not who I am.
You don't see my tears.
You don't hear my sobs.
I don't show you, what I really am.
I hide all my broken pieces.
I hide my tears and smother my sobs.
Mostly though,
I hide me
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2012
Can't  find you
I've  been looking for so long
Where are you?
Are you searching for me?
I can't  keep living this way
I'm  tired of looking only to come up empty
Why can't  I  find you?
Are you hiding?
I've  waited so long for you
I want so bad to find you
I need you in my life

I know you'll  be exactly what I  need
I've  waited this long
I'll keep waiting
Untill it's my time to find you
"God has someone really special for you.
That's  why you've  had to wait so long."
How I  hope this is true
Have to be patient
I'll find you when I'm  ment to
but please hurry
I need you so much
I'm  so lonely without you.
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
Alone with no hope.
No hope of somehow,
getting better.
So alone, it hurts
Trying so hard, so hard
to make it work.
To make it better,
to make it stop.
Broken, so broken
there is no chance
of fixing it.
With no will to fix it.
Broken, Shattered,
with no hope.
Damaged beyond repair.
and sadly I no longer care.
Fixed, broken,
It doesn't matter,
because in the end,
I'm still alone.
Maria Rodriguez Sep 2012
Can you see inside me
To that place
Where all my fears live and grow
Eating away at me.
Have you seen
That place inside me
So full of darkness
And hate
So much hate it's hard
So hard, to hard to hide it.
A place filled with bitterness
And cold.
A coldness so strong
It seems nothing can melt it.
Have you seen that place inside me?
A place that scares me
And will never be filled with light
Can you see it?
It's such a small part of me
But it's filled with all the things
I try to hide from everyone
Especially from myself
I don't know how to change it
Can you see it?
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
I've had a lot of time to think
I've really thought about it
I may change my mind but,
for now,
my answer is no.
The main reason?
I think that's all your looking for.
Me? I want more then that!
Honestly, if you think I'm that type of person,
well, then you really don't know me.
There is so much we don't know about each other
and that doesn't seem to bother you.
If you knew me at all,
you would know that's just not me.
Besides I want more than that.
I want someone that
no matter what will stay by side.
Someone that understands my moods.
Someone I can tell anything to
and know that they won't judge me
Someone that will hold me when I cry,
but never be the reason I'm crying
I want someone that will always make me feel special
Someone that will hold my hand
and not care who sees.
Is that you?
Are you that guy?
Are you my someone?
Will you do those things and more?
But maybe that's a lot to ask.
Maybe there isn't someone like that.
Maybe I'm asking to much,
but I can always hope.
Maria Rodriguez Jun 2010
Is this how things should be?
Silence so loud it hurts
So much pain, that you can't feel it anymore
What's supposed to happen now?
where do we go from here?
Things have changed so much,
but everyone still acts the same
Shouldn't things be better
Isn't it supposed to be different
I'm so confused...

It should be simple
it should be over
make it stop
Please.. just,  just make it end
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
It's so hard to find truth
in all these lies
It's so hard to trust
when everyone I trusted let me down.
It's so hard to find peace in all this chaos.
It's so easy to want,
but not to get it.
Maria Rodriguez Sep 2012
Sometimes I wish I could simply stop thinking.
Stop all the thouhts that are whizzing around in my brain.
Stop all the worrying and pointless self-indulgent fantasies
   That creep through my head.
I wish that I could have some sense of peace or at least  be content with myself.
To not be embaressed or selfconscious.
To all ways wonder what others think of me.
To not constantly wonder... whats wrong with me.
To simply stop everything.
All these false hopes and
   stupid wishes only hurt me more later
They build me up so high...  
And then I fall.
I pick myself up and try so very hard not to let it happen again
But no matter what I do
It still happens.
And each time it gets worse and worse.
I hardly have enough time to mend before I'm falling again.
Until finally I just stop getting up.
Laying there broken with my stupid thoughts
Wishing they would simply stop
Aug. 23,2012
Maria Rodriguez Apr 2013
You walk by,
        as if I am
        unimportant and
        nonexistant.
You walk by,
        like I never mattered
        like I was never special to you
        like I mean nothing.
You walk by,
        seeming oblivious
        to my tear filled gaze
        full of sorrow.
You walk by,
        like we never happened
        like my whole world was never
        turned upside down.
You walk by,
        and just keep walking.
Just as I turn away,
        you turn back and
        this time you watch
        as I just keep walking.
April 9,2013
Maria Rodriguez Jul 2010
Is it the sudden pounding of your heart
when you see them
Is it when everything  fades away
and all you see is them
All you can see is the way the wind plays with their hair
the shadows cast on their cheeks from their lashes
Is it the way their smile can suddenly lift your spirits
when nothing else can
Is it they way their voice makes you smile
for no reason at all
Is it how with one look your
whole world seems to shine
Is it when a simple hi
sends you into a fit of laughter
Is that what it is
is that what makes everyone try anything
to make it theirs
To make that their whole world
Is that what love is?
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2013
Maybe you didn’t mean it the way I took it
Maybe it came out wrong
Maybe you didn’t realize how that would sound
Maybe you didn’t....
and maybe I’m just delusional
Maybe I’m just making excuses for you again
Maybe I just don’t want to believe it
Maybe this is just wishful thinking
You knew what you were saying
You knew how it would sound
You knew how I would take it
You knew....
and you did it anyway
You’ll never change
Neither will I
I’ll just keeping making excuses for you
But maybe...
Maybe this time I won’t
Maybe this time I’ll fight back
Maybe this time I won’t just stand there and take it
Maybe this time....
Maybe just maybe
You never know
Because I just can’t stand it anymore
Maybe this time I’ll be the one to just get up and go
Maybe this time I’ll be who I want to be, not who you think I am
Maybe this time I’ll be who I want to see in the mirror, not what you want to see
You’re unbelieavable
You ruin everything
You should just go
Maybe I’ll finally tell you these things
Maybe I’ll finally tell you how I feel
Maybe I’ll finally tell you what’s on my mind
The only hope for me is to get over you
To make you just another memory
Maybe just maybe
February 25 , 2013
Maria Rodriguez Jan 2015
I found someone that doesn't want to fix me
Someone that doesn't want me to be perfect "because perfect is boring"
That finds me wonderful just the way I am
That doesn't want me to cover my cracks and scars
And when I ask why I'm told that they make me who I am and he     doesn't want me to be anyone else
I don't know how I got so lucky to find my guy,
But I am so glad I finally did
He's not perfect, but he's exactly right for me
He doesn't want me to be perfect
He just wants me
He makes me laugh and smile
Most of all he makes me happy.
Even if I could, I wouldn't change my past because then I might not be  here with my guy
And I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.
Jan 13,2015
Maria Rodriguez Mar 2012
Do you understand their meaning
Do you realize what important words they are
Are you able to accept them because, I mean them.
You've known me all your life,
but you know nothing about me.
And I, I know everything about you.
I know every secret, everything.
We are best friends and you know nothing.
Do you realize, I've been there for every heart break
I've been your support for every single one,
and there have been so many.
Do you realize that I've had just as many?
Each time you found someone new.
Each time you fell for that wrong one
and I had to put you back together
I lost just as much as you did
My heart broke watching you with each one that came and went,
but I'm tired of waiting for you to notice me,
and now someone has found in me
what you saw in all those other girls.
Something worth going after,
something special.
They see each and every scar you left in my heart
and they are fixing me.
I love you still.
You will always be my first love,
but you won't be my only one.
*Feb. 29*
Maria Rodriguez Mar 2012
You've found someone new.
You've replaced me.
I am no longer you're one and only.
It's taken me this long to finally see you
and now that I see you,
it's too late, you've moved on.
With each one that came and went
you were always there.
You put me back together and fixed me,
putting more of yourself in my heart.
Now that you're gone,
who will put me back together,
after my heart finishes breaking over you?
I know so much about you,
but really I know nothing at all.
Please don't leave me all alone.
Put me back together with more of you,
so that we can always be one.
Maria Rodriguez Jul 2010
Is it enough
to give love, kindness, friendship
Is it enough to give my everything
but never except it in return
An unrequited love
A hopeless friendship
Is it enough to give smiles, laughter, hope, love
but never have it for myself
It's all I can give, but it's never enough
Maria Rodriguez Jan 2013
You say you want me,
        But not for forever.
You say you need me,
        But not for forever.
You say you love me,
        But not for forever.
You fill me with hope,
        But you will yank it all away when you are done with me.
You tell me such sweet lies,
        But you are just slowly breaking my heart with each word.
You say you love me, you need me, you ask me to be yours,
        *But not for forever.
Jan.16,2013
Maria Rodriguez Apr 2010
To be me ,the one that sees but is never seen
Lies or truth who can tell
Am I what they see or something more
someone calls, but they do not hear me cry out
Is this real or just my dream
pain means nothing
defeated once again by nothing
love, life, home, peace
does any of this exist
what does it mean
can this truly be what was meant for me
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2013
You made me feel special
Like I was worth something
To you I was not just pretty
But perfect

I thought it would mean something
I thought what we had was special

I was wrong

You told me all the right things
You held me close as we danced
You knew exactly what to do
You took care of me

But when it was all said and done
I wasn't all that special
I wasn't pretty or perfect
I wasn't anything special

It meant nothing to you
I meant nothing to you
We had nothing

You made me feel cheap
*****, used.
I didn't matter
In the next room, totally forgotten

Out of sight out of mind

It was my fault,
Just as much as it was yours
I will own it
I will move past it

I will pick up my broken pieces
And keep moving forward

No matter what,
I refuse, to let you make me feel worthless
I refuse to let this break me.

I don't need you
To make me feel special
But for that one night,
I wanted to be something special to you.
10/24/13
Maria Rodriguez May 2013
Unrequited love
Broken friendship
Absent father

Trying to get though them as best you can

A broken heart
A battered soul
A shattered mind

Can't get through them
They've happened one too many times.
Nov. 05, 2012
Maria Rodriguez Nov 2013
Pop the top,
take a drink.

Sit back, relax,
close your eyes.
All is well.

Pop the top,
take a drink.

Let your drink
slide down your throat
to wash away your day.

Pop the top,
take a drink.

Just one more.
It doesn't matter.
Not with a drink in your hand.

Pop the top,
take a drink.

One last drink.
Just one more.
Always one more.

Pop the top,
take a good look.

Is this what I've become?
Always needing one more,
taking one more drink
to numb the pain.

Pop the top,
pour it down the drain.

One more drink
will make me numb,
but it won't change a thing.

Pop the top.

Close your eyes,
take a breath.

It's gonna be alright.
It's gonna be ok.

Let it out.

Pop the top,
not on a bottle,
but on your emotions.

Pop the top,
let it out.

Let the memories,
be washed away,
with one last good-bye.

Pop the top,
put it down,
walk away.
4/9/13
Maria Rodriguez Sep 2012
I'm scared
Scared of all the unknown
Scared of change
Scared of failure
     ...and of success
All the "what ifs"
They terrify me
I can't get back what I've lost
I don't know what I'm doing
I need help
I won't ask for it
Maria Rodriguez Sep 2014
Songs about Hate, about Hope.
Songs about Love, about Life.
Songs about Heartache.
Songs about Everything.
Songs that make you Laugh
Songs that make you Cry.
Songs to calm your Nerves.
Songs to heal your Aching Heart.
Songs, so many songs.
They are everything.
Giving you another chance to start over.
I'm falling apart,
So I play another song to help me fix my broken heart.
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2013
Headphones in
Music blaring
Deaf to the world
Trying to forget
Trying to remember
Not quite able to do either
Thinking to much
Missing someone you barely know
Trying to remember
Trying to forget
Not quite able to do either
Lost in a daydream
Fantasizing about what could be
Wishing and hoping for more
Trying to be content
Not quite there
Headphones in
Music blaring
Deaf to the world
Missing someone you barely know
Trying to remember
Trying to forget
Not quite able to do either
Turn the music up
Close your eyes
Think of what could be
Wishing and hoping for more
Missing someone you barely know
Trying to remember
Trying to forget
Fantasizing about what could be
Lost in a daydream
A gorgeous smile
A heart-clenching laugh
Brief moments shared
Shameless flirting
Harmless innuendos
A handsome face
A great smile
Full of compliments
Headphones in
Music blaring
Deaf to the world
Missing someone you barely know
Fantasizing about what could have been
Lost in a daydream
Trying to remember
Trying not to forget
Smiling the whole time
February 20, 2013
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
If I would give you everything,
would you keep it safe?
Would you protect it forever,
keep it safe,
and never give it back?
Or would you give it back
and break my heart?
Maria Rodriguez Feb 2012
How can I learn to trust you,
            if you don't talk to me?
How can I learn more about you,
           if you don't talk to me?
I want to feel special, wanted.
          Will you make me feel this way?
Will you accept me for who I am,
          no matter what?
Will you keep my secrets?
          Will you make me feel safe?
Will you lie to me?
          Will you avoid me?
Will you make me love you,
         then break me heart?
Maria Rodriguez Oct 2013
What do you see
When you look inside me?
What do you see
When you look in my eyes?
Can you see
The scared little girl
I was growing up?
Can you see
All my insecurities?
Can you see
All my secrets?
What do you see
When you look at me?
What do you see
When I stand all alone?
Is it a girl
So lost and afraid
She can't look you in the eye
and ask for help?
Is it a woman
Strong and confident
In who she is
And what she wants?
What do you see?
What do you see?
A strange mix of both?
Neither?
What do you see
When I finally,
Look you in the eye?
Can you see
All my broken pieces?
All the scars?
All the things
I've tried to hide?
Can you see it all?
Or
Is that just
What I see
When I finally
Manage to look at me?
4/24
Maria Rodriguez Aug 2012
Wasted breath
Hollow words
Words with no meaning,
Except for you
... For you they mean  everything
Everything... and nothing at all
Nothing, because no one
will give them to you
Everything, because they are
the words you live to hear
They are the words you strive to achieve.
They are your goal.
To have someone hear them and understand
That one person will understand and say them back
and then finally you will finally understand their meaning.
Once you understand
then it will all make sense.
Why you spent so long waiting to hear them
and why they mean so much even though
you don't completely understand why you need them so much.
      "I want you, I need you, please just be mine!"
Maria Rodriguez Apr 2012
You can't know how much this hurts,
Knowing that nothing I do or say will fix it.
Knowing that no matter how I try,
it will never bring back what was lost,
It will never fix that broken part of us.

I wake sometimes, hoping this was just a dream,
wishing that somehow things were different.

You used to be so full of life,
it was hard to keep up with you
and now, you go through life as if it were a chore.

Oh, how I want to take back that day.
That one careless act, that changed everything.
To make things better for you,
to fill you with life again.

If I could I would in a heartbeat.
I would do anything, to fix this.
But nothing I do or say will fix
what I did so thoughtlessly.

I can see the pain return to your eyes,
every time you look at me.
I can hear it in your voice,
every time you talk to me.

So I will go and never come back.
I will leave so that you won't have to
relive that pain every time you see me
Just know that I will love you
*Always

— The End —