Lead me to the darkness where
I will find my nightmare
So I can face it myself


In a battle of the wits
I will throw at it my sticks
The same ones that were thrown at me before.
I will sharpen them on stone,
Made of crystal and of bone,
The same one that has hurt me before.


But
We all know those don’t hurt as much,
As the words too sharp to touch,
That our enemies bestowed upon us.

So, I will think of every hurtful word
Every memory, every holler
Snicker, whisper ever heard.
I will cast it towards the darkness
Hoping it will hit as hard as it once did.
But with my mind and vision blurred
With hatred I once deterred
I will not realize what I have done.

At once, the light inside my soul
The one that shone throughout my struggles
The one that emanated through my bones
At once, it will dim and hardly glow

A cloud of chaos will surround
My body as I try to hear my own sounds
The ones I hurled at the night
At the enemy I thought I was supposed to fight

I will walk throughout the night,
Hoping someone will hear my plight,
I will walk and walk
Until I feel the pain

Of thousands of stones
Of millions of words
Of many sticks thrown at my bones
Until I realize at last,
The nightmare of my past,
The one that haunted my dreams,
That nightmare I was fighting,
I am now that nightmare,
The nightmare is me.

Why is it that
Whenever I have what everyone else wants
I still pine for what I had before?
Why is it when someone clearly loves me
I want those who don't anymore?
My heart hurts for every connection I've made
and lost
Every person, seemingly insignificant,
Is never just a person to me.
Everyone I meet, even for a moment
is important because I met them.

I hate how people purposely forget about people
Without letting those people know why
I hate how, to make ourselves feel better,
we push people away, instead of having
a human conversation and finding
light inside someone
that will bring us together.

I wish my brain could let my lips say
what they mean to the first time
Instead of shying away and never telling a soul
So I resort, to pen and paper,
To heal my wounds and spill my soul.

Lights,camera....
Watching people
People watching
Letting them pass
instead of acknowledging our connection
there's Timothy, we're in the same class ,
he doesn't know, but I think it's adorable
that he always forgets his calculator and asks for mine.
there's Lianne, we went to high school together, but now
we pretend we've never met,
turning our heads at the just the right angle,
so our eyes won't ever pass by each other, god forbid.
Clean slate, this college is.
Lights, camera...yet no action.
Here's Ronda. I want to tell her how beautiful she is
So she believes in herself.
But I just sit here.
People watching.
College campuses have a knack
of giving us windows to stare out of,
but no doors to lead us where we want to go.

beats.
bass.
bass beats.
bass beat bass beat.
the bass beats along with my heart.
the beat baselining my emotions.
the bass beats my body against yours.
the bass beats me.
unrelenting
my emotions run wild

Am I in a club dancing to beats
or dancing while the club beats me?
beats. beats. beats me.
hypnotized by beats and bass
mind and body control
out of my own control
beat bass beat bass.
bass beat. beat. beat.
its beating me.

You stare up at me, looking for answers.
But little do you know,
I am holding on to my insecurities for dear life.
My grey complexion is trying so hard
to cover up the truths I cannot swallow.
I am angry, sad, hopeful, in love, but
clouds can't have emotions right?
well
what do you think rain is for?
I stare back down at you because you
don't realize how similar we are.
But I'm just water vapor in the sky...
Well you're just a carbon-based life form.

The heart and the brain are at war

The beat goes to the synapses and makes them snap

The rubber band on the makeshift guitar

Plays a melody only the fingers understand.

The lips blow bubbles into the sky

Hoping they turn into balloons that cannot pop.

The candy store closes 3 hours too early

Because customers don’t want rotten teeth

But rotten hearts come from lack of childhood dreams

The apple core is thrown an inch from the wastebasket

The flies won’t devour it,

Because why consume what has already been consumed?

The consumers shop at flashy malls hoping to validate their originalities

With cookie cutter brand names.

The housewife in the kitchen bakes cookies without chips

Because chocolate can only appear when happiness is readily available

Her brain and heart at war, not over emotion, but rather out of obligation

Just Wait
Time will tell when
William Tell will attempt to shoot an arrow  
through your heart.

If he misses,
you are doomed
to a life of solitude and faithless trysts
trust is a hit-or-miss.

If it pierces through,
you are condemned to a life attached
like a leech to
some being whose
too tight embraces
take your breath away.

Wait….just…
Listen.
The wind is blowing
sweeping you
off your feet.
You’re head-over-heals
in over your head
falling into a pit of
broken promises.
Only to rake them up again.

Just
Realizations that
****** should
be punished
even if it’s  metaphorical.
For hearts can die
and are just as hard
to resurrect
as burning stakes
which were once *****.

Wait…
all hope is not lost
for loss cannot be
everlasting
unless…
Will’s arrow was
tipped with
poison
that which makes
all mortals quell.
But one can never know
in certainty
until that day
occurs

Just witness….
til then
dear friend
my sustainer of life
I’ll feed you elixirs to save you
from bleeding
out your memories.
For sewing you up,
is merely temporary

I’ll force-feed you
vitamin D until you
agree to be blissful again
and I’ll be able to tell when
your generic smile dresses your
sorrows in brighter colors

Justice wades
in deeper waters
but once you reach it
it’s worth all the effort
in the world.

i am the piper
cept my pipes are
a bit rusty

out of tune
melancholy

its too late for monthly checkups


but you never seem to mind

but you see the only reason they are
so worn out
is because i sing my melody
as loud and beautiful as I can
every time we do the dance of passion

no, they can't be rusty
because
i've serenaded so many other women before you
that can't be

you,
your melody is sweet, pure, harmonious
but of course, you've only just started

you make me feel like an old man
whose pipes have seen generations
i almost feel bad serenading such a pure heart

but i know what will happen
you will leave me soon
yes, I know from our passion dances that you
love me
but when you find another whose music is sweeter
more pure than my coarseness
i promise
you will love him more

its only a matter of time...

i'm standing
nay, protruding
from this crowd of conformants
all lined up like soldiers ready for battle
that they hope won't come
but i'm ready to fight
at least against conformity
my appearance  is unlikely for my kind
but,  i'm still standing

some of us
like me
have been here for ages
we know the ins and outs
of our habitat
the young ones are always trouble
doesn't take much for them to snap
but, at least i'm still standing.

on a bright sunny day
unexpectedly
our battle begins
all i can hear around me are
screams from devices, snapping limbs,
the tanks have come for us,
i feel the tinge of fear come upon me
but i stand strong
They won't need me, i'm different right?

i hear the screams, they come closer
they
squeeze
all
sound
from my body

"If I fall in a forest, and nobody is around to hear me dying, am I really making noise?"
silence .
i glance around me, i see nothing
except the grass
my friends are lying, suffereing
but i have no limbs to spare
But hey, at least i'm still standing.

my, my
what a world we live in
where plastic's worth more than food.
because it makes entertainment,
and we thrive from it.

where screens dictate our lives
absorbing us, our deepest secrets
then displaying them to the world
limiting our emotions
to keystrokes.

and it doesn't matter how big that screen is.
we like em smaller and sleeker
so that not even a second is spent in real conversation.

they say they're sparking creativity?
i say they're sparking narcissm.
they're creating conformity
as if we havent had enough.

my, my
what a revolution
where we witness de-evolution
from ape, to human, to...
selfabsorbed, stressful, sub-human species?

Dry your eyes, your tears are too much for the clouds
They can't hold anymore sorrow,
or they'll fall toward the earth
Lay on my lap,
though it may be soaked, unlike the clouds,
they could use some more substance
Before you know it, tears of laughter
and joy will overcome you.
Almost overwhelm you to the point of dryness.

*Dry your eyes,
your tears are too much
for the the clouds to handle.
It may just have to rain.

Just wait
Laughter
That presence within your catharsis
Jezebel
Jumpstart your
Heartache
Liberation
Fabricated Materialization
J... J…J…J…

Just wait.
Time will tell when
William Tell will attempt to shoot an arrow
through your heart.
If he misses,
you are doomed
to a life of solitude and faithless trysts
trust is a hit-or-miss.
If it pierces through,
you are condemned to a life attached
like a leech to
some being whose
too tight embraces
take your breath away.

Wait….just…
Listen.
The wind is blowing
sweeping you
off your feet.
You’re head-over-heals
in over your head
falling into a pit of
broken promises.
Only to rake them up again.

Just w….why?
Realizations that
****** should
be punished
even if its
metaphorical.

For hearts can die
and are just as hard
to resurrect
as burning stakes
which were once *****.

Wait….
all hope is not lost
for loss cannot be
everlasting
unless…
Bill’s arrow was
tipped with
what is never blessed
that which makes
all mortals quell.

But one can never know
in certainty
until that day
occurs

Just witness….
til then
dear friend
my sustainer of life
I’ll feed you
elixirs to save you
from bleeding
out your memories.
For sewing you up,
is merely temporary.

I’ll force-feed you
vitamin D until you
agree to be blissful again
and I’ll be able to tell when
your artificial smile dresses your
sorrows
in brighter colors.

Justice wades
in deeper waters
but once you reach it
it’s worth all the effort
in the world.

You need to pay a sin tax
for the way you talk smack,
calling me your property
your syntax is making me
over. the. hill.

I’m heels over head with
you
making me crazy
the way that you speak
your diction’s too weak.

“you’re so nice”
how boring, I choose more
elegant words
to describe your glory

I could write
a five-page double-spaced
essay about you
and get accepted to your ivy league

I could wrap my
arms around you
like ivy on stone

hang you up to dry
on the
clothesline
til you answer the
telephone

I could cling to
you
like static
on your sweater
you better
not
flick.me.off.

Hell, my poetry ain’t free
it’s about as free as
slaves

I have confines, rules
bats in caves

It costs me thoughts
and time
and frustration
costs me more than just greenbacks
and a vacaction.
you need to pay up
talk isn’t cheap
your words cost you
attention
even if
my love don’t cost a thing

I train you like a golden
retriever
you retrieve my orders
like a wide receiver

my language is figurative
but your actions are derivative

you’re confusing me
like
trigonometry
love triangles are not my thing.

our
l θve i ∫ a sin(x)
cos we go  off on
tangents and don’t know where to
begin

first we’re infatuated
then we’re done
next we’re inebriated
then we have some fun
happens so fast
then we come together at last

This rollercoaster of emotion
has me puking again


I’m trying to calculate this algorithm
in my head.
its so complicated
I’ll need something else instead.

in this kaleidoscope
I see
many sides
of you and me

I spin it round to try to understand
all I see is a blur of colors
even when I hold your hand.

I wish I could see
the thoughts you hide
from me
I want to understand

you’re radioactive
your face is glowing
even in pitch black
your smile is showing
but, I never get to see
your eyes

make me crazy
hazy
they trip me up
and pull me down

periodically, you’re in your element
and everything clicks
then we stick and the chemistry’s quick

but then you open your mouth
garbage spurts out
I think it’s about time
I take you out

“To be or not to be, that is the question”
The answer, still unclear
Cans’t we be and not be at the same time?
That way we can choose how to be when life gets in the way
Would be easier on everyone

“I’m afraid I’m turning into a cliché”
My entire existence is a cliché
I’ve thought it up before
And here I go repeating
Preaching my so-called life
To those I thought had it different
I was wrong

“What Am I Missing?”
Besides you of course?
Besides your smile?
Not much I think

“Willing to tolerate less frequent service”
From the people in charge
Apparently we have free will
Who knew?  

“Licks his lips , turns my hands”
I am a clock
Only time will tell
When my hands will show
Quarter to midnight
He cannot turn time
Before it turns him

“I am one half of him
You will see
Cut me in half to reveal his trickery”
You will see
Where he tried to turn the hands of time
And failed
Cut him in half
You will find
The bind of time he almost left behind
That he almost broke and shattered
“The trauma cut both ways”

“Juliet’s the word they use for anyone that’s done it with pills or poision”
It’s also our word for a fool
Who was in so much pain
She caused more pain to herself
Who chose to halt the hands of time
Before it was time to
You cannot meddle with these kinds of things
Time cannot stand it



“The wall I was knocking down”
The one that kept me from you
The one that cheated time
“All of it was simply not the real thing”

“Maybe the supreme self-confidence I envied, was nothing more than masked insecurity”
Maybe the whole world is a façade
Just waiting to be uncovered
Waiting for the right person to come along
And reveal the secrets of time and space
There is no use in envy
It causes unnecessary guilt
Towards a cause you yourself did not create

“Adjusting or adapting a scheme”
Time is a pattern we must adapt to
We cannot be radical and say,
‘***** you time, I won’t conform!’
You must.
Being radical isn’t necessary
When you are given one of the most precious things
You will ever receive
Cherish it
It’s what you must do
“Now I understand”

I may have love
I may lose love
But I will never regret a single thing
For I know that I had not cheated time
I had lived a full life
Embraced every moment
“Splendid if I overcome my earthly passion, but if I succeed, still I have known happiness”





  Hamlet by William Shakespeare
2 Midway by David Homel
3 Pretty Little Liars by Sara Shepard
4 Economic Naturalist by Robert H. Frank
5 Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
6 “His Ace of Spades” by Noelle Havens, a poem from Cellar Roots Literary Magazine, p.69
7 Militainment, Inc. by Roger Stahl
8 Kneller’s Happy Campers by Etgar Keret
9 “An Exclusive” from The ******* the Fridge by Etgar Keret
10 Death of Ivan Illyich by Leo Tolstoy
11Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty
12 World of Children textbook by Greg Cook
13Set Me Free by Miranda Beverely-Whitmore
14 Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Welcome to Psychotics Anonymous.  State your name, and little about yourself:

My name is not important.

I have a problem.
I don’t tend to preoccupy myself with others’ problems.
See, I don’t care about my friends, loved ones, or myself as much as I should.
I mean, obviously, I realize that  I don’t care about these things, but my problem is that I don’t know the real reason why I don’t care about them. I know I have a problem, but I don’t know how to fix it. Think of it this way,  you know when you look at roadkill on the road, you might feel sorry for it, for about a second, then you blow it off and keep driving. Some people might kick it or laugh at it, if they walk  by. Well see, that’s how I feel about important people in my life , and at times, about myself.  I’m the one kicking that road **** while its down. Except the road ****….is my best friend. Do I mean what I do? I’m not entirely sure, but I do know that it’s wrong.  I know that I should care, I know that I’m a bad person for it, but I don’t know why I still do it anyway. I have a problem. My best friend is in the hospital and I’m sitting home writing this instead of visiting her while she’s 10 minutes away. Instead of apologizing  and telling her it was my fault. I’m sitting here not caring instead of going up to her and telling her the truth she needs to hear. I have a problem. My family’s a woodpile on the side of my house. The wood I never use but I like to glance at from time to time and then ignore a few seconds later. That woodpile’s pretty close to me, its always in my proximity, but yet…I never seem to care that it’s there. But I notice it. Oh, how I do notice it. I notice it so much that I pretend to not notice it because my lack of caring for the noticing of this woodpile is the only thing that matters. I have a problem. My brother is sitting on my mantle, every day he stares into my eyes, hoping and wishing I would care. Every day he’s there reminding me that he not only needs to be noticed, he needs to be cared about, and so do I. And every day I ignore him and that photograph with that picture perfect Ivy League smile.I have a problem. I don’t care for myself. I don’t really do much grooming. I mean, I shave…because I hate touching my face and feeling prickles. I don’t cut my hair, I don’t shower until I start smelling. I don’t care. I work at the one place where caring doesn’t matter. I work counting other people’s money. I don’t get into trouble or miscount because miscounting annoys me and everything has to be perfect.  It needs to be counted right, or what’s the point of counting it? It’s not because I care for the welfare of the people I count money for. Au contraire, they have more money than I do and don’t deserve my care. I have a problem. Don’t tell me I’m doing okay because I’ve completed step one of your program, because I’ve admitted that I have a problem. I’ve just said it five times. I knew I’ve had a problem before I got here. That’s not the hard part. I want to care. I want to feel empathy, or at least sympathy. I want be like everyone else. But the hard part, is that I’m not. I’m not like everyone else. And though I’ve recognized my problems they’ll always stay with me regardless of how much you try to push them out of me. You can tell me to go to these therapy sessions til I’m seventy-five, but the only thing that it’ll do is just show you how many more problems I’ve come to discuss.

I'm sitting on a shelf, wrapped in plastic, with maybe a millimeter of space between me and my partner. We all look the same, but really it's just a mask. That cheery yellow overcoat; the perfect, clean ridges, the sparkling tattoo written in green, all of it a lie. For soon my body will be devoured. My truths will be exposed. The black point that holds all  knowledge will be revealed, layer by layer, inch by inch. I don't know what kind of treatment I will recieve but there are plenty of possibilities. I may be used for knowledge, for love letters, for art beyond my wildest dreams. I may be used as a distraction from any little thing.  I may also be abused; my skin pierced, bitten, the flesh ruined. My knowledge may be broken, or worse I may be left alone in the dust. The worst possible thing, even worse than any injuries, is to be abandoned and be wasting away. For my life isn't worth living if there's nothing to do, nobody to inspire, and if my yellow overcoat of lies stays the same length forever.  If my disgustingly pink brain is not used and my knowledge stay intact, there may be a chance that I could be used, but theres always that chance that I won 't be. I stare at my companions, some are eager, others terrified, but on the outside, we all look the same. For us time is frozen, until someone makes the first ****.

"My father was a sailor
He sailed the seven seas.
He took his ship all over
He traveled as he pleased."

Feel this wind upon my face
Feel the water’s waves
Feel their salty taste.

I’m glad I ain’t lonely
I’m happy I ain’t sad
This anchor is my new friend
Tells me secrets in my head

These chains tell more than stories
These chains tell more than song
These chains have more than metal
Got rust upon their arms.

Sometimes it says it’s angry
Ain’t got no will to live
Above the sea on wooden decks
Ain’t got no skills to give.

Sometimes it wants to go below
Into the deep green sea
It’s worries gone, its troubles lost
Stories buried within.

Got money in my wallet
Got socks oh so neat
Got shoes all nice and polished
All I’m missin is my feet.

I can have all the riches in the world
Can have all the jewels
Can have the whole world at my fingers
But I still cannot have you.

Feel the rocks upon the shore
Feel the way my heart gets sore
Feel the travesties I’ve fought
This ole anchor’s all I got.

Step into the nature son and discover yourself
Wade into the river boy, and become one
Climb the branches man, like a spider in it’s web
Lay down in the tall grass, and tell stories in your head
Catch a frog on a log, and then let it go
Count the leaves  on the ground
Mess up and start over again.
Try to touch the sky lad, until your arms get tired
Then run home for supper, telling all about your time
Go to school next morning boy, and tell a gal your story
Grab her hand, and take her to that place without the worries

So you can,
Wade into the river
Climb the branches of a tree
Lay down in the grass
Telling stories with glee
Catch some frogs on some logs
Count the falling leaves
Touch the sky with all your might
Then run home by firelight

Together.

Forget Me

I’m just a tool

You use me more than anyone else

And I just keep giving back


Admit It

Without me you’re  nothing

Nobody cares about you

Until you use me again


Hold Me

Because I need to be held

Your grip is my only longing

The secret to all that’s in your mind


Underneath

My skin holds all the secrets

My grain reveals them, almost instantly

So make sure you find it soon


Destroy Me

Wear me away like your life depended on it

You know you want to, I want you to

Or my life will have no purpose at all

I hate it when I cant
Stop
Thinking
About what could be
What should be going on

I hate it when you do
That
Thing
You do. It tears
My emotions to shreds

I hate it when I my
Stomach
Flutters
Just for you
Everytime you’re around

I hate it when I long
For
Something
To change
When I know it really won’t

I hate it when you still
Act
So
Wonderful. Because
That’s just who you are

I hate it when I wait
Until
Nobody  
Wants you
But you know that’s impossible

I hate it when you
Show
Up
Everywhere I am
Because it makes me feel too great

I hate it when you don’t
Notice
One
Thing
Though that would hardly matter

I hate knowing all of this
But
Knowing
You
Know nothing of it at all

Little blackbird up on a perch,
                      Can you fly to me?
                              I need a companion on my shoulder
                                       will you be?
                                              I'm not scary as they say
                                                      just a little strange
                                                           don't be afraid
                                                               little blackbird
                                                                  I won't hurt you
                                                        Lies I may tell you            
                                                     But harmless they be
                                                   I may tell you false thoughts
                                          And tell you to believe only me
                              But how harmful can a straw man as me be?
             Everyone else has joined on my shoulder
   And they are alive and well
       Come join them little bird,
            For if you do not
                        You will be shunned from this place
                                  From your relatives and friends
                                             You are alone, my friend
                                                        No one else to back you up
                                                           So either you join or you live in solitare
                                                                  without us all
                                                             What will it be my dear friend?
                                                    Hurry will you please
                                       This straw is getting itchy
                           And I cannot bend my knees
                     This stake holding me up is
                Not very strong
          So come now fella
Move along,
                   Move along.