AME: Poems

A Hero

AME Jan 2014

A Hero

Have you ever thought or stopped to consider what a hero is ?
When I was little I always considered a hero someone like superman or superwoman.
Someone like spider-man.
Someone that swoops in and saves people..saves the city.
But that was when I was little.

No longer do I consider a hero that, for they are merely just figments of my imagination.
Now I consider hero's people that that have been here forever.
My hero is not the man with a cap, nor does he have superpowers.
My hero is an everyday person.
My hero works like a dog. Sure he looks a little worn, but you know what I like my hero like that.
My hero is simply a man. A man with a bald spot, crooked smile, greyish blue eyes. He is someone that dresses like a professor but in reality is a truck driver. He is someone that is as tough as an ox, but as gentile as a sheep. He is someone that has dealt with the good and bad times but still lives. He is like the shining knight in armor everyone wants. The one that protects. He has a heart of gold.
My hero is not a musician, nor is he anything less.
My hero is my father. The one I walk around in public with pride. He is the one I look up to, and will stand by and love him until only the memory of him is left. And When that day comes and from there on after I will love him no less.
Why?
Because he is my father and my one true hero. That's why.
There is no need for any other explanation.
It's that simple.

Ana is my name, Mia is my middle

AME Dec 2013

Ana is my name, Mia is my middle

Ever thought about what it would be like?
What it would be like to just finally be in peace?
Instead of having voices screaming at you in your mind 24/7, even when you are sleep. Screaming at you to have control, yelling at you, telling you that you don't need that cookie, *******, or piece of bread.
Reminding you of your goal.
.
The goal that you need to reach to maybe be closer to perfection, rather than what you were.. That horrible lug of fat. The one that no one wants. One that isn't good enough for anyone at all.
I really don't think you understand how close Ana, Mia and I were
Ana well she screamed and yelled, reminding me and pushing me. Telling me that isn't very Chanel. And that hunger? Yea that hunger was really my stomach applauding.
It didn't matter that I could have died during the process, just as long as I had that thigh gap, could count every rib and place my fingers on the hills and valleys that I had created on my body, to have those collarbones and have that defined jawline.
Just to be skinny.
To be a 00 and to weigh 80 pounds. Because I could do it. Always telling me not to eat those calories so I wouldn't become fat, even though it wasn't possible to be fatter than I was then. McDonald's nope. Any fast food joint ew, gross.
How dare you go near there you failure, is what she whispered to me.
Those were the things she said. The words that she spoke of day in, day out.

But then there were the other cravings of going and eating everything that I saw in sight, as if I wasn't going to eat for months. That's where Mia comes in, she was just as much of a ***** as Ana. It's was a constant cycle with her. Up and down..non-stop. A roller coaster, that never stopped and was greater than any Leviathan or Behemoth that possibly existed. With more loops and spins and craziness that made you sick to your stomach because once I'd eaten all that food, well of course Mia wouldn't let me keep it down, and quite honestly Ana agreed. Tea, coffee, zero calories, they are my best friend.
500 calories max a day. The workouts were my second best friend. Numbers was what my life consisted off.
Goal One:100
Goal Two:95
Goal Three:85
Goal Four:80
The voices screamed at me reminding me. Failure..failure...failure. It got so loud inside of my head. Their whispers sounded like screams. I'd lost count on the amount of times I had run to the washroom to get it out of my system, out of my disgusting body. How many times had I lied about eating, how many times did I throw out food? And the pathetic thing was, I didn't want to recover. Why? because I would have preferred to die than gain weight. I would of rather died than eat three meals a day. I would have rather died than be forced to eat. I was just another ****** up teenage girl listening and obeying the mirror.

A Set of Three

AME Aug 2015

A Set of Three

i.
* Blood

I never knew you..
I still don't even know your name to be honest...
All I know is that you're the woman that gave birth to me- my Biological Mother
That's your name to me, and that's how its been my whole life.
Biological Mother.
Throughout my life I've been told I'm more like my father than you.
The soft eyes and his smile.
I never really understood why you did what you did, but according to everyone it was the best possible thing to happen to me.
To be put in an adoption center, waiting for my new family to come and take me out of the country.
For some reason though I still can't fathom what brought you to the decision to give me up, but none of the six children before me...
Is it because you wanted me to have a better life, or was it because you realized that you were incapable of raising another child that you had created?

ii
Second

I'm not even sure what to call you.
The technical term would be Adopted Mother, but you were hardly a mother to me in the six years that you knew me.
Blows to a child's face and body everyday is not something a Mother should be doing to their child.
Maybe it's because I wasn't your biological daughter, or maybe you just never knew how to love in general, either way you are not a mother to me.
For years, I always thought that the reason you used me as a punching bag was because I just wasn't good enough for you.
But then there was that one day that you did it to my best friend, and I realized that it wasn't really me, it was you.
It was you who was incapable of controlling yourself.
It was you who was incapable of being a good person.
Even after that day, I still lied and covered for you, even when Daddy asked me where I got the cuts and bruises from.
Despite him asking me how I had cut my lip and why my back was covered in scars, I still covered for you and lied my *** off.
And yet to this day, you ask me why I don't contact you and why I always make sure to never be alone with you in the same room.

iii
Caretaker**

That's what you are to me, maybe that's too harsh and I'm just a *****, but I am incapable of putting the label mother there.
You, out of all three were the closest thing to a mother for me.
You taught me how to be a lady when I needed to be, you guided me and pushed me more than anyone else.
You were the person that molded me into the person I am today out of all three of you.
I am thankful for that, because if it weren't for you, I would be unable to fight through the things that have been thrown my way.
But at the same time, I am unable to call you mother to this day.
Perhaps its the fact that I can still remember all the words of hatred that left your mouth that you said to me, or maybe its the fact that I still quite clearly remember all the things you did to me throughout the eleven years we've known each other, especially the last thing..
I forgive you though, in some ****** up way it was your way of showing your love for me I guess.
So there, that is the reason why you are the closest thing to a mother for me.
Forgive me Mama.

#mother #personal

Hearts

AME Apr 2014

Hearts

To love someone will only lead to the breakage of a heart. And when that heart breaks..so does the rest of you.
Never fall in love.
Unless you want to be broken afterwards.

Mothers..

AME Dec 2013

Mothers..

Yesterday was her birthday
I don't even remember how old she is
All I remember is the blows she gave me and the bruises that formed
So is she really my mother? No.
I don't have a mother. I have three mothers;

biological mother, adopted mother, stepmother.

None of which I wish to consider my mom.
One abandoned me, the other abused me, the last one hates me.
So now all I'm left with is my memories and the hope to never become like either of them.
For if I do, I swear to god I'll never forgive myself.

Not a Phase

AME Feb 2014

Not a Phase

I've been dead for too long
I'm supposed to feel something.
Supposed to feel something in my veins.
But never do I feel it.
They say it's a phase...
....
It's not a phase when all you want to be is dead.
When all you want to do is slice your skin open.
To let the blood ooze out of you.
To tear your skin apart.
To tear it off of your body.
To make your body black and blue.
To burn yourself alive.
...
To create my body the way I am
The way I perceive myself.
Ugly
Nasty
Gross
******
******-up
Suicidal
To make my body finally lay down forever.
To make my face pretty for once in my life.
To look pretty for all to see my blank stare looking back at them.
To finally be dead.

That is not a phase.
It is not a phase when I wish to be dead even though everything around me is okay.
Not a phase when my mind and body is numb.
Not a phase when I wake up every morning realizing I'm still alive.
**IT IS NOT A PHASE..

This Girl

AME Jan 2014

This Girl

Numbness...
That's all I feel now a days.
January 1st brings the total to four times now.
Four failed times.
I no longer wish to be here, I haven't wished to be here for months.
This is the only way I know out and one day I'll fully succeed.
Haven't you ever wanted something so badly that it possesses you?
The craving.
That's all you're able to think about.
At least that's how it is for me.
Nothing is ever stable enough for me.
I think I'm happy but then I realize that I'm just lying to myself also,
along with everyone else.

At school I'm the so called stable person.
With friends I'm the weird, loud one.
With family I'm the quiet, nose stuck in a book person.
When I'm alone...well, when I'm alone all I want is to be dead. I finally become my true self..;
Depressed,
Suicidal,
Insane,
Unstable,
Self-harmer girl.

The girl that all she wants to do is tie a noose around her neck. Take one to many pills. Jump off the roof. Step in front of a car.

This is all this girl wants to do. But she can't say that to anyone can she. She just wants peace from herself and to sleep forever..to never awake.
That..is her final wish.

Tick Tock

AME Feb 2014

Tick Tock

Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
It's just a timer to the date of our death.
The timer until we no longer breath.
The timer until we close our eyes for one last time.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Goes the clock

Untitled

AME Dec 2013

Untitled

They say that love is one of the best things that could possibly happen to you. I on the other hand disagree. I think it may possibly be the worst thing alive. It ruins us. It makes us crave something we can't have. It tears us apart. It breaks our hearts.

All I know is that I once loved.
All I know is that I still love...still love the same person.
The person I hurt the most, and crave back so much. My other half.
I miss the way he held me, the way he made me feel special.
I miss the good and bad moments.
And yet..I know that he is not mine.
That..that is what hurts the most. That he is someone else's now and no longer mine.
I always wonder "what if..". But then I remember all the little things and the big things that ruined it all.
Regrets...so many regrets.

And now..all I'm left with is the memory of him and the hope that maybe, one day I'll get a second chance from him..
Because I swear to god I won't **** up again. Not if my life depends on it.

Warrior

AME Feb 2015

Warrior

i.*
This is to you; pretty lady with the long brown hair, shiny brown eyes, and a heart of gold. You don't see the beauty that radiates from you whenever you enter the room, nor the happiness that you bring to people with your awkward sayings and amazing laugh. But everyone else that surrounds you does. Your meaning here on earth is more than what you think it is. You're a gift to all who come in contact with you, like a little present that we get everyday. You could be described as a pearl, something so precious that if one finds one, they should never let go of it nor lose it. That is what you are like. A pearl. Nothing less.

The way you hold yourself after the hand that you have been dealt over the past few years is great. You are a warrior. No matter what anyone ever tells you. These things that are burdening you, you can overcome. Every battle that you have gone through has molded you into this person that you are today, words cannot begin to describe the greatness that is within you, that everyone else sees.

Every time I see you, walking in the halls, coming towards me, brings a smile to my face. Your presence brightens my day, no matter how bad it is going. The way you tell a story, so animated, so full of life and excitement, but yet I still see the sadness that remains in your eyes day after day. However, you still make sure that I laugh each day, no matter how ****** you feel. These things that you do for the people that you care so deeply about, are never ending.

This one is for you pretty lady. Let your wings spread and fly and be free. Go and travel the world, and let everyone else see everything that we see within you already, so that one day you see it also.

— The End —