How many times do I have to hear
"You're going through a rough time right now"
Because I can understand a "rough time"
How long can this rough time possibly last
I spoke to my mother last night
and she told me that things are bad right now but eventually it'll go away
So I asked her
"How long has it been?"
And all she could do was bury her face in her palms
It's been four years
Is four years a rough patch...
When I'm not even 18 years old
Four years isn't a rough patch
It's a rough life

Ambition drove me to hell
Where I stood in the torrential downpour
Waiting for a hero of some sort

Maybe it would be him
Maybe it would be the sight of his license plate
Or the whiff of his cologne
Hopefully two abrupt hands covering my eyes

But no, I was alone in the rain
My laptop in my bag
Only to get wet, along with my copy of "The Sun Also Rises"

I had nowhere to go
No one to see
Or no one who wanted to see me

My family was away
My friends had all dispersed into cars full of life and spirit

And then I saw a friend
no
less than a friend
...someone I know?

I was stupid enough to go with her to a house rampant with drugs
Powder perfectly lined up
Broken up ****
Old prescription bottles
******* and marijuana and oxy and everything that feels like heaven but tastes like hell
FALSE
tastes like heaven but leads you to hell

**** my stupidity
So depressed that I couldn't make a simple decision
a decision so simple, all I had to say was "no"
Because stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right?
Same result
Stupid because my actions are counterproductive to everything I work for
Endless hours of typing and reading and underlining words that were already highlighted
Stupid because I was selfish
selfish enough to only want to get high
and not think about the people around me
So stupid
it's laughable
FALSE
it's painful and terrible and everything I dont want YOU to feel

And I consumed the substance  
that altered my mind into a kaleidoscopic whirlwind
Of blackness and white dots
one minute I was there...
the next I was home
and then a coffee shop
and then my house

My eyes were as glazed as a krispy kreme donut
excuse that deliciously disgusting simile
POuNDs of led were on my eyelids
and nothing mattered


until it did
until my HIgh became a lOW
until my mother walked into the room - - unexpected - - danger
until my mother said "you're gone"
until my mother cried because her brother was addicted to coke and her dad would shoot up on painkillers
until I was a reminder  

it matters
I think it matters

I am the downpour
they say "When it rains, it pours"
and ****...
it's been raining  a lot

everyday theres another thunderstorm
literally and figuratively

just imagine
REALITY
who can riddle the thought of reality
not me
not me at all...

Aside from myself
Time is my devious enemy
Tricking me into
Believing that things will happen
At 2:20
I thought it would happen
But oh no
Time couldn't reason
With the thought of my happiness
Time punches me in the face
I fall to the ground
And
THUMP
Five more punches
Before I've even had the TIME
To stand up
After the initial punch
And as my knees are bending
My legs thrusting
My body upward into stance
Time stabs me
And I bleed
I bleed every blood cell
Each cell
Is a secret
But time wounded me
And made everything pour out
Time drained my body
And replaced it with blood that wasn't mine
So time
Once again
Has changed me

I'd like to settle
On fecund land
Grow tomatoes
Write about my life
The life I've hardly lived
But still
Can't there just be a house
With a coffee machine
Some books
Fields of lavender
Plains of grain
I never want to leave
That nonexistent land
I want to lay
In a fecund field
With one person
With you
Talk about us
And ignore everything else
Although it's unrealistic
I'd like it
Forever

You all treat me poorly
I'm so broken inside
I don't think there's any cure
I've run and practiced yoga
Read and written
Medicated
What else can I do?
You all keep shutting me down
At every word
Every syllable
Every groan
It hurts me to know that I'll look back on my childhood
And resent every cell in your body
If I do move forward
Which I'm not sure I will
I'll never look back at the faces
That said
I was...
...egocentric
...ungrateful
...stupid
...ignorant
...ugly
­...self consumed
I've made a list
Of all the cutting words you've spoken
I'll never look back at your faces
I don't want to see anything that resembles you
Not my extended family
Nor my sister
I don't know if I'll have children
To think of putting a person on Earth
Who could potentially be
As ****** up as me
Would be cruel and unkind and wrong
That poor nonexistent child
They'll have my genes
My parents' genes
Cancerous and dangerous and terrible
It's so wrong
They could be an addict
Like my grandfather and uncle and me
They could be mentally ill
Depression is a mental illness
Right?
I refuse
As I write this
I only see more reasons to never do
What my parents have done to me
The pain that I feel every day
Is the type of pain
That no other human being deserves to feel
Let alone my hypothetical child
Maybe one day I'll find a cure
To this persistent unhappiness
But until life proves
That things can be made ok
Ugh
////////////////
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UGH


THIS ANGER

I D O N T
K/N/O/W
W/H/A/T
TO DO
A N Y M O R E

I've hit a hall


A concrete wall

When I saw your face
I was astonished by your presence
Surprised and confused and angry
I devoted a year of my life
Thinking about the possibility of "us"
You showed me that the possibility of us
Simply didn't exist
So I went on to someone else
Someone who has filled my life with passion
Someone whose presence encourages me to put on makeup in the morning
Someone who I have liked for so long
And tonight
You and him were face to face
It was the battle
That had always existed but never begun
You hugged me
To make him feel jealous
So thank you
Because five minutes later
He grabbed me
We embarked on a walk
Once again he said
"Why are you always so sad?"
Then he grabbed my face
Kissed it gently
Then more passionately
Suddenly we were on the ground
You get the gist
Long story short
Had it not been for you
I would have never loved him
I never thought I would say  this
But thank you
Because I am so in love with thought of a different "us"

You're my father
I want you to come to my room
And insist on talking to me until I stop crying
Because I need someone to physically be with me
Screens won't cut it anymore
I'm in distress
I'm hurt
And I want your presence