Thousands of miles away
Human beings are being gassed to death
And photographs of mourning families
Are published by the hour
And even though
The world acknowledges Syria's current condition
Very few have seen the pictures
Blood and tears and unfathomable terror
Ignorance at its finest
America at its finest
Why cant we be a nation of proactivity rather than reactivity
Why does it take so much
For people to realize
That genocide is occurring
And that lives are being torn apart
As we sit calmly at our dinner tables
Abundant with pea soup
And roasted chicken
And lack of caring

What if this was dystopian Britain;
My droogs and I,
Sipping beverages
At the Korova milk bar,
I viddy a world of chaos

It was spontaneous
Attention: A boy wants to be with me
And I got away with it
Attention: the smart, dainty girl has a summer *******
Time and time again
Attention: Finally there was consistency in my life
It was what I had always hoped for
Attention:
I want attention
I received it
Attention: My father just walked in on me shirtless with a boy
He hid in the closet
Attention: my father is a smart man
My father had a 20 minute conversation
Attention: “Go outside, he and I are going to have a talk”
Mortified
Attention: Stay classy, teens

How many times do I have to hear
"You're going through a rough time right now"
Because I can understand a "rough time"
How long can this rough time possibly last
I spoke to my mother last night
and she told me that things are bad right now but eventually it'll go away
So I asked her
"How long has it been?"
And all she could do was bury her face in her palms
It's been four years
Is four years a rough patch...
When I'm not even 18 years old
Four years isn't a rough patch
It's a rough life

head to pillow
heart asleep
my eyes: exhausted
for insomnia has taken my mind
endless sleep on morning's light
yet night never takes me

irritated eyes
I toss and I turn
I beg to fall into slumber
my head does not stop moving
but then it halts
halts into the most obscure position
halts into; "why am I thinking about this"?

insomnia, it is 2015
your existence is as old as time
but instant streaming is new, and I'm not alone with my thoughts
in fact...
I believe my literary repertoire is built off insomnia...

let me sleep now for rested sounds peaceful
2:00am poems never bothered me
and music sounds better when no one is awake

but please, let me sleep
allow me to loll into drowsiness
I am telling you I am tired

2mg of Klonopin...still restless
2 boxes of chocolate...still broken

Insomnia, you are an illness
but please have mercy on my sanity
for I am losing it,
and yearn to merely breathe

I felt the earth bring me to life
rooted from the ground up
nourished in soil that was rich
but the earth has now brought me down
and my life is a tundra
because I'm alone
I am without a person to turn to and
it aches
I'm sorry that I'm mean
and I'm sorry that I'm full of problems
but I'm not sorry for everything I have given
to you
to everyone
how could an earth so great
pull me down to a level
of sadness and despair
I'm alone
and it's my fault
there's only one person to hate
and it's myself

Disappointment comes with being a human
I can understand the notion of not always getting what I want
Because I'm reasonable and that's life
But time and time again, I find myself begging my parents for things I'll never have
I fall to pieces and they have to glue me back together every five minutes
But they aren't enough
Their comfort isn't enough
The only temporary comfort I can find is a boy who treats me terribly
He uses me and I'm practically an object
But temporary affection is enough to satisfy my everlasting sadness
He's like a pill
An ******
Because I go through withdrawal
And oh my god
When I am disappointed, it feels like withdrawal
Night sweats and vommiting and the chills
I ache terribly and the disappointment keeps hitting me, again and again and again
And when I'm knocked down, I'm too injured to get back on my feet safely
I fall to pieces
I seek irrational, wrong, abusive affection
I write poems that only strangers will read and maybe you'll respond
And if you don't, I might be disappointed, but it wont be anything new

He asked me if I looked at him differently
If our being together had transformed my image of him
I couldn't respond
Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know the answer
Had hazy nights fogged memories prior to "us"
Even if those nights fogged memories of us, I wouldn't want to remember
He asked me if I looked at him differently
Before he was another head in the hallway
Another peek in the door creak
Another this or that
It isn't about him being different
It's me
Noticing all of the imperfections and perfections that he always had
As I hear the wind rush, I feel pathetic for thinking of him rather than myself
There are periods of darkness when it's me alone with my thoughts
But my thoughts
Are consistent of him
I don't look at him differently, I see him differently
I see the black holes in his pupils, kaleidoscopic thoughts and sentences and ideas
I see greatness in his walk, as if it's down a busy street
I see his face, soft, the kind of soft that makes you want to crawl into yourself forever
I see the pain in his eyes
Before it was mere darkness and yes, I look at him differently
Because the darkness has meaning
It means that words perceived as malicious were merely words reflective of
"I don't care"s and "You'l never understand"s
And I don't
He asked me if I look at him differently
How could I not?
Now I know what's beneath everything he wears
The smirk on his face, the raising of his eyebrows, his shirt...
I do look at him differently because he is no longer "someone"
He is HIM
He is my thoughts and my ideas and excuse the melodrama, but he is everything
And on days when I don't see him
There are no ideas
There are no thoughts
If I weren't to look at him differently
I wouldn't know what late night drives along the ocean would mean
I wouldn't know what feeling wholesome felt like
I wouldn't know what I want
He asked me if I looked at him differently
And today he asked again
Except today it was teasing and condescending
I'll always look at him differently

Like evaporation

I go high up

Into the clouds

Then pour down

Onto the ground

My heart is cold. It had been previously overheated, by emotions that my mind took in like sweet ecstasy only to spit these emotions out like sour milk. My body learned to stare at the milk carton, and no longer have the urge to drink the liquid that is perfectly fine. Expiration date: five weeks from now. But no, ever since I drank that sour glass, I can’t be emotional anymore. I want to sympathize and empathize, but only with you. Because here, empathy could be easy and sympathy would be natural. But, all I want to feel is you. I want to feel the shape of your thoughts. I want to be constricted to you and only you. You’re the only milk I’ll ever drink. You’re today, tomorrow, and yesterday. You’ve told me that your father is an alcoholic. He would get drunk off wine, and you called him a “*****”. You always stare into my eyes before we conform to each other’s bodies and say “Why are you always so sad”. My response is never fulfilling, and I’m sure you want to know about me, but I’m not ready to tell me story, so tell me yours. Your father is an addict. He had a difficult childhood and grew up to be a man, both hated and praised. Your mother had breast cancer and back surgery, but why? Maybe I don’t even need to know about your parents, what about you? You stare into my pupils and question my ever-present sorrow, so, may I question yours? Why do you shut off your emotions, the same way I do. Why do you remain unaffected by the pain of others? I have tasted the sour milk on my tongue, and I vow to never taste it again. But, when our lips touch, I taste honey and I smell lilac, and I feel home. So tell me, what your story is, please… We feed off each other’s agony and cry in our beds at night, we meet up at midnight so that we don’t feel alone, we rest in the pain that makes us bitter and unkind. I need to know your story, because although I have seen bits and pieces of an overcomplicated puzzle, I need to see the whole picture, and you need to see mine. Please, you’re all I have. Let me taste honey and smell lilac and feel at home, because with you, my heart is warm,

I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Someone,save me
Help me save myself

because all I see is IGNORANCE
minds that are satisfied
with being uniformed
where has the world gone
where is the CURIOSITY
where are the children
pledging to make the world a better place
because all I see
are PRETENTIOUS photographs
and empty thoughts
where are the questions
why is it acceptable to know nothing
society
i hate the thought of
a culture
a culture that is OBSCENE
a society that should be
ASHAMED of its wrongdoings
a society that should present
WORLD HUNGER as an actual problem
a society that should take ACTION
rather than sit by
as if people aren't dying as the minutes pass
and every grain in the hourglass
represents a STORY
stories that aren't told
all because society
is too IGNORANT
to care

I've always said that I don't need perfection
I need affection
Someone needs to invalidate my insecurities
They sting me and I hide them deep beneath skin
So deep that no one can seek them or sense them or touch them
I often ask myself why I don't have an official companion
A person who can love me and give me affection and make me happy
It sounds stupid because a lover doesn't make one happy
But I feel like I've crossed out every other thing on the list
Introspection?
They tell me I need to understand what and why and how
However the mere fact that I have thousands of words depicting my every emotion
Should mitigate this false sense of intelligence that a therapist has
I don't need someone to bring me flowers
Or chocolates or stuffed animals
I don't need to be given the world because I can get that on my own
But I do need someone to hug me and kiss me the way you do...when we're alone
And then I need that same person to be able to effectively communicate with me
I need them to understand the notion and the implications of a relationship
And I need them to be fully committed to making me a better person
And me making them a better person
Because once all of that happens, all I'll need is for them to love me
Love me
The real me
The person who is blunt and blatantly obvious
The person who can capture a room with intelligence
The person who hates the evils in the world
The person who doesn't believe in god
The person who cares about other people but has trouble showing it
The person who works for everything
The person who has suffered enough
The person who wants to be loved by you
And in some sense
It's been established that you can't love me
Simply because you don't
And that's fine even though it pains me deeply
But if it can't be you
And you not caring for me is true
Someone needs to sweep me away and love me for me
Because I believe in human nature and I also believe in Darwinism
But when it comes to me
Human nature and Darwinism are contradictory
Because human nature would be the act of two people loving each other for the sake of loving each other and wanting to be together
But Darwinism says that my genes are too weak to compete in the gene pool
Therefore it is difficult for one to seek my affection
Because it subliminally implies that we're seeking "a mate"
And I wouldn't be a good mate
A) because I have a chronic illness
B) I'm batshit crazy
So I don't even know what to do at this point
Maybe I was designed as a solo
Rather than a duet
That happens
It's a possibility
A horrible one
But the most hurtful thing right now
Is the idea that you may not love me
And you never will

Reinforcement
Defined my Merriam Webster as
"the act of strengthening or encouraging something"
In psychology, there is negative reinforcement
And there is positive reinforcement
Each act committed is intended to produce a certain result
Give a dog a bone
If they sit when you say "sit"
It's simple
But here I have a problem
My positive acts are reinforced with negative results
Straight A's--> Mental Breakdown
Straight A's and kindness toward my sister--> unacknowledged
Straight A's and a sweet disposition and kindness
Was supposed to result
In me getting
What I have been working for
For over a year
But once again
Life has smacked me in the face
Reinforced my positive acts
With negative results
Further producing
A girl cry
Profusely
A sea of tears
Bricks on my back
Needles in my feet
Hell

Ambition drove me to hell
Where I stood in the torrential downpour
Waiting for a hero of some sort

Maybe it would be him
Maybe it would be the sight of his license plate
Or the whiff of his cologne
Hopefully two abrupt hands covering my eyes

But no, I was alone in the rain
My laptop in my bag
Only to get wet, along with my copy of "The Sun Also Rises"

I had nowhere to go
No one to see
Or no one who wanted to see me

My family was away
My friends had all dispersed into cars full of life and spirit

And then I saw a friend
no
less than a friend
...someone I know?

I was stupid enough to go with her to a house rampant with drugs
Powder perfectly lined up
Broken up ****
Old prescription bottles
******* and marijuana and oxy and everything that feels like heaven but tastes like hell
FALSE
tastes like heaven but leads you to hell

**** my stupidity
So depressed that I couldn't make a simple decision
a decision so simple, all I had to say was "no"
Because stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right?
Same result
Stupid because my actions are counterproductive to everything I work for
Endless hours of typing and reading and underlining words that were already highlighted
Stupid because I was selfish
selfish enough to only want to get high
and not think about the people around me
So stupid
it's laughable
FALSE
it's painful and terrible and everything I dont want YOU to feel

And I consumed the substance  
that altered my mind into a kaleidoscopic whirlwind
Of blackness and white dots
one minute I was there...
the next I was home
and then a coffee shop
and then my house

My eyes were as glazed as a krispy kreme donut
excuse that deliciously disgusting simile
POuNDs of led were on my eyelids
and nothing mattered


until it did
until my HIgh became a lOW
until my mother walked into the room - - unexpected - - danger
until my mother said "you're gone"
until my mother cried because her brother was addicted to coke and her dad would shoot up on painkillers
until I was a reminder  

it matters
I think it matters

I am the downpour
they say "When it rains, it pours"
and ****...
it's been raining  a lot

everyday theres another thunderstorm
literally and figuratively

just imagine
REALITY
who can riddle the thought of reality
not me
not me at all...

I worry that the only reason I have to write is because no one will listen to me
I can't leak my thoughts to my psychologist or psychiatrist or parent because I know that my words aren't safe and that legality triumphs anything I say
I know that I'm like lava at its boiling point, about to erupt
I know that I'm self destructive and that things are only getting worse
I have so much to say, maybe if I told the entirety of the truth, I could be helped
But I fear the corrupt system too much
And I don't want to say anything to my parents because they have watched my prolonged mental distress and they have seen my breakdowns and hysterical fits and they've heard my screams
I've been medicated
SSRIs and Xanax and Ativan and Prozac and Klonopin and Lexapro
I've spent hours in a therapist's office, only to censor my life and hear a psychology major regurgitate everything I already know
I can't stand it anymore
I want to be high on **** forever and laugh at nothingness
I want to be drunk to the point where I forget that life is even a thing
I want to kiss his lips and touch him every moment of the day because I'd feel loved even if I wasn't
I hate what has happened
I hate what is happening
I hate that I've changed
I hate how hard I try because the payoff never seems to pay off
And that I try to keep changing but everything isn't enough and everything won't ever cut it
I don't know what to do
I need endorphins and serotonin and beta-blockers and benzos
I need to know that this isn't a never ending cycle
I need to know that what I'm feeling is temporary and that this isn't what my life will be like
I need to tell my therapist and my doctor and my psychiatrist that I don't know what to do anymore and that the thoughts that control me are no longer bearable because I know that I want to live
I know however, that if I say the wrong thing, my words will be reported to DCFS and I could be baker acted and I don't want that to happen
So all I have in the end are my thoughts, killing me inside every moment of everyday
Tearing me apart like my lungs can no longer expand
Like my heart can no longer pump
Because my mind controls everything, and everything is in flames

I promise not to put you on the pedestal
that my parents put me on

I promise to love you unconditionally and accept whoever you are
as my parents didn't

I promise to exceed your expectations and **** myself to make you happy
as my parents don't

I promise to set a reasonable precedent, one that's equal to what we're capable of
as my parents didn't

I promise that you exist because I thought the world would be a better place with you
as my parents selfishly conceived me out of sorrow

I promise to celebrate every birthday with you and bring you breakfast in bed
as my parents left me waiting at school

I promise that I had you tested in the womb to ensure that you're healthy
as my parents didn't, because I'm sick in the head and in the body

I promise to expose you to every continent
as I am confined to this city

I promise to send you to private school only
as my parents sent me to terrible schools

I promise to make sure that you never write a list like this

I promise that I will never break these promises

I promise that your existence means something
as my meaning remains unknown

I promise that you will never feel the daggers I feel, as a result of my parents' negligence

I promise that if you ever feel alone or depressed or left behind or suicidal
I will empathize

Because this pain
is unbearable

And I promise
to NEVER inflict the life I've had
upon an innocent human being

There's a girl who's in denial
She doesn't know the truth
And doesn't seek to
There's a girl who dreams of cobblestone driveways
And freshly cut sunflowers in a cylindrical vase
She sees not love but reason to love
There's a girl who wants to share her existence with something bigger than herself
She lives by literature and swears by music
And wants the world in her palms, but only upon her own doing
There's a girl who dreams of someone
She can't identify him or his existence
Yet craves him every day
There's a girl who gave herself away
She regrets it everyday
But knows that he formed her
There's a girl who's broken hearted
A girl who deserves the world
Rather than shards of glass and tombstones
But this girl knows
That life is consistent of glass and tombstones
But cobblestone and sunflowers and love too

How could I say something
So stupid
Without reasoning the implications
I don't know if it was a subconscious cry for help
Or a way of explaining the way something can affect me
But right now
I know
That you are in tremendous pain
And that I am ungrateful and selfish
This isn't about you
It's about me
And that's the problem
I'm sorry
That I threatened my life
When you've lost so much already
The pain persists
And hopefully my love for you will too
Because knowing that you love me
May be
The only thing that's keeping me alive

An old Florida home
Mango tree in the back yard
Hanging over our patio
When May comes
The Mangos are ripe
As ripe as the school children are for summer
As ripe as the reflection of the sun
The sun’s brightness is blinding
And every time we open our eyes
After having stared at the sun
Our perspective on the world is different
Our change of perspective is not conscious
When it rains
It’s fresh
Fresh like dew on a daisy
Fresh like a daisy sitting in the hair of a girl in love
A girl in love
It sounds foolish
That we accept such a complex notion
There aren’t any noncomplex concepts
An explanation doesn’t exist
I could explain for hours
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything more than the coming of May
Or the passing of summer
Even the new beginning of fall
Fall to the ground
Be with the soil
Nothing is forever

What I'm feeling, will remain unrequited
My feelings still run through my veins and arteries
But this love has not been reciprocated
I don't get what I give, even though I deserve to
This feeling is empty, this feeling is a glass half empty...
a glass half full...
The hope still exists, but to a certain extent, it's hopeless
I will continue to feel the way I do
I don't like being alone in this messy room
I rather be in the comfort of his presence
So when the comfort disappears, my sanity does as well
And that causes this clarity, this sadness, this plethora of thoughts
How can this love be unrequited,
If I feel this genuine state of togetherness, how is it possible that he doesn't as well
One way streets and windy roads meet eventually
Do I hold on to the notion of "eventually"?
Or do I let go of what I want the most?

hours have been spent
hours of me, staring at myself
not in a mirror, not at a picture
but of my words

and,
i've come to realize that i have been wrong
and i have been wronged
emotion and pain are understandable but,
how can these words possibly explain how i feel

i've been thinking of someone else for too long
my problems aren't contingent on our relationship at the moment...
because that's pathetic and weak and it's not me
nor will i let it become me

i've been wrong
i cant blame you for not loving me
i cant blame the world for believing that my feelings toward you...
are unrequited
and i wont blame myself either

as a writer...
as a person...
the type of person i am...
it's difficult to call my previous prose and poems
"works of self victimization"
even if they are,
they're still art

**** what everyone else thinks
**** the world
**** everyone

but i will never say "*******" to myself

and that is where i have been wrong

it's going to take more than this
one, long, grievance
to mitigate...


NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

I changed my mind
I have the right to be angry and the right to be hurt
You hurt me and I won't let that go until you say "I'm sorry"

And I take back that comment about "self victimization"
**** that entire concept
If I am a victim of someone else's careless actions, I remain sane in writing it down
I can think of myself however I want to
I was NOT wrong
I was right in every sense of the word because I conveyed the emotion that will never slip through my mouth
It's the emotion that will only pour out of my eyes
and out of my heart
It;s the emotion that is surreal, yet my reality






























NO

They told me that I was difficult to love
I need someone to say "you have suffered enough" to me
Tell me to turn myself around
Tell me that life has been terrible to me and that I have a choice and a right to make things better
The suffering I've endured is surreal
Simply because at every prior moment to suffering
I thought it couldn't  get any worse
but it does get worse
and it eats away at me
mentally and physically
I am suffering
my head feels like its been pounded against a concrete wall
my eyes can't focus on a single object
my stomach turns because I'm starving and too stressed to eat
I wake up and all I see is fog because my glasses can't be found and my mind's too tired
I become lost in my suffering
lost in my life
scathing acquaintances and hating authority
blaming every ounce of pain on unfortunate circumstances
self victimization
it's disgusting
pain is relative but this is too much
still I step through the darkness
and tipie-toe my way into anything lit
there's nothing there for me
When I say "someone"
it used to mean him
now it means anyone
tell me to turn myself around  because I need to rise up above the morning fog
they told me that I was difficult to love
prove them wrong, someone
anyone

I've done ecstasy.
No, I have not done
Ecstasy,
But I've done you.

I've felt you baby,
You're not here,
But I remember
Ecstasy.

How it hit me quickly,
Heightened my obsession
With you,
Stroking my leg,
Telling me to cheer up,
Treating me the same.

I know ecstasy baby,
It's in the middle of the night.
Silent to everyone but me,
Sirens and cellos:
This music touched me
And I felt it grace my arm.
Goosebumps!

I thought guilt was the most unsettling emotion
Saturated in all of my wrongdoings
Crying because there was no way to mitigate my mistakes

But I was wrong in every sense of the word

A clear conscious and 100 enemies is worse than being guilty
Because right now, I know that I did nothing wrong
I am the victim of malice and injustice

Not even fighting the cruelty bestowed upon me

I came forward because they tell me truth outweighs everything
They were wrong
I'm alone with my thoughts
Independent of my best friend and other friend

All because I made an effort to preserve one's life that I couldn't give a **** about

She hurt me
She made false allegations and nasty rumors
She was the one who deserves to be punished by the world

All I did was tell a higher authority that she was insane
And with an investigation comes evidence
So I provided the evidence that I'm morally obligated to give
And it ****** me over

Because the evidence was contingent on a friendship
The evidence was about two of us
Not one

I don't care how many times they tell me I was right
Because it feels wrong
I'm all alone
And I did nothing wrong

They say "you can't go home again"
I dismissed the thought; believed that I could return to the town that I once
rode through on my beach cruiser,
walked through with my friends,
utilized poor construction sites as makeout spots

"I've come home", he sings
but if there is one thing that I believe my mother was right in saying is
that this is all geography

That perhaps is the scariest thought of all;
that I don't yet know where by home is or who will fill rooms with music
and enjoy the elusiveness of life with

I've come home
but not in the way he means it
I have come home to my teenage broken heart--and its perpetrator
I have come home to a house where I was on month-long bed rests
I have come home to a structure that is seemingly not mine

I suppose I wish it wasn't true;
that you can't go home again
and things are ever changing...
that is something we must accept as we grow older

When I truly think about it though, I don't know that I would want to return to my once "home"

I think I just wish I had one.

Across the sea
Fighting the "War on Terror"
Doesn't "war" imply that we have a declared enemy?
You did it for your father
You did it because you love this country
You said it was your moral duty
Weeks without communication
The occasional video chat
All I'd see in the background
Were the bunk beds you'd sleep on
You said you were okay
You told me I shouldn't worry
When you came home
There was a new War on Terror
The war on the terrors that crossed your mind every night
The terrors that woke everyone within a 5 mile radius up
The terrors that ensured that your back was always to a wall
You said you were okay
You weren't
You were traumatized and broken and indifferent toward life because you'd seen so many lives lost
This new War on Terror is more difficult than the one in Afghanistan
This is a "war"
And the enemy is your mind

Her mind is troubled and her thoughts are blurred
nights of endless crying
nights of despair
nights when life didn't seem worth living

You could never tell that beneath her "put-togetherness"
was a girl
who couldn't be in further disarray

She questions love and all that it means
her self worth hasn't been quantified
and the concept of love is foreign yet it lays beneath the fingertips
that type away at the one
who brings her the utmost happiness

Here is a girl that is broken
here is a girl that wants to believe that one day
things will be better

but life is unfair
and she has yet to have a moment of clarity
the moment of clarity that facilitates a purpose
and things are weary and unclear
so she keeps asking her self
"why?"

Here is a girl
who is the epitome of empathy
and the center of love

however, she has yet to receive
any sense of reciprocity
and until the reciprocity exists,
the world will remain to be nothing but an empty plane

Here is a girl
that has fallen to pieces
only to bring herself back together
again
and again
and again

Here is a girl
who has creativity at her fingertips,
but she needs more love, so that her creativity
can become the magic that it has always meant to be

Here is a girl
that has loved herself
and hated herself
and has endured more suffering than anything imaginable

Here is a girl
that represents suffering
that represents strength
that represents
a reason for tomorrow

soulmates never die
they rest in your heart's valves
hibernating from the love that was yours
they sneak up on you occasionally
through hidden lyrics
through words unspoken
through social media, god ******

soulmates graze your heart like dandelion blossoms
they make you feel whole and loved and welcome

but soulmates are not always mutual
they are the one way street you do not want to drive down
the dead end you encounter each time you try to get close to the end

your heart may meld into my mold but perhaps yours needs growing
perhaps the valve pumping blood to your heart is reserved
for someone you have not met

but...
you have met me
you have met my grin at midnight
my tears in your car
my forehead on your shoulder

soulmates never die
you will rest inside me till i forget what it was like to love you

i will always love you
you fit my mold
you rise like magic out of a storybook

your words will never be forgotten
for i live to hold your memory

may it rest comfortably
and may it find a home
in my heart, I hope

As my dearest friend lays in a hospital bed
She calls me
Because she knows that I can empathize
It's unfortunate
That I'm the medical "go-to"
I know the doctors by name
The nurses by face
The drugs by feeling
I think of her
Laying there
Helpless and alone and frightened
As I once felt
And all I can do
Is provide words to ease the pain
Like the morphine drip she's on
But like the morphine drip
The relief is only temporary
I hate that she has to endure the suffering
I wish I could say
It'll all be okay
But I can't
Because I  know that life isn't always kind
It's tangled string and gum on the sole of a shoe
Hard to undo and it sticks forever
As she lays there
I can only hope
That the drugs drag her into a slumber
One that cannot be disturbed by needles or cat scans
Just a peaceful sleep
I know that won't happen
It never does
It didn't for me
Oh, god
If only I could help
"I know how you feel"
"Be ready for..."
That's all I can say
Because I don't know what's in store
The medical "go-to"
I'd send a balloon
But helium can't cure illness

Stop it with the temper tantrums and "poor me"s
Stop victimizing yourself because you are the one hurting yourself
Mistakes are understandable and two-time mistakes are fine
But Jesus ******* Christ
You do this all the time
It's stupid and irrational and self destructive
It hurts me to see you in pain but I have pains of my own
Pains that aren't controllable
I.e. A parent with cancer
Yet your pain stems from the continual decision to smoke **** and get too high
You say you're embarrassed and you should be
You can't control the sad environment around you
But  you can control how you respond to it
So stop responding this way because we're all fed up with the *******
You need help -- Literally
You need a therapist and a psychiatrist
Hell! If I had a prescription pad, I'd put you on a high dose of prozac
And sort out those daddy issues of yours
You are a genuinely good, kind person
But your life is going nowhere because you're too caught up in your cruel past
I hate to say this, but get over it
Because things will not fall into place unless you make an effort to fix your disposition

we say
no strings attached
we say
feelings won't get in the way
we say
it's meaningless
but two people
that have engaged
in this type of behavior knows
that feelings do get in the way
that emotions are stirred
and hearts are broken
and love is present
I find myself dumbfounded
when thinking
that I could have ever thought
that I wouldn't love you one day
and now
I just look into your eyes
I say a word or two
we're both confused
it's painful
and stupid
yet
it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

Here is a jumbo sized "*******" to my ******
Three years, countless breakdowns, a broken person, and one friend request later...
Here we are
Social media is deliberate, you adding me was deliberate
Do you know you are a ******?
I did not consent to you on that eerie February night
I will not consent to your friend request today
I ask you; what could you make out of seeing my profile?
You have already violated by insides, you have violated my heart, my mind, my body
Do not seek a response from me, I have myself to take care of
When I saw your name, I was surprised I did not cry
Animalistic and intentional, all I can think is "how dare you"
Actively "add friend", *******
I am at a loss for words
I am incapable of rationalizing this
Who do you think you are?
Stare at my profile picture now,
My eyes are sadder
My smile less pure
My demeanor more awkward
all resulting from the night you were a bandit
the night you stole me
stare at my picture and figure out who I am now
I certainly won't look at yours

Looking at you is like looking at a marvelous building
a skyscraper, glassy windows and no clue as to what's inside
your words cut me sharper than any knife I've ever seen
you get angry and take it out on me,
say things like
don't ever talk to me again
you're a stupid *****
...yet I'm still here
the words hurt because they have value
I believe what you say because you're my escape
so when I hear the meanness...
it feels like my every insecurity is being reinforced
being around you doesn't make me nervous
- it makes me alert
- present
- emotional
- emotionless
I never know what I'll feel because you're so unpredictable in your ways
your entry into my life changed me
it changed my perceptions of people and culture and the future
and you nailed your thoughts in so deep
that even when you're not here
your opinions are
knowing that you've suffered only makes me suffer
it makes me weaker and it makes my sympathize with silly nothing when I should be focusing on my own problematic existence
you make my days revolve around 96th street, figuratively, that is...or not
you're motivation and anticipation and hope
you're every adjective in my vocabulary and that's disgusting because now I look like one of "those" people
dreaming of you leaves me restless rather than rested
and everything we have in common
sparks either a "*******" or "love you"
never "love"
I'm afraid someone may take my place because I regard you highly
and you know that
I don't know the same
you're too old to be the way you are
and we're both too old to do this again
"this" being "us" or...
you hurt me, all the time
be my friend if you cant love me because I need to be unfolded and wrapped up
I've done all the warming and holding and now I'm lost
so help me find myself
you've done it without knowing it before...
so be with me again
so that I can be strong and in your room
where we can talk about the future
forever...

I have lost my mind
this is not hyperbole

I am suffering

I have lost control
I am in a twister of doubt
I do not know who to call

I am alone
there are no ears at the door
nobody knows to be concerned
I wear armor everyday

My armor does not crack in public
it is hard metal
my tears have remained invisible

yes, believe I am clenching my jaw and my fists
I am holding on for dear life

you told me it was worth living...

barren friendships
love lost
my armor is still on

I sob under my blanket
alone like a child

I do not want you to see my pain

I am afraid to tell you why it hurts

Your standards of morality are so rigid and so orthodox that they're immoral
Because in the end, nothing matters
No one is being hurt
Right and wrong don't matter at the point where they have no impact
I need to live and breathe rather than think profusely and be condemned for my every action
Because everything I do is flawed in your mind
And I don't know what to do anymore
Because we'll never see eye to eye
And my rationale is "wrong" in your mind
And your views are obscene and impossible
Let me live a life where I can act like a child without being imprisoned
Because I am imprisoned by my thoughts
The thoughts that are seen as ridiculous
And you can continue to think of be
as an irrational
self consumed
psychotic
suicidal
thoughtless
cold
human being who cares about nothing but myself

I thought that I could shake the feelings
The feeling of love
Torture
That you bring upon me
I thought that someone else's kiss could somehow neutralize every time you've ever kissed me
It didn't
Every since we kissed
Every other kiss has seemed so...
Passionless, boring, pointless
And I try to shake my love for you
But when I see you around children
You speak to them and smile
I speak to them and smile
And biology takes over
Suddenly, I think of you as a father
As if the children you were watching over were our own
Oh, you
You mean so much
Too much
I can't ever lose you
Despite the pain you bring me
And every time
I try to shake my feelings for you
I'm only reminded
Our passion is incomparable
To any other kiss in the world
And when we make that eye contact
You know what eye contact I'm talking about
I feel electricity through by bones
Warmth in my muscles
Oh, you
You terrible, wonderful person
I can't believe how long it's been
I can't believe how much I've grown to love you

what's my pen name you ask
really?
if I wanted to say something out loud
nothing would stop me
I do-- say whatever I want out loud
but what I put on paper
is none of your business
because you couldn't possibly understand

Knowing that I'm not the only one
hurts more than a gun shot wound
seeing you hug her
only reminds me of all the times
you didn't hug me

I see her face
and it makes me sick to my stomach
I see her and I have to walk out and drive away
because it's impossible for me to believe that
the memories you're building with her
are greater than the memories you have of me

can you remember all the times we glared into each other's eyes?
how about the prolonged kisses?
the late night conversations?
anything?

Or do you have all of that with her too?

If you do
I'm heartbroken and livid and confused

Because wholistically speaking
I'm far greater than her

For I have a brain
tangible thoughts
the ability to speak to your family

I put effort into you
in hope that one day it would pay off

but right now

I'm just an idiot

Feeling like an estranged wife
watching the other woman and her husband together
at a party of a friend that we once shared while together

Want me back
get me back
earn me back

because

I want you
I need you
I love you

you're a raging ****
who takes my ****
not only my physical stuff,
like clothing and books
...oh wait, you don't read
but you take my friends
and my partner
and my identify
I found myself a long time ago
I made a name for myself,
well before anyone knew who you were
That music that you're blasting right now,
was literally extracted from my computer with your USB
...buy your own clothing
...find your own music
....find yourself, because this is identity theft
And then, you paint your room
the same color as mine
this may seem trivial,
but it's sick if you think about it
don't tell me to take my meds when you're mad at me
don't claim I'm a ***** without a warrant
leave me alone
just...stop

Florida saw a stormy weekend.
Buckets of rain
Poured out of the sky,
We did not yet know
That those pouring buckets over
Our heads,
Were angels.

A short drive away,
49 full souls broke
Into shattered pieces
Of memories and
Laughter.

Safety and security evaporated,
Into the sky,
Among the ascending
Spirits of cut-short lives.

Treacherous storm, Florida,
The sun says hello,
Shortly after its short nap.
The sun woke up and
though its beams pressed on the earth,
things were darker now.

Through the rain,
The sun shined an illuminating
Rainbow,
For 49 empty bodies
To dance on,
To bounce off the colors,
Feel one final breath of air;

Reaching freedom that humanity
for so long refused to grant them.