How does the world expect me
To be entirely put together
When I'm so broken
I'm not a pristine mirror
I don't reflect the beauty of the world
I'm shards of glass
That tear human flesh
I reflect only pieces of the world
And the pieces I reflect
Are uneven and sharp and dangerous
I wear a perfectly tailored suit
But my mind looks like an untamed jungle
My heart feels like torn tissue
My heart looks like an emboldened question mark
So why am I viewed as the girl
Who knows everything
Who has it all figured out
I know what I want
I don't know how to get there

How could I say something
So stupid
Without reasoning the implications
I don't know if it was a subconscious cry for help
Or a way of explaining the way something can affect me
But right now
I know
That you are in tremendous pain
And that I am ungrateful and selfish
This isn't about you
It's about me
And that's the problem
I'm sorry
That I threatened my life
When you've lost so much already
The pain persists
And hopefully my love for you will too
Because knowing that you love me
May be
The only thing that's keeping me alive

Reinforcement
Defined my Merriam Webster as
"the act of strengthening or encouraging something"
In psychology, there is negative reinforcement
And there is positive reinforcement
Each act committed is intended to produce a certain result
Give a dog a bone
If they sit when you say "sit"
It's simple
But here I have a problem
My positive acts are reinforced with negative results
Straight A's--> Mental Breakdown
Straight A's and kindness toward my sister--> unacknowledged
Straight A's and a sweet disposition and kindness
Was supposed to result
In me getting
What I have been working for
For over a year
But once again
Life has smacked me in the face
Reinforced my positive acts
With negative results
Further producing
A girl cry
Profusely
A sea of tears
Bricks on my back
Needles in my feet
Hell

I lay here in my bed
In the house that I've lived in
For my entire life
Yet I'm not at home

My sister and parents reside here with me
But I may as well be living with a dog and a cat
No...
Living with a dog and a cat sounds far more appealingn

I've only visited one place
That has felt like a home to me
Where people who I lived with
Understood the pain, the happiness, the mentality

We were a perfect community
None of us had ever had a safe haven
We were all lost and suddenly felt found
And there were nights when we wanted to be in our beds

But as I lay here
I cannot believe the stupidity of the notion of my house
Because here, things aren't good
I'm too high
I'm too low
There is no inbetween

My music is considered to be strange where I live
Where at home we all sang the songs that burned in our hearts
The melodies that depicted all the emotions we couldn't express
Because we understood each other

Here my work is laughed at
No one knows how I express myself
At home, we would read each other stories of our childhood
Or letters written to our dead family members
Or fictional tales that we wished to be true
And we thought nothing of it, because, we were home

And it's been nearly a month
Since I've seen my real siblings
Since we've sung and read and laughed and cried
I dont know how I'm going to survive at my house
I want to be home
I NEED to be home

be not what you want to be perceived as
but what you want to accomplish

don't ask for someone to hold your hand
because you have two
so, hold your own

listen to music that elates your soul

go to places that are extraordinary
meet people who open your eyes
and thank them

eat citrus
constantly

do what makes you happy
surround yourself with things that are conducive to your happiness

and if you have a bad past
dont bother looking back

and if this meant nothing to you
dont listen to a word I say

o
my
god

i hate you

so rude

i can't

i think ive only seen
one other face
that looks as tired as mine

her eyes reflected black holes
and the bags underneath them
were as dark as rain clouds

and her beautiful face
cant begin to explain
the ugliness of her past

when she told me
that her brother had died
i didnt know how to respond

all i could think
was
how can someone possibly be sadder than me?