My mind is tired,
My body moves
With a heavy sigh.
"Another day?" it asks
Another day of cold indifference
Of yearning for closeness
A day of sleeping, but no rest
Of looking for meaning,
But not knowing where to start
Another day of being stuck

You knew me
You knew how I looked
When I'm tired, when I'm sad
You knew how my body sounded
At all hours of the day
You knew every face, every facet
That I tried to hide
You knew me
And you left

The more you yell
             the more I pull away
The more you control
              the more I want out
The more you restrict
               the more desire I have
                                  *to be free

So I was the young sort.
The immature but intelligent, lighthearted but controlled sort.
I thought I knew who I was, where I was, what I was doing.
But **** happened.
Smiling got harder and solitude seemed easier.
I'm 20 years older and 100 pounds heavier
though physically I haven't changed.
It's hard to carry on the same sort of conversations;
hard not to answer every statement with
    Haha, you don't know what worry means-
    You don't know what pain feels like-
    You don't know how intense loneliness can really be-
The thoughts weigh me down. All I do is think.
I have nothing left but my mind and my mind, me.
Carefree is a privilege.

We climbed under bed sheets in our day clothes
and I remembered how soaked my moccasins were
thinking of the salt stains that would soon be there
and how pretty you looked when your eyes were closed

My eyes fought exhaustion with drooping lids
and I drank black coffee like I needed it to live
we washed away our secrets from the day in muddled whispers
and soon decided to go for a cigarette

Climbing out of bed like skeletons from coffins
Dressing for the weather in hats and jackets with boots
We ran across the street and almost slipped on the ice
six times

In the back yard of an old abandoned house
We stood facing the the water
I could swear you were changing
beneath the street lights and heavy breathing

It’s time for me to let go of this
but I don’t know if I’m strong enough
I’m worried that this won’t be good for you
I just can’t keep doing this to myself