your voice was running short
your breath growing raspy
and you couldn't speak any more
but I hope you saw me in your dreams, darling

I hope you thought of me
in your blissful escape from reality
even if it was only temporary
I hope I crossed your mind
even for a short time

love is the kind of feeling you get
when your feet are struck by the rolling ocean
and your arms are wrapped around the boy you've always cared about
the feeling you get when your hands are hovering over a bonfire
                    and it looks so alluring, you want to touch it, wrap yourself in it, submerge your being
                    in all that it is
but you know that you can't
because it would hurt far too much

love is the greatest risk and the biggest comfort of all the world
it's a leap of faith and a step too far
it hurts
but you don't care
because its so
beautiful

You are not just a sparkler
dancing through the night,
late summer of last year
You are not just beer
in a mug on a Monday afternoon
watching horror movies in my bed
You are not just soft, pale
feet kicking out of your uncle's
hot tub last winter
You are not a mosh pit
from every show we ever
went to together
You are not a pair of
pretty eyes staring lovingly
into mine in the middle of spring
You are not your kisses
You are not your phrases
You are not your voicemails
Or your text messages
You are not the words you've written
Or the stories you've told
You are so much more
than a memory locked
forever stagnant in my head
You are so much more
than the ghost of my affection
I will not dehumanize you
because I've lost your love
I will not sit in our best friend's basement
and talk about you like you're some film
we've all seen together
Or some reality show we watched play out
I will not pretend your life
stopped existing when our romance did
I will continue to acknowledge
all of the current things you do
I will continue to learn about you
Because you are a constant stream,
Changing and developing every day
And I refuse to allow you to become stuck
inside of my reflective pain
I love you so much more
than you will ever know
And I will not pretend that you
only live between my heavy heart
and my racing mind

i asked for directions and
he pointed to the sky but
i still don't understand how
the bible can be a road map
or prayer a flashlight
so i think that i will cross myself
and remember how to see
in the dark.

stale cardboard pizza boxes and
smoke ashy lungs are the most accurate
phrases to describe this summer
and i say that while laughing
to myself, home alone,
at the dining room table
but it really isn't funny
its ******* pathetic
and if you haven't noticed
I'm wearing all black again
and if you haven't noticed
i think i'm sad again

i just want some cigarettes
but i have no money
i just want to get away
but i have nowhere to go
and i just want to be okay
but I'm not
so i sit here writing out my
internal sadness onto paper
like it'll patch up the busted pipes
all it does is publish it front page
for all to see
this just in
i'm angry at the world
and no one cares
(why should they)

don't tell me its just teenage angst
or my hormonal emotions acting up
if i feel it then it is real
and if its real then why would you try
to tell me otherwise
because i have one hand on the trigger
and the other in my pants
or in your pants
or in this bag of chips
and its delicious

its like i just realized how ****** up
everything is
and i think id rather be rejected by the
opinions of man than
the natural order of the earth
so to hell with this place
and by this place i mean you
heres some rocks to fill your pockets
and ill watch as you walk into the river
just following everyone else
no second opinion
we are all afraid to speak

so i guess this is me speaking

millions of breaths away from you,
i can only wish they were miles
that i could easily overcome
and finally reach you
and suffocate you with my tenderness
that i never showed
when the distance between us was nothing
but a physical outline.

&on; the count of three, we laid out our flaws and
they mirrored each other perfectly-
when i tried to take mine back
i gathered some of yours (and it was
an accident, i swear, but i don't mind
carrying them for you)

i know how heavy you must feel