I count minutes like I count light reflections
Off the window.
I count them on every finger
And every toe
And every cancer cell
Spreading like a wild fire
Burning whatever it is we have left
There is a purity in destruction
A nothingness where weakness is strength
So I watch
Count
Savor the flavor of the minute
Glenfidditch
Fifteen
A sickness rising in me
Too much spice
I count the minutes
Like I watch the wind
My tongue burned.

dear goldfish -
if I'd been you
I'd have jumped, too.

17 years later I still see her face.
I see her in the glamorous moue of some random starlet,
I see her in the tilt of the nose of the checkout girl.
I see her in the curve of the cheek, the bend of the elbow, the small of some strangers back.

I barely remember her, it was so long ago.
I have been without much longer than with, but she still haunts me.

everyday.

I see her face in the mirror and I understand
why my stepmother hated me.
it's alright,
its all tight its all ok.

What would she think of the woman I have become?
Would we be friends?
Would we be at odds?
Even after all the choices I made,
the hearts and laws I have broken,
would she still love me?

Sometimes that regret comes back to haunt me
And I think "If I did it, I wouldn't be suffering."

I'd do anything to take away these agonizing days
This hurt I feel, this never ending pain.

This negative state I can not get out of
You see, there is no light, so what is the outcome?

Should it be a quick death to end the misery?
Or drain in this river of prayers, crying for mercy.

Should it be a quick blow to the head, to forget the rest?
Or slowly endure this test, and hope for the best.

Whatever the outcome shall be, I hope it ends this misery.