Homework
      Homework
         Reading
Notes
Homework
     Oral exam
“Get good grades, sweetheart”
                                Exam
                        Pop quiz
  Paper. 10 Pages. That’s *******. Can I double space?
             “Only straight A’s will get you into grad school”
Honor roll
       Study session
When’s that deadline? Today? Crap.
           Procrastination
                                                 Stress
“Knowledge is power”
But how do I keep that knowledge locked in my mind when I am spread so thin?
                                       I give up.
Let me educate you.
“**** everything and just relax”

I want you
and you turn away
like the earth itself rotating
to get itself away from the sun.
I know I'm not the source of life on your planet
but
I need you
and you scoff and chuckle.
That scoff, a body flying off a motorcycle
the sound of skin being ripped away
by the hard embrace of the concrete.
I hear it slide to a stop against the telephone pole.
that ******* chuckle,
the sound of all the ribs breaking and stabbing into the heart
but
I know you.
This sick ******* game you play.
Egging me to react
a horse under the whip.
Come on,
buck up,
kick, bite,
raise high your front quarters and strike me down.
I'll only brand you again with shame and horror.
I can see that look on your face
you are guiltless
and amused.
But
I can't now,
I can't repeat this pattern.
You want me to lung at you in rage and lust.
Not this time.
Not hunched over the counter
Not knowing it'll repeat itself in a week.
Hearing my name and obscenities
with that ***** smile on your face.
Not this time.
You only love the worst in me.
You love it when I draw blood,
and break memories,
and scream,
and shatter all the dishes,
that you begged me to keep safe just hours ago.
You get that look
that look cats get beating mice to death.
Amusement.
You get that look
that happy look dogs get when they bring home a dead pigeon for us to eat.
Misunderstanding.
You get that look
that look the devil gets when he hears an infant crying out helpless in sheer terror.
*Satisfaction.

Oh the dark.
Oh the presence of others,
knowing neither of us is
looking
or judging.
Oh sweet nights wrapped in the
foggy,
bewildered,
utterly abandoned,
sheet of drunkenness.
I long for you.
You being an abstract thing.
Unable to find you.
Even when you exist
souly in my imagination.
You are comfort
in the dark.
You are purity
embodied
and abandoned.
I reach
but my mind races away
wrapped around the flickering light of the T.V..
I'll find you,
the hopeless romantic in me cries out
I'll find you.
Even if I don't know who
or why
you are.

The clock ticks loudly
My mind is cloudy.
The class stares at me
I wish I was free.
I open my mouth
But flop like a trout.
My face is on fire
I wish I was run over by a tire.
My hands are sweaty,
No I'm not ready.
As I finish my presentation
I wait for my conviction.
They clap,
I am not longer trapped.
I hurry to my seat,
I feel weak.
Never again
Will I give a presentation.

i.
***** blond hair and braces,
beanie and a sweatshirt,
you were the secondary third wheel
along with myself.
you put on all four hats and
nearly choked on your soda
at someone’s ***** joke.

ii.
hair parted sideways,
black-ringed blue eyes,
we vaguely remembered each other
and talked a bit before going back
to the ones who had originally brought us.
the blue was pretty and you had a bubbly laugh
and were dressed nicer than before.
we finally memorized each other’s names
and when it was time to go,
we hugged and I told you to
drop by again soon.

iii.
braces off and longer hair,
your board had a new paintjob.
we enthusiastically greeted each other
with a hug and an exchange of names
and we ended up sitting at the computer
for most of the afternoon and evening.
we talked without restraint and
had definitely become easy friends.

iv.
hair shaved off on the sides,
the rest slicked back like a new-age greaser,
you smelled slightly of stale cigarettes
when I tucked my face against your neck
for our routine hug.
I squeezed you tight and brushed my thumbs
across the leather of your jacket.
you were angry and stressed but didn’t really show it
and I wasn’t sure what to do with my still-new
feelings for you.
I held your hands outside that night
and asked you to quit again,
because people come and go and life’s too short
to make it even shorter
by ******* on a stick of chemicals and tobacco.
you said you’d quit soon and thanked me for being there.

v.
you stayed over
and we spent most of our time
swapping songs and playing video games
and snacking on poptarts and arizona.
I woke up the next morning to find that
you hadn’t slept
and wondered what you must have been thinking about
that could keep you up all those hours.

vi.
we saw a bad movie together tonight.
our heads bumped multiple times
and we both had to pull up our legs
since our heels barely touch the floor comfortably.
your forehead would wrinkle when you were looking up
and it gave you an air of maturity
that I didn’t know you could pull off.
I wanted to kiss you
but didn’t know what you thought of me
so I didn’t.

Sometimes I feel infinitely messed up.

They say that time is just a metaphor, extra stress humans create
Tell that to the man who’s got a time bomb to deactivate
I think in hours, minutes and seconds, the clock takes control
The minute hand constricting my airway, while the hour hand picks at my soul.
And please don’t let my irrational thoughts push you over the edge,
I could really use a friend, I could really use a friend.