I should have grabbed the letters that spell my name
when the spilled from your mouth
(for the last time)

Stop handing out pieces of yourself like you've got anything left to spare.

At least now I can walk freely,
and not tiptoe around your temper.

I've run out of words to use to make it seem like I'm okay.
The last time you kissed me you accidentally took my smile,
when you left you forgot to give it back.

I will never run out of things to say to you,
but I ran out of chances to say them months ago.

There will never be anything big enough to fill the hole in my chest.
The one that I've lived with for so long that it feels like I was born incomplete.

There is no dam powerful enough to stop the tears that reappear in the warm months like the leaves shed by the trees in the wintertime.
There is no joke funny enough to make laughter strong enough to keep the sadness at bay.

I wonder if I will ever feel more than okay,
if I will be able to find my smile without having to see you again.

It scares me that I might not.

All I wanted was romance,
         sorry it was asking too much.

i'm sunburnt
and sleepy
and half drunk

but i don't want this to end
(well, maybe the headache)
i live for summer nights
though i had forgotten what they meant to me

there's something about the peace you feel
when you're chock full of seaweed and salt water
and your skin is burnt
and your head is aching
that's so
nice
refreshing?
relaxing?
it's a reset
it's the perfect way to end a day
and wake up
new again
(though still a little burnt)

Salinger once said, "I have scars from touching certain people."
You are the one who has left the deepest scars.
I hold my fists up to my face - to defend myself,
we both know it's useless.
You manage to cut without touching.
Your mouth is your weapon.
Your words could cut diamonds,
and they slice through me - I am the thinnest paper,
and you, the sharpest of scissors.
I don armor to shield myself from your attacks when you are angry.
I am your target,
say the wrong thing and I can expect to feel your fury.
I compared you to the hulk;
the way you get yourself into a rage, I could swear you change form.
After, when calmed, you return to your normal self.
Weeping while you apologize,
acknowledging that it's not okay,
punishing yourself for what has happened.
"It's okay" I always tell you
"No it's not" you always reply softly, sadly.

and i'm done
won't chase after you any longer
won't try to make a plan past tomorrow
will try to live in this moment

but
you see
it's hard for me
because this never feels secure
has always felt so tenuous

and part of me feels like you like it that way

so you can have it
i'll drop everything else
won't mention picket fences
won't think about next week
next summer
next year
the future

i'm done chasing the thoughts of a future with you
will only try to love the present

is this really it?

i guess so.

it's....
uneventful,
a slow break.

you don't care to stay,
and,
you don't care to go.

but,
i'm tired of keeping us afloat.
i've been trying for so long.

long ago,
i picked up an oar,
turned to you,
said "let's go"
and figured you'd start paddling too.

turns out,
i was wrong.
i've been going in circles for
who knows how long.

and at some point,
someone's gotta call it,
and head to shore.

and i guess,
that time is fast approaching.
and the person who's gonna call it,
is going to be me.

There's a glass on the edge of the table, it's sweating bullets and they're dropping to the kitchen floor. I'm saying, "I don't know if I can do this anymore,  you never listen to me" and you're laughing to yourself about something irrelevant. You're singing to a song that isn't even playing, you're making notes in your head of what shape the clouds are outside our kitchen window. I'm saying, "This isn't what I ever wanted for us" and you're still not listening. I'm begging, "Would you please listen to me? Just this once" and you're still not clued in. You ask what's for lunch and then are confused by the look of extreme hurt on my face. I repeat myself, "I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry." and you're on your knees. Sobbing. Apologizing for becoming this man, the man even you didn't know you were capable of. You're asking where this went wrong, what you can do to fix this, and I'm throwing my arms in the air. "I don't know what to tell you" I said. You're begging for me not to give up on you, telling me that you can become the person that I fell in love with. "Calm down, calm down, okay." I say, swearing I won't give up on you just yet. You wipe the tears off your cheeks, pick yourself off the floor, grab me by the waist and smile. "Please move that glass, it's going to fall."

is a weird thing.
I haven't realized that I've grown up.
Being a Summer baby I've always focused on the fact that everyone's getting older than me.
The only time I realize how much time has passed is when I look at the people around me.
Cousins who I saw the day they were born are now entering kindergarten.
Sisters go from being innocent little girls making words out of barrettes have suddenly picked up smoking, and a number of boys with bad reputations, and a hatred for me.
Friends are planning their futures, living in cities far from the ones that we had known.
And I didn't even realize what I've become.
I'm living the dream I've had since I was small, walking the streets I've thought about since I was a little girl, being responsible after realizing that 'out of control' was not a phase that suited me.
Time passes so quickly, and I didn't even realize it until I took a step back.

There is no time for sadness, wrap me up in your jacket and take me home.

It comforts me to know that I will be the maid of honor at your wedding - and that you will be the maid of honor at mine.
Through all that has happened, the changes we have experienced as we've become adults, we have remained the same,
and I think that's the reason I still have my sanity.
Words forever on our skin say, "I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both", from our favorite poem and I know our bond is eternal.
People may laugh and say that we might not be friends forever, but we will be the ones laughing because we know that they're wrong.
Although distance makes our communication less frequent, it does not make our friendship any weaker, and we will always pick up right where we left off.
You are my 2 AM, my number one fan and the only person I trust completely.
Our friendship has taught me many things - how to be there when needed, how to listen without judgement and most importantly, how to be a good friend.
We have reached an agreement - we might have different friends, but never ones like each other.
A friendship like ours is once in a lifetime, and only if you're lucky.
Thank you for being my best friend and making me feel lucky.

I was never as infatuated with you as you were with me, for that I am sorry (that is the only apology I will ever owe you). I was fourteen and the earth was shaking underneath my feet, yet you somehow had the gall to try to pull the rug from under me. You were the first person I had seen who could be made unrecognizable by anger.
2. I was younger than you and desperately seeking attention. You used that against me. I still wonder if pitting two friends against each other accomplished whatever it was that you wanted. If I saw you on the street I would not recognize you.
3. The first time I kissed you I felt a hunger that I had never felt before. I could not seem to get enough of you so I called it love, talked about you like you put the sun in the sky. I gave you everything I could and in return you gave me new insecurities, I wonder if you know that. When I look back on the years we spent together I am ashamed of myself. I should have left when I found out that I was not enough for you, but I stayed for a while longer. I'm sorry that you're stuck still, I hope that one day you find your place.
4. You never mattered to me. You tried and failed at making me some sort of outcast. I forgot you existed.
5. You were my friend and we were both drunk. I thought that I loved you but realized I was saying that to spite someone else. I don't think of you, ever. I no longer appreciate the times when you decide to call me and tell me how in love with me you are, please stop wasting both of our time. I am looking for consistency, not something that fizzles out when life gets a little bit busy. I'm still waiting for an apology.
6. You had been on my radar for years before our paths finally crossed and when they did I felt invincible. The first time you kissed me I drove away cheering, I think that was when I put you on a pedestal. I made far too many excuses for the things that you said out of anger, I made far too many excuses for you, period. We are strangers now and I am only now beginning to realize that it is probably a good thing. I still think of you from time to time and wonder if you do the same.
7. I met you telling you about my broken heart, about how I hated to be ignored. You put on your best smile and told me that you would not lie to me. I now know that most everything was a lie. You didn't have to try to hurt me, I had already told you that it would be impossible. I hear you look like **** now (it makes me smile).

I                 had thought different, I
thought    that you were the one that was meant for me
,                I figured that our differences is what made us what we were.
I               should have known what this was, I really
was          certain that this would only make us better, I hate to be
wrong.     I guess in the case that is (was?) our relationship, I was wrong.

                                         I was
                                        caught
                                       off-guard.

i'm twenty five now
officially
halfway to fifty
yet i'm aching to go back
i want to drive through my hometown after curfew
feeling deliriously dangerous
i want to sleep through math class
i want to gossip in the cafeteria

i want there to be no responsibilities
i don't want to stress so much
i'd love to have less worry

alas

time doesn't stop
not even in a pandemic
and we all must age  
and continue on with our days

Stitched together too tightly; you’re ripping at the seams.

Your smile is a facade; it is a lie.

You fill yourself with false enthusiasm that it is spilling out, over your teeth and over your lips, out into the open.

Your true feelings taint the air, infecting all that are around you, you’re bringing everyone down.
You’re coming undone.

All the weight of the world that you’ve been trying to carry for so long is finally crushing you.

You’ve been the tough one for too long.

You’ve become the savored blanket that is so frayed it’s beyond recognition.

The one loose string that gets pulled until it is entirely unwoven.

You’ve fallen apart.

Remnants of the person that you were are scattered across the floor;

no one cares to put them back together again.

I have never been one to trust easily,
or even to trust at all,
early on I was taught that people are inherently untrustworthy.

The few times I decide to trust,
to let people in,
they sneak inside of my heart and then rip it to shreds from inside.

Watch me implode!
I tell them with disdain,
but no one seems to want to watch me combust.

They run at the first sign of anything unpleasant,
hoping that the guilt will not follow them.
They want to be able to sleep at night.

I hope their thoughts keep them up at night.

Wrap your arms around me like a noose,
until I hang long enough to gladly let you take my last breath away.

How do we find the time to say what's on our minds?
Where do we stuff the words that we hear,
in our mind,
on a scrapbook page,
online?
Or do we let them float around the atmosphere until we are ready to remember them?

You are a toddler prancing around in Mom's heels.
Swearing they fit as your feet slip and slide around them,
when will you realize there's a difference between maturing and simply acting older than you are?
When will you realize that blood usually means a certain amount of loyalty,
a certain amount of love?

it's easy -
me and you.

comfort
and happiness
and fun

dinners
staying in
working separately,
but together.
everything.

but

what happens when other people come into play?
when those who matter disagree with our choices
when what we have is set free
will you fight to keep this alive?
i know i will
(i already have)

can we exist outside of the vacuum?

when i close my eyes i can practically feel it:
the sun heating my cheeks
freckles blooming on my skin
the bluest water surrounding me
sand as fine as sugar, squishing beneath my toes

i want to bottle up that feeling
sip from it when i'm feeling low

but
i can't

doesn't mean i won't try

I had a front row seat to the viewing of your implosion;
a season pass to watching you slowly crumble until you met your eventual demise.
To watch a person that you used to know so well drift away and change entirely is devastating. The world is ripped of it’s innocence, it exposes the evils lurking through the streets.
After watching you change completely I became a cynical, bitter and hateful person.
I had to, to protect myself.
I couldn’t let my guard down.
If I were to watch anyone else’s monsters take them over my heart would shatter.
Watching you fall apart was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life.
It has changed me.
I am not able to believe a word that anyone says because of you.
I cannot trust anyone because of you, not even myself.
You have left your mark on my life.
Our friendship has changed me.