What is love?
Why are we so quick to define?
Love takes time.
Like a plant,
it needs sunlight and water,
needs to be cared for a nurtured.
I've been saying it's love for a long time,
when is it strong enough to be defined?

not me
still don't really know

trying to soften the inevitable blow
(not really trying)
(too busy enjoying this)
(trying hard to not look forwards or back)

but there you are
and i am here
and sometimes
i open my eyes
wipe the sleep from my lids
and find
there you are
in bed
next to me

and i know it's stupid
to let myself
melt into your embrace
feel safe
exhale the breath i've (apparently) been holding

but
i can't help it
don't really want to
i'll try to prepare for the pain

but,
oh,
it will have been worth it

you can't box
with a wicked heart
so
i guess my boxing career is over
(before it had a chance to start)

but

can you love
with a wicked heart?

we both know
(i think)
there's evil lurking beneath my surfaces
covered
by
sunshine and freckles and smiles
but
evil
nonetheless

and
i love you
i do
but does it matter?
with a wicked heart?

here we are,
strangers
exisiting
in the same city
.
I don't remember
what you felt like
what your smile was like
if you ever made me smile
I only remember
feeling betrayed
feeling angry
feeling lost
I cannot say that I care
because I don't
I think
we loved being in love
but you were far too volatile
which taught me to be
docile
.
I don't
hold many regrets
but
I regret
so much of the time
I wasted on you

i miss the negative space of your hips

my fists tight,
not clenched,
callused fingertips to callused palms

always braced for battle,
for disaster

quick,
better shore up the defenses.
there's something on the horizon,
can't you see?
i think it's a ship
no,
it's a storm
either way,
best be prepared
make sure everything is shielded
don't let any vulnerability show

I'm not good with my words,
or my abundance of feelings.
But I do know when I feel something,
and I've never felt anything like what I feel with you,
when I'm hiding from the world inside your arms.

Disappointment hits my like a brick,
I don't know how to do this.
Being alone is not something I'm good at,
something I've never been good at.

Thoughts crowd my mind like bodies crowd the chaos that is Times Square.
I want nothing more than to fall back into the comfort that I once knew,
that comfort that no longer exists.

Where are you now?
And I'm so sorry.
I cannot think of anything besides borrowed lyrics to describe how I feel.
I cannot think of words to think the betrayal that I feel,
this year has been rather tumultuous,
and I thought you'd be there to catch me when I fell.

I'm falling.

Where did you go?