I gave you everything I have,
tore down all of my walls and gave you the trust that no one gets.
In return you ruined me,
you turned me into this mess who can write about nothing besides you,
I cannot forget the map I made of your body
(we both know you forgot mine long ago)
it's not fair that I'm the one who suffers.
I'm not the one who did wrong,
I just asked for love,
I gave you everything I had,
put all of my effort and energy into you and your happiness.
In return you treated me like I was nothing,
threw everything I gave you back at me
(besides my trust, you just threw that away)

and now I'm lost.

Two hundred twenty six point zero eight.
That's the quickest route from my door to yours.
I have never felt so alone.
You try to fill the void in my heart with phone calls,
I admire your attempts.
We fill the silences with:
"I love you"
"I miss you"
"I need you"
But it is not nearly enough,
it does not work.
I am still alone.
Waiting,
always waiting.
Waiting for this year to end.
Waiting for you to be closer.
Waiting for the day where you are not two hundred miles away, but a couple feet away.
Waiting for the day where we rest our head on the same pillow.
Waiting for the day where I stop crying every time I think about how far you are,
how long it is until I see you again,
how lonely I am.
Waiting to stop feeling so alone.
Waiting to get used to being left behind.
So
much
waiting.

My feet may be small but in certain shoes they create thunder,
I try to walk lightly.
I feel that I make too much noise as I walk.
I don't want the world to take notice of me.

Sometimes,
I clank my heels against the pavement,
waiting for heads to turn,
waiting for the world to notice me.

I am a bundle of contradictions,
I am the biggest hypocrite that I know.
I give advice that I would never take,
tell people to run when I stand still.

With you my feet are not quiet nor are they loud,
they are shaky.
For the past nineteen years they've done a great job of holding me steady,
but around you they seem to forget how to function.
I forget how to function around you.

I thought I built walls tall enough for only the ones who cared would scale,
but you got in and started swinging.

years from now,
you'll be waiting on a busy New York City sidewalk.
Maybe,
years from now,
you'll be waiting there for me.

is a weird thing.
I haven't realized that I've grown up.
Being a Summer baby I've always focused on the fact that everyone's getting older than me.
The only time I realize how much time has passed is when I look at the people around me.
Cousins who I saw the day they were born are now entering kindergarten.
Sisters go from being innocent little girls making words out of barrettes have suddenly picked up smoking, and a number of boys with bad reputations, and a hatred for me.
Friends are planning their futures, living in cities far from the ones that we had known.
And I didn't even realize what I've become.
I'm living the dream I've had since I was small, walking the streets I've thought about since I was a little girl, being responsible after realizing that 'out of control' was not a phase that suited me.
Time passes so quickly, and I didn't even realize it until I took a step back.

of being sad.

I've made a decision.
I'm taking all that I felt about you and putting it elsewhere.

I'm putting these feelings into anything else but people.
I'm putting the feelings of confidence that you gave me into my step when I walk around my beloved city.
I'm putting the emotion into my writing (I wanted to write you as many poems as I could, now I'll do it for me)
I'm putting the laughter into the moments that I am with my friends and find something truly funny.
I'm putting that huge smile you made me feel on when I walk outside and feel the sunshine touch my skin.
I'm putting my fingers, the ones that I used to run all over you, on the keys of my laptop, on the pen I take notes with.
I will use those hands that used to hold yours to instead hold the rain when it falls, to help a friend whenever they are down, to pet my dogs.
The arms of mine that used to find comfort in your embrace will now be used to hug my family, to remind them what they mean to me, and to hug my friends, hold someone when they are upset.
They will soon forget what you felt like.
Lastly, I will whisper tales of our love into the sand of the town that we probably will never admit that we love.
I will give my memories back to the places that they happened, and let someone else erase them with new memories.

I was tired of being sad.
So I decided to try something new.

there's a leash around my neck and you're the one in charge.

For a long time I've known that,
I let you **** me around with your wild emotions.
If I ever strayed too far I knew you would pull me back in,
sometimes I didn't mind the leash.

Now it's different,
the leash has managed to wrap itself around my heart
and you tug on it whenever you feel like it.

Careless,
that's the word I would use to describe you.

I had thought I knew you,
I let allowed myself to be put on a leash,
I trusted that you'd never pull too hard.

I trusted that you would never let go.

It comforts me to know that I will be the maid of honor at your wedding - and that you will be the maid of honor at mine.
Through all that has happened, the changes we have experienced as we've become adults, we have remained the same,
and I think that's the reason I still have my sanity.
Words forever on our skin say, "I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both", from our favorite poem and I know our bond is eternal.
People may laugh and say that we might not be friends forever, but we will be the ones laughing because we know that they're wrong.
Although distance makes our communication less frequent, it does not make our friendship any weaker, and we will always pick up right where we left off.
You are my 2 AM, my number one fan and the only person I trust completely.
Our friendship has taught me many things - how to be there when needed, how to listen without judgement and most importantly, how to be a good friend.
We have reached an agreement - we might have different friends, but never ones like each other.
A friendship like ours is once in a lifetime, and only if you're lucky.
Thank you for being my best friend and making me feel lucky.

As far as people go I would say I'm not the best.
My emotions are far too volatile,
and I'm much too fallible.

I often feel that I'm falling to pieces,
I'm too codependent so I wait for people to fix me
(which never happens)

My writing is too emotional,
it has no structure,
its only purpose is to make sense of myself.

I'm a mess,
I'll confess that.

At least I know who I am,
accept myself for all of my flaws,
and take another step forward.

your complaints
your worries
your sorrows
to yourself.

Just for a night
I beg of you.

I don't mean to sound selfish
but I want to ravage you
hold your flesh between my teeth
mark you as my own.

I don't want to forget this night
and I don't want you to forget me
at least until the marks fade away.

We will never be more than what we once were - it's a fact for all things that have ended.
Everything is relative, it will do you good to realize that sooner rather than later.
Everything is irrelevant when you're standing on a precipice trying to decide if you should leap into the unknown or hide in the comfort of familiarity.
Things will not change unless you do something different - if you never take a step you will stand still for eternity.

There is no time for sadness, wrap me up in your jacket and take me home.

At least now I can walk freely,
and not tiptoe around your temper.

when our bones crumble and turn to dust,
as we both know is inevitable,
will we be remembered?

When my smile fades,
or becomes a facade,
will you notice?

I've been wondering for some time now how easy it is to let people leave your memories,
I know that I've always struggled with it.

I know that optimism would say that it's difficult,
pessimism would say it's as easy as breathing,
but what about the realistic part of the mind?
Is it actually easy?
I put effort and energy into make people fade into the past,
do you do the same?

I have never been one to trust easily,
or even to trust at all,
early on I was taught that people are inherently untrustworthy.

The few times I decide to trust,
to let people in,
they sneak inside of my heart and then rip it to shreds from inside.

Watch me implode!
I tell them with disdain,
but no one seems to want to watch me combust.

They run at the first sign of anything unpleasant,
hoping that the guilt will not follow them.
They want to be able to sleep at night.

I hope their thoughts keep them up at night.

I could be that book on a rainy day,
the one you curl your body around as the rain pounds on windowpanes.
I could be that soliloquy that convinces you to stay,
the one who captures love with simple words - the one that makes you feel again.

But I am none of those things.
I am chaos -
a hurricane of feelings and emotions that only cause disaster.
I do not posses the calm that is required to be something beautiful -
I am far too frantic.

Pretending otherwise can only last too long.
Our time here is short so let's be honest.
I am chaotic and loud and you are shy and fearful -
let's stay true to who we are and find beauty in all that we do.

The leaves changed around me,
now they're falling,
wind blowing them all around me.

I wonder if I am like that,
changed,
falling,
wandering around,
no plan at all,
just waiting to see where the wind takes me.

to scream,
to yell,
to curse whoever brought you my way.

I can't.
I end up in tears,
somehow with hope that appeared from nowhere that you somehow managed to ****.
I end up talking about you constantly in hopes of not getting caught up in my own head.

I will never
understand what happened.
I have lost myself before but I would never do what you had done.
I would never turned my back on anyone,
especially not someone who would move the sun if I said it was too bright.

I hope.
That you realize exactly what you're losing.
Someone who understood you, who stayed with you even when things fell apart.

I understand.
I have my own flaws,
I have demons I try to fight off, and that sometimes I'm not strong enough.

I never.
Expected this from you.
I never expected to feel this way.

I want to know what happened, I need to understand where this all went wrong.

I should have grabbed the letters that spell my name
when the spilled from your mouth
(for the last time)

the stale New York City air leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I wish to be back by the clean ocean air.
I often enjoy that I can hide in a crowd,
go by unnoticed, go long periods without speaking or listening,
but right now all I want to do is be with the friends who have known me a while.

Don't get me wrong,
I love the life that I lead,
the friends that I've made,
the conversations I've had.

There's just something about that place you call home.
You need it every once in a while,
to remind yourself who you really are.

There's a glass on the edge of the table, it's sweating bullets and they're dropping to the kitchen floor. I'm saying, "I don't know if I can do this anymore,  you never listen to me" and you're laughing to yourself about something irrelevant. You're singing to a song that isn't even playing, you're making notes in your head of what shape the clouds are outside our kitchen window. I'm saying, "This isn't what I ever wanted for us" and you're still not listening. I'm begging, "Would you please listen to me? Just this once" and you're still not clued in. You ask what's for lunch and then are confused by the look of extreme hurt on my face. I repeat myself, "I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry." and you're on your knees. Sobbing. Apologizing for becoming this man, the man even you didn't know you were capable of. You're asking where this went wrong, what you can do to fix this, and I'm throwing my arms in the air. "I don't know what to tell you" I said. You're begging for me not to give up on you, telling me that you can become the person that I fell in love with. "Calm down, calm down, okay." I say, swearing I won't give up on you just yet. You wipe the tears off your cheeks, pick yourself off the floor, grab me by the waist and smile. "Please move that glass, it's going to fall."

Stop handing out pieces of yourself like you've got anything left to spare.

I don't know
   what is
      eating me up inside.