I wasn't strong enough to hold both of us upright - and for that I am forever sorry.

there was a light
i swear
after all these years
i could taste commitment on your tongue

it was so sweet

and fleeting

don't worry
i get it
i wouldn't choose me either

that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt

We are falling apart,
rapidly,
without any warning.

I'm frantically pulling threads from my sweater,
trying to tie us together,
but for some reason it won't work.

I think I know the reason why.
You're pulling away,
silently.

You're resisting as I use up all my strength
trying to reel you in.

come sit next to me.
I won't bite, I promise.
Turn towards me,
look me in the eye,
show me something that I can hold on to.
I'm grasping for anything to tell myself that I am alright,
that you are beside me.
I reach and feel nothing,
did I do something wrong?
Do you find me repugnant?
Did I hold on too tight?
I'm sorry,
I've done this before,
ask for too much (while getting nothing at all)
pushing and pulling
pushing even harder
searching searching searching
for anything at all.
It's alright,
just sit down next to me.
I've changed my mind,
I don't need anything at all.
Just the feeling of your body near mine is enough

(for now)

you can't box
with a wicked heart
so
i guess my boxing career is over
(before it had a chance to start)

but

can you love
with a wicked heart?

we both know
(i think)
there's evil lurking beneath my surfaces
covered
by
sunshine and freckles and smiles
but
evil
nonetheless

and
i love you
i do
but does it matter?
with a wicked heart?

beg for
s  p  a  c   e
,
break my heart
a little each day

it's fine,
I'm used to it.
but
that won't stop me
from trying to pull you closer

I don't even know where to start
don't know where it began
certainly don't know where it ends
or when it ends
I only know the middle parts
I only know some of the happier times
but more of the bad times
I cannot tell you the exact time that it turned
cannot remember when we started to curdle
like milk
it just stopped being good

i don't know where you get off
i don't know how you feel
do you care
and are just unable to show it?
or are you just keeping me around to toy with?
the thought of you drives me crazy
not with passion
but with anger
i have no affect on you
and that's something that i'm not used to
i need you to tell me to stay
or to go
rather than just push me away
all the while
saying that you care

I grab your arms,
(my nails digging deep into your flesh)
you look at me with surprise.

I dive
- headfirst -
pull you
d
o
w
n
to the ocean floor.

I'm begging you,
d
r
o
w
n
with me.
It will be easy,
we'll be together!
I'll be the anchor
(you just need to admit defeat)

i guess.
it's nearing summer,
and you're gone

and

i'm tired of writing about you.

i'm tired
of wondering
why people don't care

so there.
i'm done,
over it.
will only think about it
every other day
until
you finally
fade away.

there was a way
to apologize for my past selves,
the versions of me
that i do not wish to claim.

don't know where to start
don't know when you stopped
caring
liking
wanting
i just know that it's gone

know that i'm
alone
& that you don't mind that

and that's okay
i guess
i'm used to it

i would've appreciated a warning
would've liked to not gotten into it so deeply
but whatever
life goes on
i guess

i see you
(the real you)
usually early in the morning
(before my brain fully turns on)
(before i can really appreciate it)

snuggly and sweet,
satisfied and smiling
no hint of the bravado that'll set in

i want to pause this moment
(forever)
want you to keep this happiness
bottle it up,
sip from it when you are feeling low

alas

that's impossible

the tick of the clock has never been louder
all i want is more time
(with who you are now)

grab me,
pull me in closer,
remind me of where my home really is
(nestled into your chest)
(safe in your arms)
(smiling against your skin)

and
please
(one day)
let me do this for you
let me be the call home
to remind you of who you are
when you're happy
and smiling
and snuggly

i miss the negative space of your hips

my fists tight,
not clenched,
callused fingertips to callused palms

always braced for battle,
for disaster

quick,
better shore up the defenses.
there's something on the horizon,
can't you see?
i think it's a ship
no,
it's a storm
either way,
best be prepared
make sure everything is shielded
don't let any vulnerability show

i did it,
of course.
let myself fall into
the false sense of security

thought that i had done enough
to prevent a ruining.

thought that a day
about me
could simply be good.

but,
apparently,
you had other ideas

and yes,
i can take it.
can deal with a lack of kindness,
can smile through most of the hurt,
but not always.
not today

not when the person
who claimed to love me
who wanted to protect me
set out to hurt

at first:
a bit of static

i can hear you,
but only slightly

hello?
hello?
are you there?
can you hear me?

soon:
nothing

-----

dial tone
and hopelessness.

how am i supposed to reach you
when the connection is so bad?

i'm on a cellphone.
you're on a tin can with a string.

&
i'd do anything to get to you:
battle monsters,
dragons,
taxmen,
the 2 train.

but not if you don't want me to.

what do i do?
do i write a letter?
tie it to a carrier pigeon
hope that you receive it?

i have a feeling
that
even if i hand-delivered
my message to you
it would get lost along the way

airplanes
and
adventures
and
passport stamps
and
peaches so perfect they drip from your fingers the second you bite
and
new fruits to try
new places to see
new oceans to swim in
new countries to explore

and
friendship
and
love
and
comfort
and
security
and
feeling like i'm home
finally

here we are
somewhere new
again

somewhere
i didn't know existed
(i can't find my way out of a paper bag)
(but if you'd drawn me a map, i would've tried to find my way here)

and
i'm terrified

i've spent nearly five years
chasing after something i wasn't sure existed
and it's even better than i ever imagined

i've been yours
this whole time
(even when you've not wanted me)

but

you've never been mine

and
this is
a lot to lose

i don't want to lose it

nowhere's felt like home
in a very long time
not like you
nothing grounds me
like your grasp
nothing calms me
like your touch
and
i'm homesick

i'm
begging for you
pleading for you

just
pick me up
take me home

shoes thwack against concrete
can't get anywhere fast enough
don't remember the first time you said you love me
can still taste the tequila on my tongue

and i'm not really sure if it matters
you'll be gone soon
i'm sure of it

it's okay
i like to be alone sometimes
and listen to the sounds of the city
but sometimes
i hear people chatting
and
i ache to be a part of something
i find that maybe
i don't really want to be alone

and
i'm lonely
which
makes me want to wrap myself inside of your love
fill myself up on it until there's room for nothing else
but
that's not possible
and
even if it were
there's no way you'd let it happen

so
i love you
but
i feel so alone

do you remember those nights?
(i'll admit, they're kind of hazy for me)
(they were long ago)
(& maybe i was a little drunk)

twinkle lights
and music on the echo
stolen kisses
and confessed feelings
(on my end)

sometimes tears
sometimes fighting

never knowing,
always wanting

always being a last choice,
disposable,
cheap

i wouldn't ask to do it again
and if i had to,
i'd do it differently

change it all,
except the twinkle lights

i'm not sure where to put it;
my feelings.
never too sure where we stand
(when i think i'm on solid ground with you,
you pull the rug from underneath my feet)

but we push through

we're working on
working on it
and so far
that's working out

but sometimes
well
a lot of times
i find myself afraid

when you grow silent,
i get frantic.
can picture you leaving so easily
can hear the sound of your fading footsteps
(you've done it before, nothing's stopping you now)

and maybe
that's part of it
part of why
i'm focused on the future
of the picket fences and pools

focused on the forever

and when you say
that you will
love me forever
but
maybe not romantically
i fall apart

because
i don't know what to do with that
can't imagine being with anyone other than you
don't even want to entertain the thought

and listen,
i know i made a mistake
(a colossal one)
and it's not one that can be buried
(i'm not asking for that, it wouldn't be fair)

but
my feelings for you have never changed
(they only grow stronger, somehow)

so
i guess
this isn't a poem about late-night love
or a song to sing along to
it's just the truth

the foundation feels shaky
sometimes
but my feet at firmly planted
and will stay there
if you'll let them

so
please
just stay

too busy
trying to save myself

stop
trying to pull me under
i'm trying
so hard
to stay
afloat

i don't know
where to leave you
or how
or if it's even possible

or should i try again?
rake myself against the coals
to try to win your forgiveness
for something
i'm not even sure i did

probably?
i don't know.
this is
endless
exhausting
emotionally draining

sometimes
it seems like to much
to even put up with

i love new york
and you
(i think)

i like to get out of the city
sometimes
it feels like escaping

silly,
i know

since you're never around
and
we've not done much here
(in a city of hundreds of zipcodes
our moments were contained to a few)

but still

new york will never be mine
and it'll always be yours

you're tied together in my mind
(there's no escaping that)

and massachusetts
might be my home
maybe not anymore

i know nowhere to call my own
(even the apartments are temporary)

but i had thought
i'd carved a spot in your arms
nestled agains your chest
that from the place in my bed
that i could call home

but i was wrong