Pound your fists against the wall as you tell me I know nothing,
scream obscenities through the phone so loud I'm surprised the glass doesn't shatter.
Call it Passion.
Passion is your alter ego.
Passion hates me,
Passion never fails to tell me when I'm wrong.
Passion breaks my heart again and again.
Passion loves me,
Passion always tells me I am talented and smart.
Passion picks up the broken pieces and puts them back together.
Passion never fails to tell me I am beautiful.
Passion never fails to tell me that I would look ugly if I cut my hair,
or pierced my nose.
Passion tells my that my nose is crooked.
Passion is spiteful and unforgiving,
never fails to bring up my past mistakes.
Passion hates when I bring up his mistakes,
he deems his lies necessary,
while deeming my white lies fatal.
Passion is never wrong,
I am never right.
Passion wants me to be honest and say what is on my mind.
Passion wants me to sit down and shut up.
Passion never fails to tell me he loves me.
**Passion loves me.

I never asked for flowers,
make sure to tell everyone that I hate them because they just die.

Why keep something beautiful just to see it die?

I never asked for much,
at least I never thought I did.

You made simple things seem like it was asking for the moon,
a simple phone call,
any sort of confirmation that you were still alive.

You gave me ******* promises and endless lies,
but covered it up nicely with a Tiffany necklace.

I hate flowers,
their beauty fades fast until they are withered away and dead.

I hate you,
the beauty of us faded, albeit not too fast, but it withered away and died.

Salinger once said, "I have scars from touching certain people."
You are the one who has left the deepest scars.
I hold my fists up to my face - to defend myself,
we both know it's useless.
You manage to cut without touching.
Your mouth is your weapon.
Your words could cut diamonds,
and they slice through me - I am the thinnest paper,
and you, the sharpest of scissors.
I don armor to shield myself from your attacks when you are angry.
I am your target,
say the wrong thing and I can expect to feel your fury.
I compared you to the hulk;
the way you get yourself into a rage, I could swear you change form.
After, when calmed, you return to your normal self.
Weeping while you apologize,
acknowledging that it's not okay,
punishing yourself for what has happened.
"It's okay" I always tell you
"No it's not" you always reply softly, sadly.

that no longer hold me in their focus keep me awake late at night.
No conversation can quell the desire I have for them to look my way,
no sorcery can make them turn towards me.

I remember lurching my little body to the edge of the twin bed just in time to ***** on the floor.
I remember sharing a room with my sister.
I remember the feeling of immense pride as I pedaled by Little Mermaid bike across the lawn - finally without training wheels.
I remember my new dog getting sprayed by a skunk before my sixth birthday party.
I remember my dad putting her in a plastic tub full of tomato juice in hopes of washing away the putrid odor.
I remember having tons of friends to invite to birthday parties.
I remember not needing validation from people in order to be happy.
I remember laying in the backseat of the car as the streetlights flew by.
I remember when my sister threw a *** of bubblegum in my hair.
I remember washing the gum out with peanut butter.
I remember chunky copper highlights in my black hair.
I remember the first big fight.
I remember needing to rush my sister out into the rain to avoid all of the yelling.
I remember understanding that separating was the best thing for everybody.
I remember kissing in lemonade stands.
I remember dead-end streets and riding my bike down them.
I remember the walk to my elementary school.
I remember simpler times.

Take my hand and run.

Collapse under the blanket that is the night sky and let me count the stars in your eyes.

Listen as I tell you how much you're worth.

My words bear much weight and I fear that I will bury you under them.

Could we collapse under all of this? Under the weight of the words we are afraid to say, the fears what we are afraid to admit out loud.

Do you believe that our fears would swallow us whole; do you think the weight of our feelings will crush us?

Our bones are too brittle to support the heaviness of our feelings.

We stretch ourselves thin, past state lines, past Fenway Park, past the Empire State building, through spotty cell phone reception in the mornings.

We steal precious moments from the time keeper, who waves his finger to remind us that we don’t have much longer.

When we are together late at night I close my eyes and put my ear to your chest, listening to the beat of your heart as the seconds thump on by. I try to memorize its beat for those nights when I am so lonely and you are far from me.

Those nights are the worst. I can picture you laying with me, I can almost feel your arms around me even though you are hundreds of miles away.

There's not much to say anymore, besides how I feel:
embarrassed
ashamed
disgusted
hurt
confused
did I say hurt already?

Beauty doesn't matter if you're shallow and selfish.
With no depth to your personality it's no wonder you have a difficult time making good friends.
If you surround yourself with **** you will start to smell,
you become one of them.

We can poke fun at me all we want because yes,
I don't have many friends,
but at least I have friends that would never abandon me.

Blood is thicker than water but I feel no connection to you anymore.
Your abuse towards me is unforgivable (especially since you've never directly apologized to me)
I will never forget the things that you said,
I would have expected them from someone (you know exactly who),
but never from you.

It's sad to say but it's a firm decision:
I am done with you,
I feel no remorse about this.

Cutting people off is a common occurrence in our family.
So this was unavoidable,
I wish it wasn't so soon,
I wish you'd realize the err of your ways,
I wish you'd stop being such a sociopath.


Goodbye.

tell me I'm too depressed.
That it's better to go out than to see me.
Your judgements hurt,
I feel like Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook,
"I opened up to you, and you judged me."
I thought you hurt me before,
but your insensitive judgements stung worse than anything else.
I can't believe you judged me,
even worse I can't believe you said that to me.
If I ever judged you,
I kept it to myself.
I never wanted to break you,
I guess we're different in that way.

We collided one day. Limbs intertwined so tightly that they were impossible to separate. We lived for a while, happy at our joining. One day there was an itch that neither of us could get at, for our bodies had tied themselves together so well that we could not reach it. We started to grow uneasy, all because of that little itch. Uneasiness grew into discomfort and soon enough we needed to get away from each other. We needed to unravel from one another, but we didn’t know how. Pretty soon it got unbearable, being together constantly slowly killed our souls. We were ready to hack away our limbs just to escape each other. We had begun to formulate a plan, what we could do to get away without ripping ourselves to unidentifiable bits and pieces. Unfortunately we couldn’t think of an easy way of breaking free of each other. However we managed to tear ourselves apart one of us, if not both, would get hurt. How were we to do this?

The words coming out of your mouth were bitter, harsh and cold.

They hurt, you say them with spite, influenced by your monster,

which had taken over, you let it take control of your words, your actions.

I try my hardest to not let it get to me, tell myself it’s not you, I can’t help

it though. You had always been my protector, my hero,

I had always looked up to you, but not anymore.



What am I supposed to think? You’re not the same anymore.

Your actions are harsh, is it really you who’s being so cold?

Occasionally I see the ice melt in you. There you are, my hero.

What feelings are you trying so hard to bury that you turn into this monster?

You were supposed to be my rock, your job was to patch things together. Help

me, because I can only stay strong for so long, I can’t put on this act



much longer. I am not strong, nor am I brave, which is shown by my actions.

I’m a vault of secrets that would destroy what little is left. We’re not a family anymore.

We have betrayed each other’s trust. We’re unhappily living together, desperately in need of help.

We deny everything but our sadness. I remember the worst fight. It was summer, cold

only existed in the arguments that brought up things of the past, hurtful words fueled by the monster.

From that point on I watched it all crumble, you’d become this mean man, no longer my hero.



That night had changed my view on everything. I became scared of the person I used to call my hero.

I was terrified. Never had you frightened me like that before, your actions

were those of a heavily intoxicated mind, all caused by your monster,

which you can never seem to leave. Do you not see what it does anymore?

Tearing apart what is already torn? Do you not hear the words you say, those cold

words that embed themselves deep in the brain. There is no helping



you. I can only sit back and watch you weep. I want to help,

I need to help, here in front of me is this man I never saw sad, my hero.

The saddest thing I’ve ever seen was you the next morning, cold

water droplets on your back from your shower, as you cry, recalling your own actions

from the night before. At that point I have no idea what to do anymore.

Never had I been put in that situation, the unfamiliarity itself was a monster.



I used to fear the unknown, now I fear seeing more people I love become monsters,

haunted by the things they’ve done in the past, desperately in need of help

but too proud to get it. Often they turn away from those they’ve hurt, anymore

attention paid may result in another bonding with the monster, their own hero

they look up to it, searching for answers, not realizing that these actions

are what got them to where they are now. Is that why your heart’s now ice?



No more will I allow myself to view this monstrosity.

I will become a cold person, unaffected by arguments, not in need of any help.

No more heroes, I’ve learned that when you look up to others you’re likely to be let down by their actions

In the daylight I will call you my biggest mistake,
swear to anyone and everyone that the next time my eyes fall upon your face I will curse you out,
shake my head sadly at the thought of your life - the failures you try hard to cover up

but in the privacy of darkness I will still call you an angel,
swear that you can do no wrong,
know that if I ever let you close enough to touch me that I would crumble and blow away.
I smile sweetly at the thought of your face.

There are people that we tuck into the corners of our mind - so that they will always be an afterthought,
let them taint the places we've been because somehow that makes those places seem safer - it makes them feel warmer.
We know not any reason why we do this - only that we cannot keep ourselves from doing so.

There is no easy way to fix the way that a heart breaks - no way to cure the way its beating picks up when we see the people that we have loved.

I                 had thought different, I
thought    that you were the one that was meant for me
,                I figured that our differences is what made us what we were.
I               should have known what this was, I really
was          certain that this would only make us better, I hate to be
wrong.     I guess in the case that is (was?) our relationship, I was wrong.

                                         I was
                                        caught
                                       off-guard.

You are a toddler prancing around in Mom's heels.
Swearing they fit as your feet slip and slide around them,
when will you realize there's a difference between maturing and simply acting older than you are?
When will you realize that blood usually means a certain amount of loyalty,
a certain amount of love?

anymore.
It's about this ever-growing emptiness that I feel when remnants of our time together appear.
It's about the reminder that I am alone,
that I will likely be lonely for a while.
I do not miss you, do not take this as a love poem or anything of that sort.
You are merely a frame of reference for a time when I was not so alone.
I feel that when I knew you was a different time in life,
so much has changed,
very little that existed during that time remains.
Memories are blurred as I willfully forget them
(I've been wishing them away for months now)
but still some linger,
a reminder of the time when I wasn't so alone.

I had a front row seat to the viewing of your implosion;
a season pass to watching you slowly crumble until you met your eventual demise.
To watch a person that you used to know so well drift away and change entirely is devastating. The world is ripped of it’s innocence, it exposes the evils lurking through the streets.
After watching you change completely I became a cynical, bitter and hateful person.
I had to, to protect myself.
I couldn’t let my guard down.
If I were to watch anyone else’s monsters take them over my heart would shatter.
Watching you fall apart was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life.
It has changed me.
I am not able to believe a word that anyone says because of you.
I cannot trust anyone because of you, not even myself.
You have left your mark on my life.
Our friendship has changed me.

Your hatred burns,
so young yet so easy to hate.
I can only trust you as far as I can throw you
(I'm weak so that's not very far)
You think you know life,
I understand.
I was your age once,
but I realized the err of my ways and changed them.
Saw who was bringing me down and cut them out,
why can't you do the same?
I reminisce on times when you were small and we would do as sisters do,
hide under covers,
play pretend games,
laugh.
I understand you are the innocent angel that I once thought,
but that doesn't have to mean you have to be the devil.
Time apart gives me time to reflect,
see what I have been doing wrong
(which is a lot)
but maybe you should do the same.

Stitched together too tightly; you’re ripping at the seams.

Your smile is a facade; it is a lie.

You fill yourself with false enthusiasm that it is spilling out, over your teeth and over your lips, out into the open.

Your true feelings taint the air, infecting all that are around you, you’re bringing everyone down.
You’re coming undone.

All the weight of the world that you’ve been trying to carry for so long is finally crushing you.

You’ve been the tough one for too long.

You’ve become the savored blanket that is so frayed it’s beyond recognition.

The one loose string that gets pulled until it is entirely unwoven.

You’ve fallen apart.

Remnants of the person that you were are scattered across the floor;

no one cares to put them back together again.

I need a place to cram my memories.
Someplace safe, nothing permanent, but maybe permanent.
I need to change my hair and get a hobby and some new friends and do something interesting.
I need to be interesting.
I need to feel wanted, not worthless.

I won't tell you that I love you because we will both crumble.
We are sandcastles just waiting for the tide to claim us,
waiting for the inevitable ruin that we both face.

I won't tell you that I love you because kindness can be cruel.
It's easy to wear a mask,
easier to look at it long enough until you think it is your face.

I won't tell you that I love you because intention is deceiving.

I will not take your trust because I will never allow you to have mine.

I won't tell anyone that I love them because love is not eternal, you are ethereal and I never want to be the cause of their demise.

I've run out of words to use to make it seem like I'm okay.
The last time you kissed me you accidentally took my smile,
when you left you forgot to give it back.

I will never run out of things to say to you,
but I ran out of chances to say them months ago.

There will never be anything big enough to fill the hole in my chest.
The one that I've lived with for so long that it feels like I was born incomplete.

There is no dam powerful enough to stop the tears that reappear in the warm months like the leaves shed by the trees in the wintertime.
There is no joke funny enough to make laughter strong enough to keep the sadness at bay.

I wonder if I will ever feel more than okay,
if I will be able to find my smile without having to see you again.

It scares me that I might not.

I was never as infatuated with you as you were with me, for that I am sorry (that is the only apology I will ever owe you). I was fourteen and the earth was shaking underneath my feet, yet you somehow had the gall to try to pull the rug from under me. You were the first person I had seen who could be made unrecognizable by anger.
2. I was younger than you and desperately seeking attention. You used that against me. I still wonder if pitting two friends against each other accomplished whatever it was that you wanted. If I saw you on the street I would not recognize you.
3. The first time I kissed you I felt a hunger that I had never felt before. I could not seem to get enough of you so I called it love, talked about you like you put the sun in the sky. I gave you everything I could and in return you gave me new insecurities, I wonder if you know that. When I look back on the years we spent together I am ashamed of myself. I should have left when I found out that I was not enough for you, but I stayed for a while longer. I'm sorry that you're stuck still, I hope that one day you find your place.
4. You never mattered to me. You tried and failed at making me some sort of outcast. I forgot you existed.
5. You were my friend and we were both drunk. I thought that I loved you but realized I was saying that to spite someone else. I don't think of you, ever. I no longer appreciate the times when you decide to call me and tell me how in love with me you are, please stop wasting both of our time. I am looking for consistency, not something that fizzles out when life gets a little bit busy. I'm still waiting for an apology.
6. You had been on my radar for years before our paths finally crossed and when they did I felt invincible. The first time you kissed me I drove away cheering, I think that was when I put you on a pedestal. I made far too many excuses for the things that you said out of anger, I made far too many excuses for you, period. We are strangers now and I am only now beginning to realize that it is probably a good thing. I still think of you from time to time and wonder if you do the same.
7. I met you telling you about my broken heart, about how I hated to be ignored. You put on your best smile and told me that you would not lie to me. I now know that most everything was a lie. You didn't have to try to hurt me, I had already told you that it would be impossible. I hear you look like **** now (it makes me smile).

I wish I -
realized I was sinking,
plugged the holes with my fingers,
bought myself more time,
tried something new,
packed an extra sweater,
had not taken you for granted,
saw you one more time,
said what was on my mind,
argued a little more,
saved myself one last time
- when I had time.