twice
i washed my black sweater

still  
when i put it on  
it smelled like you

i have been through
hundred times worse

bleed my heart out
on a wet concrete floor
picked every daisy
ruthlessly
rootlessly

just recently
parted
from a lifetime

but you
and your scent
in under my skin

i think somehow
you represent
time
and how it changes
everything

what have i lost
what have i gained

i am older now

pull my sweater off
chuck it back into the washer
drown it with laundry detergents
and perfume

when i put it back on
it better not smell of
broken dreams
and anxiety

suddenly i know
where you are on thursdays at 8 pm
the number of pillows in your bed
and what you and your grandma talks about

you only ever saw
the drawn out clothes in my wardrobe
and my hallway plant

all i craved
i got
momentarily

and then
you left

back on the sofa
count the patterns on my wall

no, i know
it was what it was
nothing more
nothing less
i guess

but i rather not have this new knowledge
in the back of my chest
it interrupts my important plans
staring at the wall

soon enough
i will have dreamt myself
weary
of us

the presence
of your absence
will fade

soon enough
the need to relive your touch
reread your texts
will ebb out

the shadow of your kisses
will be oddly
tasteless

and then
one day  

i will have walked past
your apartment
without realising
your lights
were on

how it is
to mean
so little

you clean your list
erase me
along with others
i'm sure

i always made sure
to mean more
in the past

now
it stunnes me
how insignificant
i must have been to you

i guess it serves a purpose
to experience that as well

but it hurts
slightly more
than i thought it would

its been more than eight years
since last you got your way
and i still swill with spite
thinking of it

just like those forest fires on the news
uncontrolled
deadly

i don't even know how to phrase it

i always cared about
making peace

but with you

we never got to be ok
you burned that last bridge down
and for once  
i couldn't allow you to
rebuilt it

how could you
shrink me into
nothingness

your trophy
used

and above all that
how can i still lay here
after all these years

listening to the
echoes
of your footsteps  
on my chest

i dress myself.
in the silent breath
between
your
words.

everything.
fits
here

everything.
i pretend  
i never was

everything.
you are prepared to
give me

reduced to
this.

i dress myself
slowly.

as if the light from your silence
reflected on my
naked skin
don't bother me.

a pull
towards you

i want
my fingers trough your hair
linger on your curls
your eyes
to linger on my curves

i want you
to long for me
bending down when you're
too long for me

your breathe
on my lips
a pull
on my hips

towards you