so I guess this is me
googling exes on a Friday night

rain shattering outside
cozy socks on

peculiarly enough
it’s always been a sign of ease
for me to
roll in the depts
relive anguish
squeeze out the last agony

I do love
to dream
and feel

8:26 pm
maybe I should call it a day
dive into bed
socks still on

such a wild Friday of fun

i envy you
at times

you have always been
all or nothing
black or white

once in
youre in it for the long run
and if you leave
youre not ever looking back

i remember how it used to scare me
being either one of those

the one you stayed for
the one you left behind

i always keep my mind in the clouds
all i ever felt
preserved neatly inside of me
dying to wear out
dying to get out

filled with contrasts
bursting with pasts

i curse my abstruse heart

always so restless
always so incalculable

i do wonder
if you feel my uneven heart beat
when we lay still
or if your peaceful ways
simply
smooths my irregular ways out
inconspicuously

it’s easier to think of you
the way you constantly fell in love
making me just one in the line
of all your miserable loves

you always seemed to choose the
impossible ones

(it’s harder to think of how you told me
and the room filled with sleeping travelers
that this isn’t about wanting the unattainable
this is something unfeigned)

it’s easier to think of you
the way your silence reached over days
impossible to get to
constant involved deep in your pain

you always seemed to feel
the world did you wrong

(it’s harder to think of our long talks
safely protected by the night
mixed with tears of laughter
and well-hidden secrets from our past)

it’s easier to think of you
and how your stubborn ways made everything
so incredible hard

you always seemed to find comfort
in beating me to our end

(it’s harder to think of all that trouble you put yourself through
just to make me happy again)

it’s easier to think of
that anxious person
i’d become with you

i would be the perfect one
for you to leave behind

(it’s harder to think of the fact
that i still think of you
despite all that)

i know
the idea of you
is pointless

nevertheless
today
i dream of you
like i tend to do

in that valley
where i left your kiss
hanging in the air

i could feel you waiting
for a change of heart in me

my heart never changed
it still beats with the same
ambiguous beats

i cannot remember
our night time talks
and forget our burned down silence

all the same i try

tingling agony
desperate for your gaze

i cannot shake you off

longing for your absence
to pass

what if I wake up
three years from now
days eloped

everything I stayed
and walked for
like melting ice

shattered blank sheets
in pace with everything else
falling into place
finding home

what if at last I see clear
and all is passed

what if its fear making me stay
what if its fear making me leave

in air
all thoughts fall
free

and I want it all
desperately

everyday an adventure mixed
with peace

all the same

run
never blaze the fire
bare feet breaking new ground

what means most
to me?

I always reach the same answer
lay down
back in bed
with you

months passes by
and then
slowly

I circle around
back
to the same
piercing fears

Eighteen years
and he was gonna graduate
the coming year

his smile
said to be
the most beautiful
and all agree

how different it all was
without knowing he’d be gone
the year to come

his family
facing facts
but did they ever accept

his dad
was gathered

who had and will have
the hardest time to take it in?

his mum talked to God
his son was gonna enter
one day
did she ever accept
that day was gonna come soon
or did she always pray
for a little more time

did they ever stop hoping
that they wouldn’t be forced to bury
their son?

and the love of his life
they settled down
although deciding not to marry
she sais he never stopped talking
about their future

and now
every coming day
will put his last breath
further away

we saw each other grow up
and they cannot go back
to ordinary
because he’s not

I wonder when they knew
if they ever believed
that he wasn’t gonna be there
one day

she sais the pain grows bigger
every day
the lost gets more substantial

this town will not ever be the same
because he was gonna live
just like every one of us
until he died
and everyone knew
and it broke us down

the big people
they bleed
and the small people
they bleed

how can we not
after this?

when I saw her walk in
at his hour of commemoration
I never heard pain so load
never seen despair so clear

and his best friends
their eyes were not the same
so tired
and their bodies couldn’t take it
carry them up

how can we keep on living
our lives after this
and still,
how can we not?

when we have what everyone wanted for him
what he wanted most

we have our lives left
and we too
are gonna live
*until we die

after all
he’s immortal
but only a memory
for anyone
left behind

you can still feel
the empty seat
and no words erase that
but all still try

when he died
his life was filled with them
until his dying breath
and the main part of his life
involved them

but for them
he will always be a chapter

in twenty years
they’ll still remember
their best friend
from school

always a memory
always undying

on everyones lips
but unspeakable

and still
only a part
of their lives