I can't write out the silence. The absence of your breath. You never made it. Who wants to be, honestly. In the middle of it.
Isn't life supposed to be more than this.

I can’t count the amount of times you’ve saved me
since first class and up to seventh’
where I was lost in life
you guided my way
so meaningful

after that
when I made my hardest choices
which shaped me
you were right beside

in some cases
you were the first one I turned to
thoughts I haven’t even dared to think about by myself
with you
they became sentences
with reason

sometimes
you were the hardest one to talk to
admitting to you
meant reality
and finally letting go

green summer grass
wandering around
all options are open
that’s how it feels with you

when I broke down
winter snow
pointless

sitting in your bed
took away the feeling of
meaningless

I don’t know how
but
soft warm pillows
comforting and isolating
it felt just like that

the world gained brightness
and color
once more

now I can see your sorrow
and I want to surround you with blankets
life won’t disappear from you
I promise
it’s okay to rest your head

and sometimes
life doesn’t take us where we’d hoped
but we'll figure it out
somehow
we always have

green fence and
water wars
old diarys collecting
thoughts
our land by the
rainbow
turkish delight and a pleasant invite to
the kids party
your summer resort
and mine
throwing snowballs at kids
making videos
and songs
just dropping by
doing nothing

eighteen years
still counting

you are
and will always be
my good friend

Black big circle on the left side
dark mist, undiaphanous
a bit in the way but still,
like the moon
on the other side of the globe

right side a grey foggy one
for what can be
paint it over
but not as dark as the first one
after all its not finished yet

a long sinuous road in the middle of the two circles
moving around them, stirring
not too close but still bound to them

one unpacked, filled bag

the first one
painted so dark you could tell it must have hurt
whatever hidden under is well hooded

the latter one
so insecurly filled
nothing certain
all unsettled

might add some colour
to the road

What if almost everything
begun with you
all those half-moments
disguised in the back
covered up in black

that creeping feeling
under my skin
a silent trapped revolution
dying to break free
choking on the pressure of someone elses need to own me

a constant conflict
an equal yearn to be as central as unseen
always on first and second place
the need to seek approval in every meeting face

what if every dying love
every trapped emotion
begun with us

because what you asked of me
for ten long years
I could never give
the pain from our scars never found ease
and we never did
make peace.

i will be a woman
in every land i enter

and when i return
i will be whomever your lips
have made me into

i have never been able to own
my story
my future
myself

i have always belonged
to someone else

like you said
in green agony
'you were mine first'

but don't you see?

i was never yours

how could i?
when i have always been mine

first
and foremost

day by day
the revolution approaches
day by day
we rise

i have always been so certain
of my rights

but how can we possibly
decide
when life counts

and yet
how can they possibly
decide
ours doesnt
anymore

it could have been
more in life for you
mum

somehow

i can't say i'm sorry
i can't say i'm not