**** everything and everyone
The school told me I couldn't start a lumberjack society because it wasn't
"Educational"
So **** them
This Thursday I'm doing it
I'm bring in pancakes and we are wearing flannel and there's nothing they can do to stop us
I just wanted this one thing,
Just one ******* thing
And if it's a stupid club
Where we wear flannel and eat pancakes
Then who are you to ******* stop me
To take this away from me
You can't
When someone needs something, they will do what ever they have to,
I need something,
And now it's this club
So just try and ******* stop me

tick                     *tick
             tock                    tock
The clock strikes twelve
And I delve
Into thoughts
I thought I forgot
But here they are
Gold and marred
Crying and dying for
I can save but one before
They're gone

The sorrow of the stars
Covers all of earth
Wet grass beneath my feet
Reminiscent of the golden birth
Dawn's fingers caress the sky
Her dawdling hands try to justify
Genocide with light, the world adorning
But the tears of the stars always remain
Remind
There's a reason we call it *mourning

Imagine a balloon
So high up in the air all you can see is a red dot
With a string, miles long, connecting it to a golden anchor
By your feet
And you have a pair of scissors
Would you cut the string and let it fly into a mysterious oblivion
Possibly just a balloon graveyard, but maybe an adventure, where the whole sky is pink save for a few golden threads
Or reel it down and retie it on the anchor, beautiful, but static, only a slight wind to add any variation,
if there was ever even a wind at
all
Or would you cut the balloon, and take it with you, where ever you choose to go?

I think I need a break,
Everything here tears me down and rakes
My heart, and these wounds do not close,
I am an ant and life is a rose,
I try to climb to that sweet fragrance
But there are thorns to impale me and the other ants
Put me down, I'll never get to the soft red petals,
And right now if life were cars, I'd be in a rental,
And it's due the next day,
And I'm out of money, what could I say
Besides yeah you're right ok

I would like to help someone else,
Because then I might finally feel like I mattered

If you could build
A tower
That spiraled
Up
So
High
That it literally
Broke through
The sky
You would, so you could
Put her in the stars

A man
Alone
Only comfort in sleep
Because only in sleep
Do the others come back
He dreams their lives
Their loves
Their pain
Their loss
But they aren't real
Only he is
What happens to them when he wakes up?

You know you're growing older when there's no more comfort in sleeping in your mothers bed,
And everything is confusing and complicated and so, so loud inside your own head,
But you know you're growing stronger when you head into the dark alone and found
Yourself actually trying to find the volume button, and turn all the pounding, the screaming voices,
down

Roads divided
And hearts are blinded
By pain

For what?

Brain is pounding
Sirens are sounding
Insane

Enough?

I am still young
I could gaze at the sun
For years

what cost?

I have lost friends
But they weren't, in the end,
I tried

I lost

I remember everything,
Stupid jokes, laughing,
Deep conversations and knowing smiles,
I remember,
And you, you who were my best friend, as I was yours, have all but forgotten,
And I'm sorry, I won't expect you to remember me, or think of me again, because you've found something better, something to show you our friendship was insignificant I guess,
But it still hurts, I never thought my own brother, who had earned that title from me with more than blood,
Wouldn't think to save one thought of then,
But what can I expect?
There won't ever be someone to remember little details about me so intimately,
I haven't even had someone to be interested consistantly in spending time with me,
It's not even that I'm always ignored,
I go unthought of,
And I think that's even worse

I've started to draw
A self portrait,
But I'm scared to really see
How I perceive myself

I loved being in love
I loved that giddy feeling I got when I talked to you
I loved the way my heart got all fluttery
I especially loved your smile
But, there are always the things that make you wonder
I didn't love the feeling I got staring at my phone for hours, waiting
I didn't love how my heart would get so heavy so fast, til I couldn't move and needed you to free me
I especially didn't love how I always felt you didn't care at all

That's why I'm using past tense
So I can get over this feeling faster
The thing I value most is freedom
But somehow you got me to chain myself
And you never meant to, I know
You never knew,
But I still need to break the chains
Because I've recently been discovering,
I deserve to be happy too

A living prison, a cage of bone
A beating submission, confined, enthroned
Fettered by the weight of a breathing crown
Off centered, a bit to the left, and looking down
Never up, he's never braver
To hold the gaze of his enslaver
Who dwells above the cage he built
Killing doves  and avoiding guilt
Wrinkled, emotionless, an empty whole
The captor found not comfort, but lack of pain, in selling his own soul

Silver falls gently on soft green grass
Millions of souls still shining although they are passed
Lighting our way when the world has gone dark
Protecting our spirits and growing our hearts

Others laugh, my voice is silent,
Others dream, my minds more violent,
Others see, my eyes are clouded,
Others smile, my minds too crowded,
But others are themselves, as I should be
I could learn a lesson from them, learn to be me

Each soul has a melody
There are words in our mind, on our tongue,
Our hearts all share man's true rhythm,
It's been beating since this world had begun,
And some will ignore
Or ask us what for,
Wonder why we believe in chance,
And they will go,
But even then they will know,
There are songs so that man may dance

I have a great aunt
Wild light grey hair shoots out of her leathery wrinkled scalp
She's in the nursing home she desperately wanted to avoid
And she's been bordering death for years now
But her eyes still light up when I go to her room
And I hear her screech missus baby it's been a while!
And she smiles and she cackles at whatever I say
And grasps my hand
But I'm not the only one who visits her
Her mother does, sisters, more recently her brother
And they've been gone for a while now
And everyone says aunt dolly is crazy
But I think she's just about the sanest person I know

You're dancing through corners
Dodging questions and formerly friends
You don't want to talk unless it's a joke
You're too scared to eat for fear you may choke yet again
But you still don't want people's help

You still just won't let me help

I just want you to smile again

He woke up in a white room
Surrounded by men in white coats
Begging his momma for water
And Robin had to watch through the window
As he cried
Convulsed
And the men said no
She had to watch her son
As the doctors pulled the plug
They say heavens a better place
And I think that's true
And I think he'll be happy,
Eating Mimi's cooking,
Watching his family from up there,
But Robin,
Little bird,
How long will it be until you can fly up to your son?

Everyone needs someone
Because I know we all run
And we'll need somewhere to go to
Or not somewhere really, but somewho

I heard a word that stirred my soul,
My heart, lips part, words start to roll
Off of tongue, the beauty sung hurt my lungs, breathe,
I remind myself, crying I find myself, it meant to grieve,
To smile, to walk a thousand miles on hot coals,
It drains a straining heart then a second later makes it full,
It surrounds us, it confounds us, leaves us bound to one another,
It gave me what might yet save me, bound me to all my brothers,
I regret how I forget things so fast, things that came from up above,
But I just woke and finally spoke that once forgotten word,
It's already fading, please come back to me,
Love

Hello up there
i scream
But still can't get your attention
Giants weren't meant to listen to ants
Just step on them i guess
And my tears are too little to drown in
But i am swimming in just one of yours
And i just want to help you
Please let me help you

Words are hard to use
The ones that mean something are so heavy on my tongue that I can't push them out
And the ones that don't fly out like a bag of crumpled paper poured in front of an oscillating fan
But spreading crumpled paper everywhere like that
Is littering
There are some people who were born with words in their mind and rhythm besides beat beat beat in their hearts
And everytime they breathe in or out it's a miracle, something to praise
And every sound they hear is a symphony
And the words are still heavy
But they bear that weight with pride
And the pain that comes with it
She wonders why talking is hard for me
She doesn't understand the concept of a weaker tongue
Tells me to open up the vault
And I've tried before
And I'm trying now
But I think it hasn't been open in so long
It rusted shut
And I have paragraph on paragraph I want to tell anyone who will listen
I want to scream to the sky
I want to pull off of my tongue and throw as far as I can into the ocean of the past
So I can watch it sink and never worry about it again
And I think even now that I can't
Even as I am pouring the first one into these lines right here right now
But I have the rock in my hand
All that's left to do is hurl it into the sea

I do not not have anyone to save me

Just a kayak

Money I can only have if I go to school

And a dream

I don't know a lot of things,
I don't know why leaves should be green and skies should be blue,
I don't know what can drive a person to do some of the things that they do,
I don't get why people can't just talk about how they feel,
And I will probably never learn to determine the difference between what is fake and what's real,
But I think I've learned
One must suffer into the truth because they cannot know true happiness without pain,
Heavenly bread should never be the cost of an earthly gain,
The only person you owe anything to is you,
And you deserve to be happy, no matter sins you've committed and ones you will do,
And the one thing I know to be infallibly true,
Is no matter what I tell myself, what I say, I think I may love you
But you don't feel the same way as me
And that's okay too

isn't it sad we'll always remember the coyote from roadrunner because of his attempts at violence instead of his extremely realistic tunnel paintings?

The sun feels nice on my skin through the car windshield
As I sit in the grocery parking lot
And the leaves are that yellow-green and red color,
Still hanging on to the trees
And I am sick as well as alone
But I can see my mother walking towards me
And I know she will come sit beside me
And she will take me home

There is murmuring
Completely surrounding
The vessel of my mind
Imaginary places
Occupying stationary spaces
Hiding behind my eyes
Words no one said
Envelop my head
And leave my real eyes blind
Trying to know
What I lost long ago
But the past is so hard to find

I want to build things, I want to be someone who brings
New things into existence, someone who has given up all resistance
To denying who they are, so that I can make it far
Enough to find the end and away enough to be a friend
To those to scared to ask

The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born

Why are beds so great?
Because they are soft?
Is it because curling up under a blanket in them subconsciously reminds me of the womb?
Or the times when I was much younger, and another could be with me and nothing would be weird at all?
Is it because deep in my heart, I'm a romantic, and I think about the person who I will love above all else, and who will feel the same to me, who will share my bed and my soul?
Maybe I'm overthinking things and it's just because bed is a comfortable place to be, but (this will probably sound strange) my thoughts of my bed or the feeling I have going to sleep feel more substantial than that
Maybe I just love sleeping
I probably just love sleeping
But maybe I love this mattress too

Years have passed
Since I was cast
Away, to sea

Learning to float
Turn rocks into boats
What we hate to be

And I will drown
I hear sirens in sounds
But still do not see

Trying to find
What's gone from my mind
I have to let free

I think I understand now,
What you're trying to say, how
You need to save yourself, please friend,
Do so, stay alive, and so will I, I'm not ready for my end,
I will continue, though as we both know,
Everything changes, as if fate intended to throw
Us, cut us down from our feet,
And while we are down, rest your soul, sleep
If that is what you need, but I,
I can't stay, every second spent is paying to writhe
On the bottom in agony,
No, I cannot sleep, there will be no rest for me,
And I don't need you to fix me, I just needed someone who could understand,
No one else can save me, it must be by my own hand,
But know this, remember it when you awaken,
No matter what happens, you are my friend, I know you are, I know I'm not mistaken,
So I will get up, no matter how hard it will be,
Suffering into the truth, I must suffer to find me,
And maybe when you wake up I'll actually have done it,
I won't be alone, and you'll smile and Make me sit
Down and tell you how I did it,
How I found home

I'm not exactly happy right now
But I'm not exactly crying
And I'm not exactly living right now
But I'm not well on my way to dying
And people collectively are not exactly good
But neither are they bad
And it's been a while since I've stood
But I'm not sitting down sad
Because I am not defined by one action
We are constantly changing, growing,
Into who we need to be
We are not one moment of pain or satisfaction
We simply are and I am, and knowing
Knowing that keeps me free

People have no respect
For the ones like me
We fly but cannot land
And it's so hard to see
I guess we are insects
And that's all I'll be
But they cannot stand
The fact we are free

I'm walking down an empty path,
Breaking in earth as I try to last
The tears, the pain, the broken smiles,
But fear remains, though I've walked for miles,
My head pounds harder and my skin is numb,
The air is frost now, the shadows come,
The ghosts of my past have found me
Old hopes and dreams surround me,
Along with the others I had left for dead,
They wail and they scream and inside my head
The pounding gets louder, it grows and it grows,
And the shadows come closer, there's no where to go,
They're all around me now,
And they've bound me down, how
Did they find me, I thought I was gone,
Why did they bind me, it has been long
Enough for them to forget,
And the pounding gets louder still, and yet,
They are quiet as death,
Empty, staring, watching my breath,
How did they find me alone in this wood?
I guess shadows follow, as follow they should,
For without darkness there can be no light,
But these are too dark, and large in their height,
I can't see past them, to dark I succumb,
They have found me and bound me,
And now I am numb

It's hard to be the fourth child
I cannot meet all the precedents they have set
And I know that
But I hate the fact that it's true
And I hate that no matter how hard I may try,
I will not be a genius/writer,
I will not be a rebellious artist,
I will never be the perfect student with a musical streak who has never failed at anything in his life,
And all that I will be
Is their little sister
Who tried her hardest,
Who must've had a tendency towards masochism,
Because no one sets themself up for failure that many times in a row on purpose

As she was tucking him into his bed
She loosely grasped for his hand and she said
Son do you mind the blanket gran knit?
He said no I don't, I don't not one bit,
It's big and it's warm, she made it to be,
She made it for love and she made it for me
Son do you hate it when I pack your lunch?
Mommy, you're silly I love it a bunch,
I know you're busy and it's hard to do,
And the note you leave, well, reminds me of you
Son do you hate me cuz I'm not you're real mom?
I don't mind that, that it hasn't been long,
Because I love when we are together
Right now I'm new, but we'll last forever
Son do you hate having to mothers?
Mommy I wouldn't want any others
Mommies love their children, that's what they're for
And now I have two, to love me all the more

Recently ive only been comfortable sitting in a ball hugging my legs closer to me
i even sleep like that
So Small
And in English class i saw you wanted me to read my writing out loud,
Kept asking anyone else while covertly glancing my way, seeing me shrug my shoulders up, sink into my seat and hide behind my hair,
And i know you were dissapointed in me, and i am so sorry, you're the only one who ever came close to thinking of me, you're the
only one
And im sorry i just can't do it
what if i was wrong or i confused people, or what if they looked at me and listened to what i wrote and then they weren't just looking at me they were seeing and i was wrong?
i know i was wrong, i always am
im sorry
and i know you would tell me i couldn't be wrong, and to face my fears, but at least im facing one,
ive always been facing one,
im so alone, there are people in my life but they don't know me,
i cant tell people and they can't see without my help
So ive been living out one thing that terrifies me my whole life
im completely and utterly alone
But for some reason, i don't think that would make you proud
it would make you sad
For me
And i don't know what to do
Because more than anything i want you to be proud of me,
But i can't show people me
i cant
But i also don't know if i can go on alone much longer

As to the times and the seasons
As to men and their reason
For though things suddenly come
Whether be demons or the glorious son
We do not thrive in darkness
We were not made for the night
To us stars, angels, harken
You are the children of light

I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows

It's funny, this world we live in,
Where toy dinosaurs are made of real dinosaur's bones,
Where even when others surround us we can feel so alone,
Where we feel we need to cover our souls,
Because somehow lead should be more appealing than gold

Extrapolating from tomorrow
the sun will be in the sky
The birds and the bees
Will do as they please
For they have never asked why
Extrapolating from what's borrowed
We know this world is nigh
But they say we'll be saved
For love and His grace
No matter your faith or your crimes
Extrapolating from what was lost
It will never come back
But diffrent things
Children then wings
Will replace what it is you now lack
Extrapolating from what cost
We have paid for others
We are owed back tenfold
But don't want any gold
Just the love of our brothers

It's so strange
Detached-ness
When books are more human than people
And the people you try to be human to push you away
So you just coast, people still like you, just not specifically more than anyone else
And then you realize it's kind of nice
To not be depended on
But I'm going to a play tomorow
With someone who hasn't ever pushed me away
Or brushed me off like an annoying fly
She, and my brother, they really care about me
And that's nice too
To have friends

Isn't it fun
Finding out your cousin is in the hospital
That you probably won't get to see your only friends
8 hours away
Because you may be attending a funeral
For a guy you grew up with
Who's only twenty
Who may need a heart transplant
Or who may not live long enough to get his name on the list
Who you've always seen every thanksgiving, every Christmas,
Who you played football with and ate fried oysters
And you can't talk to anyone about how you wish you had at least the semblance of normality in your life
Because they'd think you're complaining about the inconvenience of your cousins funeral
Instead of what was really happening
About everything building up
And me not being able to deal with it
And me not being able to sleep at night
And me not being able to talk to anyone
Because I've never made a real friend
And the only people who have to care about me
Are fading out faster than the light in my eyes
And I don't really have much
And he has a whole life
And a girl friend
And real friends
And why couldn't it have been me?

I've been told contradictions don't exist
So why in the pit of my being is there a void and a mound of lead all at the same time?

Why is the sky dark at night
And why can't we ever escape our own shadows
Looking in to the silver glass
I can see someone
With brown hair swooping over their right eye
and shoulders perpetually hunched as if they've never been at ease
But then I(they?) blink and they're(I'm?) gone
There are leather cages on my feet
That are supposed to protect them as I go along
But maybe if they weren't there I would learn from any misstep
instead of not feeling anything at all
And I've never liked lamps
Because all you have to do is pull a switch
And then there's light
And it feels false
Because people have to work so hard for any light in their life
And a lot of times it can only last a second before it's gone

i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand

If I were ever given the chance
To touch the sky with my unworthy hands,
I would put the stars back in their correct places,
Because night's jewels should be showing all your faces,
For you friends are the truest beauty
I've ever known