Hello up there
i scream
But still can't get your attention
Giants weren't meant to listen to ants
Just step on them i guess
And my tears are too little to drown in
But i am swimming in just one of yours
And i just want to help you
Please let me help you

A beautiful girl,
Weeding the garden,
Covered in rags

A handsome prince,
Riding his horse on by,
Gilded with silk

He sees her
She sees him

He rides on
she goes back to work

I'll make it through
Others have been through worse,
Yes, I know, it's true,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt,
But the truest steel is forged in flame,
And the truth of my heart is forged by pain,
I'll be ok ,I have to be ok,
Or else I won't know difference between night and day,
There will be nothing in my chest,
It hurts I have confessed,
But if I stop to dwell in pain it will stay,
And if it stays I know I will go away,
Husks aren't living, but I need to be,
I must keep living, or I'll never be free,
Because when you stop living, you die,
And if you won't inhale, you can't ever sigh,
And if you've never smiled, you've never really cried,
And what isn't real, no amount of faith can buy,
So I will keep living, I'll start trying, I'll stop lying,
To myself, at least, the truth will be known,
And I'll live till I die, no inbetween, No empty throne,
This is what shall be, this is all the truth I own

I remember everything,
Stupid jokes, laughing,
Deep conversations and knowing smiles,
I remember,
And you, you who were my best friend, as I was yours, have all but forgotten,
And I'm sorry, I won't expect you to remember me, or think of me again, because you've found something better, something to show you our friendship was insignificant I guess,
But it still hurts, I never thought my own brother, who had earned that title from me with more than blood,
Wouldn't think to save one thought of then,
But what can I expect?
There won't ever be someone to remember little details about me so intimately,
I haven't even had someone to be interested consistantly in spending time with me,
It's not even that I'm always ignored,
I go unthought of,
And I think that's even worse

I don't even want to hold you anymore.
You did it. You Won.

I know now I am nothing to you but something to dwell on in the hidden places
A hand to hold when it's too dark to see

But I could always see
And because of that, I started to see you.

If it didn't mean anything when you traced my palms what compelled you to do it? Do you even remember the moment you suddenly cupped my cheek with your palm oh so gently and then just as quickly pulled away? My skin refuses to forget.

And after these three years of whatever this was, I give up. I can't become another story; that's all we end up being to you, stories. Even the ones who think they made it, that is all they become. I will leave, I am leaving so please spare me at least of that.

You won.

I do not not have anyone to save me

Just a kayak

Money I can only have if I go to school

And a dream

Imagine a balloon
So high up in the air all you can see is a red dot
With a string, miles long, connecting it to a golden anchor
By your feet
And you have a pair of scissors
Would you cut the string and let it fly into a mysterious oblivion
Possibly just a balloon graveyard, but maybe an adventure, where the whole sky is pink save for a few golden threads
Or reel it down and retie it on the anchor, beautiful, but static, only a slight wind to add any variation,
if there was ever even a wind at
all
Or would you cut the balloon, and take it with you, where ever you choose to go?

Good for her, she finally found a boy worth keeping
Good for him, he finally found another soul for reaping
Good for me, I'll finally get to be alone in my weeping
Good for us

I've started to draw
A self portrait,
But I'm scared to really see
How I perceive myself

The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born

When love is cause of sorrow
When today longs for many tomorrow
When seconds are a second too long
Even in silence is a song

I heard a word that stirred my soul,
My heart, lips part, words start to roll
Off of tongue, the beauty sung hurt my lungs, breathe,
I remind myself, crying I find myself, it meant to grieve,
To smile, to walk a thousand miles on hot coals,
It drains a straining heart then a second later makes it full,
It surrounds us, it confounds us, leaves us bound to one another,
It gave me what might yet save me, bound me to all my brothers,
I regret how I forget things so fast, things that came from up above,
But I just woke and finally spoke that once forgotten word,
It's already fading, please come back to me,
Love

I'm scared of missing things,
Or more, I'm scared to lose something,
Especially if I have lived my whole life with it as a fact of my being, I can't imagine it just leaving me like that,
I still hold on to my childhood, firm fingers grasping at fleeting innocence,
And joy,
When I was younger and my first sister was leaving, I told her I was going to get a golden birdcage, and keep her in there, so she couldn't leave me,
Then, just this summer, before my second sister left
Again
She reminded me of that
I had all but forgotten,
She was laughing, the expectations of joy and love and future adventures written across her face,
And I laughed with her, told her the same thing,
But I was only half joking,
And when we got home, I went into my room, curled up into a ball,
And cried,
Not cried myself to sleep,
I haven't been getting as much of that lately,
I just cried,
But I'm also scared there are things I'll never get,
No one has ever really loved me,
Known me so well they could make me smile, or break,
But always picked smile,
And I can never tell with people anyway,
I wish a poet would love me, and it would be so easy,
Because they would tell me, in their beautiful words, and I would tell them,
And we could just hold hands and smile wherever we go,
Because we know we have someone to love us, to take care of us,
But I don't know,
People aren't always honest,
And I've been sitting in this dark room for so long,
In this uncomfortable position,
But if I move now, it'll just feel sore,
And if I walk into the light now,
It'll just hurt my eyes,
And what difference would it really make anyway

I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows

I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.

tick                     *tick
             tock                    tock
The clock strikes twelve
And I delve
Into thoughts
I thought I forgot
But here they are
Gold and marred
Crying and dying for
I can save but one before
They're gone

I've always liked hiking
So if it be a mountain, your heart, something cold and desolate,
Something many have tried to climb but have failed
Something I must climb
To get to know you, see whats in your soul
Then I have one question for you
"Have you seen my hiking boots?"

A city of the dead in the middle of the living
Reality existing just outside a vision

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

It's so strange
Detached-ness
When books are more human than people
And the people you try to be human to push you away
So you just coast, people still like you, just not specifically more than anyone else
And then you realize it's kind of nice
To not be depended on
But I'm going to a play tomorow
With someone who hasn't ever pushed me away
Or brushed me off like an annoying fly
She, and my brother, they really care about me
And that's nice too
To have friends

I would like to help someone else,
Because then I might finally feel like I mattered

I am an accumulation of everything that's happened to me,
Of every smile anyone gave to me,
Of every hello a stranger said,
Of every person I was and will to be,
Of every night I slept in my mothers bed,
I am not changing, things are just adding on,
I'm growing into knowing I am not wrong,
Sure I'm a mess
But I guess
That's okay

Extrapolating from tomorrow
the sun will be in the sky
The birds and the bees
Will do as they please
For they have never asked why
Extrapolating from what's borrowed
We know this world is nigh
But they say we'll be saved
For love and His grace
No matter your faith or your crimes
Extrapolating from what was lost
It will never come back
But diffrent things
Children then wings
Will replace what it is you now lack
Extrapolating from what cost
We have paid for others
We are owed back tenfold
But don't want any gold
Just the love of our brothers

Darker here,
Erase, needs a highlight,
Round it off a bit,
Erase, more to the right,
Smear a little,
Black here, needs contrast,
Erase a little,
Don't need to go too fast,
Forgot where I put my pencil,
It was behind my ear,
For some random reason,
This feels natural, what's happening here,
Don't need to focus on who I am or why
Just gradients and contrasts, and for once, a happy sigh,
At least there's one thing I can do,
I can see things when they aren't hidden,
One of the only times I'm not so problem-ridden,
This....
This is....nice...

A man
Alone
Only comfort in sleep
Because only in sleep
Do the others come back
He dreams their lives
Their loves
Their pain
Their loss
But they aren't real
Only he is
What happens to them when he wakes up?

You told me today that yesterday you heard a mockingbird
It was outside on a tree singing its song, so you pulled out your bird whistle -that you keep in your purse for emergencies- and started to sing along
It looked down at you but kept singing and you sang with it for about thirty minutes
And then it flew away
I heard you tell her you can hear the trees, their pleas rang through your ears and cut your heart in two when the forest over yonder was cut through
And you told me to fall in love with something today, anything, you fall in love everyday
A word, a phrase, that bird, but I've been in a haze
Too entranced to notice anything except you

This palace
With its
Floors of gold,
Mirrored walls,
And
Ceilings of glass
Allow me to see
Nothing
But
What I care not for,
What I have become,
And where
I still
Need
To
Go

What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?

My eyes swirl blue and green at the edges, but from far away
They look grey
And all around the dark centers, they are guilded with gold
Just like this world I so desperately want to explore
Just like me

What is today but the day before tomorrow?
What is living but spending time we have borrowed?
What is a bird but feathered wings and a song?
What is a man but divinity and wrong?

As she was tucking him into his bed
She loosely grasped for his hand and she said
Son do you mind the blanket gran knit?
He said no I don't, I don't not one bit,
It's big and it's warm, she made it to be,
She made it for love and she made it for me
Son do you hate it when I pack your lunch?
Mommy, you're silly I love it a bunch,
I know you're busy and it's hard to do,
And the note you leave, well, reminds me of you
Son do you hate me cuz I'm not you're real mom?
I don't mind that, that it hasn't been long,
Because I love when we are together
Right now I'm new, but we'll last forever
Son do you hate having to mothers?
Mommy I wouldn't want any others
Mommies love their children, that's what they're for
And now I have two, to love me all the more

Roads divided
And hearts are blinded
By pain

For what?

Brain is pounding
Sirens are sounding
Insane

Enough?

I am still young
I could gaze at the sun
For years

what cost?

I have lost friends
But they weren't, in the end,
I tried

I lost

Why is the sky dark at night
And why can't we ever escape our own shadows
Looking in to the silver glass
I can see someone
With brown hair swooping over their right eye
and shoulders perpetually hunched as if they've never been at ease
But then I(they?) blink and they're(I'm?) gone
There are leather cages on my feet
That are supposed to protect them as I go along
But maybe if they weren't there I would learn from any misstep
instead of not feeling anything at all
And I've never liked lamps
Because all you have to do is pull a switch
And then there's light
And it feels false
Because people have to work so hard for any light in their life
And a lot of times it can only last a second before it's gone

Whatever endeavor I choose to try
Whatever a feather can make you fly
Whatever did sever the old mans head
Whatever does tether a life to dead
Whatever pulled lever can make a change
Whatever a leather for foot can't save
Whatever a word may mean to mean
Whatever a heart can seem to seem
And whether words heard can be true
That fate can control what we may do,
Whatever forever fills in the spots
Of questions, of ises, and of nots