I'm scared, I'm terrified,
I am emptiness glorified,
I used to remember who I was,
But memories fade as emptiness does
Take over, it's taking everything,
My heart, my soul, now even memory?
My mind has always been all that I had,
Not much room for love when you're inherently sad,
It drives away some, and others don't really care,
Not about me, but I guess fair is fair,
But my mind doesn't matter
Because I'm mad as a hatter,
And it doesn't work all too well,
But I hide behind it, my protective shell,
And now it's cracking, the breaks are nerve wracking,
Because of emptiness's theft,
Because once it's gone, there won't be anything left

When shadows rule
And harsh winds roar
When men are fools
And black crows soar
That is when you must go
Solitude in light will save your soul,
Know right from wrong,
Not pain and harm
Your sole enemy is conformity

If I could build another Babel,
A tower extending past the dawn,
I'd build and build til no longer able,
And all my words were gone,
All to glance at your sweet smile
To cherish as down I fall
Break my bones crashing through earth's wilds
Broken and happy and all

I'm scared of missing things,
Or more, I'm scared to lose something,
Especially if I have lived my whole life with it as a fact of my being, I can't imagine it just leaving me like that,
I still hold on to my childhood, firm fingers grasping at fleeting innocence,
And joy,
When I was younger and my first sister was leaving, I told her I was going to get a golden birdcage, and keep her in there, so she couldn't leave me,
Then, just this summer, before my second sister left
Again
She reminded me of that
I had all but forgotten,
She was laughing, the expectations of joy and love and future adventures written across her face,
And I laughed with her, told her the same thing,
But I was only half joking,
And when we got home, I went into my room, curled up into a ball,
And cried,
Not cried myself to sleep,
I haven't been getting as much of that lately,
I just cried,
But I'm also scared there are things I'll never get,
No one has ever really loved me,
Known me so well they could make me smile, or break,
But always picked smile,
And I can never tell with people anyway,
I wish a poet would love me, and it would be so easy,
Because they would tell me, in their beautiful words, and I would tell them,
And we could just hold hands and smile wherever we go,
Because we know we have someone to love us, to take care of us,
But I don't know,
People aren't always honest,
And I've been sitting in this dark room for so long,
In this uncomfortable position,
But if I move now, it'll just feel sore,
And if I walk into the light now,
It'll just hurt my eyes,
And what difference would it really make anyway

How do you measure
The depth,
The
Sincerity
Of
A smile

And how do you know
What
It
Means

It's hard to be the fourth child
I cannot meet all the precedents they have set
And I know that
But I hate the fact that it's true
And I hate that no matter how hard I may try,
I will not be a genius/writer,
I will not be a rebellious artist,
I will never be the perfect student with a musical streak who has never failed at anything in his life,
And all that I will be
Is their little sister
Who tried her hardest,
Who must've had a tendency towards masochism,
Because no one sets themself up for failure that many times in a row on purpose

Years have passed
Since I was cast
Away, to sea

Learning to float
Turn rocks into boats
What we hate to be

And I will drown
I hear sirens in sounds
But still do not see

Trying to find
What's gone from my mind
I have to let free

It's so strange
Detached-ness
When books are more human than people
And the people you try to be human to push you away
So you just coast, people still like you, just not specifically more than anyone else
And then you realize it's kind of nice
To not be depended on
But I'm going to a play tomorow
With someone who hasn't ever pushed me away
Or brushed me off like an annoying fly
She, and my brother, they really care about me
And that's nice too
To have friends

Words are hard to use
The ones that mean something are so heavy on my tongue that I can't push them out
And the ones that don't fly out like a bag of crumpled paper poured in front of an oscillating fan
But spreading crumpled paper everywhere like that
Is littering
There are some people who were born with words in their mind and rhythm besides beat beat beat in their hearts
And everytime they breathe in or out it's a miracle, something to praise
And every sound they hear is a symphony
And the words are still heavy
But they bear that weight with pride
And the pain that comes with it
She wonders why talking is hard for me
She doesn't understand the concept of a weaker tongue
Tells me to open up the vault
And I've tried before
And I'm trying now
But I think it hasn't been open in so long
It rusted shut
And I have paragraph on paragraph I want to tell anyone who will listen
I want to scream to the sky
I want to pull off of my tongue and throw as far as I can into the ocean of the past
So I can watch it sink and never worry about it again
And I think even now that I can't
Even as I am pouring the first one into these lines right here right now
But I have the rock in my hand
All that's left to do is hurl it into the sea

What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?

It's a new year
Along with a new start
2015
But isn't it strange
Now 2000 is just as far away as 2030
Where has the time gone?

There is murmuring
Completely surrounding
The vessel of my mind
Imaginary places
Occupying stationary spaces
Hiding behind my eyes
Words no one said
Envelop my head
And leave my real eyes blind
Trying to know
What I lost long ago
But the past is so hard to find

I don't even want to hold you anymore.
You did it. You Won.

I know now I am nothing to you but something to dwell on in the hidden places
A hand to hold when it's too dark to see

But I could always see
And because of that, I started to see you.

If it didn't mean anything when you traced my palms what compelled you to do it? Do you even remember the moment you suddenly cupped my cheek with your palm oh so gently and then just as quickly pulled away? My skin refuses to forget.

And after these three years of whatever this was, I give up. I can't become another story; that's all we end up being to you, stories. Even the ones who think they made it, that is all they become. I will leave, I am leaving so please spare me at least of that.

You won.

Each soul has a melody
There are words in our mind, on our tongue,
Our hearts all share man's true rhythm,
It's been beating since this world had begun,
And some will ignore
Or ask us what for,
Wonder why we believe in chance,
And they will go,
But even then they will know,
There are songs so that man may dance

Last night I wanted to go walk in the dark,
But the fear of the monsters quickened my heart,
And the promise of maybe kept me inside,
I gave in but giving in gave me no where to hide,
Because it was just as dark as I lay in my bed,
And the shadows grew taller inside my head,
The light in my heart dimmed and I chewed my thumb,
I could not face the dark, so instead I succumbed

It's only when
You almost set your house
On fire
But put out the flames
Before they get too
Big
That you realize
"****, I shouldn't have left those paper towels so close to the stove".

He rubbed the lamp
Green smoke
Poured
Out
And he coughed
And rubbed
His eyes
And when he opened them
Again
He was greeted by
"Your wish is my command,"
And he saw a boy
Barely 10
Looking expectantly
Waiting
"Well?"
And the man thought
He thought
He remembered
What he lost
His home
His job
An arm
In the war
His little boy

Then he realized what he could do
Ending hunger
World peace
Give
Everyone
A reason
To stay

He looked back
At the genie

But he didn't
Say anything
And walked away

The genie followed

And the man kept walking
And the boy kept following
And then, without a word
Spoken
The man's wish was granted
Without wishing
He wasn't alone

And maybe someday, he'll use that wish, help them all, but
Not
Yet

I've always liked being alone,
Usually preferred it,
But you know how you meet someone
And you need to be with them?
Because it's like you've found a half of yourself you didn't even know you were missing until now?
And now that you do know, you feel it
You feel that emptiness
Because being with you,
It's not hard, it doesn't exhaust me,
It's just like when I'm alone,
Except I'm also
Finally
whole

We walk in arm in arm now
Our feet dragging through the dirt
Shadows covering our ****** brows
As to past lives we avert

He woke up in a white room
Surrounded by men in white coats
Begging his momma for water
And Robin had to watch through the window
As he cried
Convulsed
And the men said no
She had to watch her son
As the doctors pulled the plug
They say heavens a better place
And I think that's true
And I think he'll be happy,
Eating Mimi's cooking,
Watching his family from up there,
But Robin,
Little bird,
How long will it be until you can fly up to your son?

She is the sky;
Not just one clear and blue, vibrant as the land beneath it on a summer day,
But also dark, cloudy, powerful and brooding when she is grey
Blue and clear is pretty, and one smiles for it's company when it shows it's face
But the beauty of a tempest is unmatched, as it cries on the earth below in all its grace
The sky gives and takes, changes consistently between its night and day

As does she, as do we all, love, steal, hurt, change.
But she deserves my love and I will never withhold because I love her through her flaws, you through your flaws.

Can I tell you a secret?


She is me. And you. My English teacher. Humanity.

Flaws are human, and human is flawed. I love her.

Hello up there
i scream
But still can't get your attention
Giants weren't meant to listen to ants
Just step on them i guess
And my tears are too little to drown in
But i am swimming in just one of yours
And i just want to help you
Please let me help you

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing

I'll make it through
Others have been through worse,
Yes, I know, it's true,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt,
But the truest steel is forged in flame,
And the truth of my heart is forged by pain,
I'll be ok ,I have to be ok,
Or else I won't know difference between night and day,
There will be nothing in my chest,
It hurts I have confessed,
But if I stop to dwell in pain it will stay,
And if it stays I know I will go away,
Husks aren't living, but I need to be,
I must keep living, or I'll never be free,
Because when you stop living, you die,
And if you won't inhale, you can't ever sigh,
And if you've never smiled, you've never really cried,
And what isn't real, no amount of faith can buy,
So I will keep living, I'll start trying, I'll stop lying,
To myself, at least, the truth will be known,
And I'll live till I die, no inbetween, No empty throne,
This is what shall be, this is all the truth I own

As she was tucking him into his bed
She loosely grasped for his hand and she said
Son do you mind the blanket gran knit?
He said no I don't, I don't not one bit,
It's big and it's warm, she made it to be,
She made it for love and she made it for me
Son do you hate it when I pack your lunch?
Mommy, you're silly I love it a bunch,
I know you're busy and it's hard to do,
And the note you leave, well, reminds me of you
Son do you hate me cuz I'm not you're real mom?
I don't mind that, that it hasn't been long,
Because I love when we are together
Right now I'm new, but we'll last forever
Son do you hate having to mothers?
Mommy I wouldn't want any others
Mommies love their children, that's what they're for
And now I have two, to love me all the more

It's funny, this world we live in,
Where toy dinosaurs are made of real dinosaur's bones,
Where even when others surround us we can feel so alone,
Where we feel we need to cover our souls,
Because somehow lead should be more appealing than gold

Each day my soul weeps a little less
Each day it goes colder
Soon, I'll be frozen

Each second it darkens
Each second is an eternity
Soon, I'll go blind

Each breath gets heavier
Each breath is a step closer
To the pit
Soon, I'll fall in

i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand

Do you ever come home like "wow I ate the entire world today this is what death feels like at least I know I'll never do it again hey look chocolate chips"?

What is the difference between the whole and an eccence
What draws the line between one's sufferings or their penance,
What makes someone lonely but not alone
Since when did the right to be happy submit to the need to atone

People have no respect
For the ones like me
We fly but cannot land
And it's so hard to see
I guess we are insects
And that's all I'll be
But they cannot stand
The fact we are free

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

If I were ever given the chance
To touch the sky with my unworthy hands,
I would put the stars back in their correct places,
Because night's jewels should be showing all your faces,
For you friends are the truest beauty
I've ever known

i write and i read
i walk and i breathe
And i will be present
For all of my eminence
But people tend to walk suddenly
In and out of other's realities
No matter how i try to prolong
There  will be a day when i am gone
But please, i have a final plea
Please, when i am gone,
Remember me

A beautiful girl,
Weeding the garden,
Covered in rags

A handsome prince,
Riding his horse on by,
Gilded with silk

He sees her
She sees him

He rides on
she goes back to work

Why is the sky dark at night
And why can't we ever escape our own shadows
Looking in to the silver glass
I can see someone
With brown hair swooping over their right eye
and shoulders perpetually hunched as if they've never been at ease
But then I(they?) blink and they're(I'm?) gone
There are leather cages on my feet
That are supposed to protect them as I go along
But maybe if they weren't there I would learn from any misstep
instead of not feeling anything at all
And I've never liked lamps
Because all you have to do is pull a switch
And then there's light
And it feels false
Because people have to work so hard for any light in their life
And a lot of times it can only last a second before it's gone

Silver falls gently on soft green grass
Millions of souls still shining although they are passed
Lighting our way when the world has gone dark
Protecting our spirits and growing our hearts

I am an accumulation of everything that's happened to me,
Of every smile anyone gave to me,
Of every hello a stranger said,
Of every person I was and will to be,
Of every night I slept in my mothers bed,
I am not changing, things are just adding on,
I'm growing into knowing I am not wrong,
Sure I'm a mess
But I guess
That's okay

The herald of the dark
Greets me once again,
With empty eyes and features stark,
And I, his only friend

I think sometimes that we are too eager as people.

All we can think about when we're little is what we'll be when we grow up and then we realize we aren't children anymore and it's devastating.

And here we are, growing up more.

They spend their whole existence trying to touch the sky
But no matter how hard they reach,
How high they grow,
They will always be stuck to one place,
Half buried in dirt
I guess that's what having roots can do to you sometimes

I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.

I've never done drugs
Never wanted to
Never smoked anything
Never drunk
never wanted to
I've never desired touch
I've never needed to be held
Why?
It makes me feel inhuman
Which scares me more than you can imagine
Imagine
That's all I do
Think
Read
Out loud and to myself
How am I supposed to feel when I have more in common with the books scattered around my bed than man, humanity, the thing I venerate above all else?

I have this pound of clay, but I've never been much of an artist,
And trying to make something beautiful alone, that's the hardest,
My fingers don't work and my eyes are too old,
My hearts forever aching and my soul has been sold,
But maybe a new vision could guide my hands a new way,
As I try to, I used to think manipulate, but you showed me work with my hunk of that clay,
But I've always been scared to ask for your help,
I've always been scared to ask for anything, so I dealed with what I was dealt,
But it doesn't really work, trying to be completely alone,
Because to everyone you're a stranger, and you'll lose what was home,
I think it's time I stopped being a vagabond in my own heart,
So please will you help me? Because I want to make someone, anyone, realize what's always been true, to see this clay as art

You want to know who I am, well sorry friend I'm not,
We should've talked so long ago, I'm sorry I forgot
You want to save me from myself, but sorry you cannot,
So just leave, just close the door and leave sorry me to rot

Darker here,
Erase, needs a highlight,
Round it off a bit,
Erase, more to the right,
Smear a little,
Black here, needs contrast,
Erase a little,
Don't need to go too fast,
Forgot where I put my pencil,
It was behind my ear,
For some random reason,
This feels natural, what's happening here,
Don't need to focus on who I am or why
Just gradients and contrasts, and for once, a happy sigh,
At least there's one thing I can do,
I can see things when they aren't hidden,
One of the only times I'm not so problem-ridden,
This....
This is....nice...

Isn't it fun
Finding out your cousin is in the hospital
That you probably won't get to see your only friends
8 hours away
Because you may be attending a funeral
For a guy you grew up with
Who's only twenty
Who may need a heart transplant
Or who may not live long enough to get his name on the list
Who you've always seen every thanksgiving, every Christmas,
Who you played football with and ate fried oysters
And you can't talk to anyone about how you wish you had at least the semblance of normality in your life
Because they'd think you're complaining about the inconvenience of your cousins funeral
Instead of what was really happening
About everything building up
And me not being able to deal with it
And me not being able to sleep at night
And me not being able to talk to anyone
Because I've never made a real friend
And the only people who have to care about me
Are fading out faster than the light in my eyes
And I don't really have much
And he has a whole life
And a girl friend
And real friends
And why couldn't it have been me?

What is today but the day before tomorrow?
What is living but spending time we have borrowed?
What is a bird but feathered wings and a song?
What is a man but divinity and wrong?

Leaning on a sliver stallion,
staring at the receding sun,
Prepared to face that ghost battalion,
That long ago has left me numb,
Each second seems to stay a year,
But flees for fright my coming fears,
And leaves me in the dark alone,
To watch and wait for what I've known
To come, to take me, they haven't yet,
But everytime I see the hint of a shadow, I'm reminded. They won't forget