The sun feels nice on my skin through the car windshield
As I sit in the grocery parking lot
And the leaves are that yellow-green and red color,
Still hanging on to the trees
And I am sick as well as alone
But I can see my mother walking towards me
And I know she will come sit beside me
And she will take me home

Whatever endeavor I choose to try
Whatever a feather can make you fly
Whatever did sever the old mans head
Whatever does tether a life to dead
Whatever pulled lever can make a change
Whatever a leather for foot can't save
Whatever a word may mean to mean
Whatever a heart can seem to seem
And whether words heard can be true
That fate can control what we may do,
Whatever forever fills in the spots
Of questions, of ises, and of nots

Isn't it fun
Finding out your cousin is in the hospital
That you probably won't get to see your only friends
8 hours away
Because you may be attending a funeral
For a guy you grew up with
Who's only twenty
Who may need a heart transplant
Or who may not live long enough to get his name on the list
Who you've always seen every thanksgiving, every Christmas,
Who you played football with and ate fried oysters
And you can't talk to anyone about how you wish you had at least the semblance of normality in your life
Because they'd think you're complaining about the inconvenience of your cousins funeral
Instead of what was really happening
About everything building up
And me not being able to deal with it
And me not being able to sleep at night
And me not being able to talk to anyone
Because I've never made a real friend
And the only people who have to care about me
Are fading out faster than the light in my eyes
And I don't really have much
And he has a whole life
And a girl friend
And real friends
And why couldn't it have been me?

As to the times and the seasons
As to men and their reason
For though things suddenly come
Whether be demons or the glorious son
We do not thrive in darkness
We were not made for the night
To us stars, angels, harken
You are the children of light

I think it's strange
How people all need eachother
We're like little love parasites
Feeding off our brothers
And I don't know why we need it
I guess our souls get hungry too
And you know, I'm kind of lonely,
And I need some love from you

If I could build another Babel,
A tower extending past the dawn,
I'd build and build til no longer able,
And all my words were gone,
All to glance at your sweet smile
To cherish as down I fall
Break my bones crashing through earth's wilds
Broken and happy and all

Why is the sky dark at night
And why can't we ever escape our own shadows
Looking in to the silver glass
I can see someone
With brown hair swooping over their right eye
and shoulders perpetually hunched as if they've never been at ease
But then I(they?) blink and they're(I'm?) gone
There are leather cages on my feet
That are supposed to protect them as I go along
But maybe if they weren't there I would learn from any misstep
instead of not feeling anything at all
And I've never liked lamps
Because all you have to do is pull a switch
And then there's light
And it feels false
Because people have to work so hard for any light in their life
And a lot of times it can only last a second before it's gone

The sun feels strange on my skin
After hiding for so long in the dark
And I think I am alone
But maybe not
I don't know
I've never really known anything
But for the first time
I think I'm ok with that
And I'm not sure what to do
Or who I am
And you are all somewhere in this world apart from me
Yet we still found our way here
Together
And I know you don't understand how my mind works
Or even know my real name
But I was never mad
Just lonely
But I think we are all lonely
And there's nothing we can really do about it
Except try to help eachother
And read eachother's words
And try to really understand
Because that's why we write
Or at least it's why I do,
So I can remind myself
That we don't have to be alone

i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand

I have lost people, people I loved,
They went to better friendships, or to somewhere above,
And I can see why they'd leave me, I mean I'm barely sane,
And what little I had lost a lot another had gained,
I guess I just never thought I'd be alone within,
But I guess how else can I atone for my sins?

You know you're growing older when there's no more comfort in sleeping in your mothers bed,
And everything is confusing and complicated and so, so loud inside your own head,
But you know you're growing stronger when you head into the dark alone and found
Yourself actually trying to find the volume button, and turn all the pounding, the screaming voices,
down

I would like to help someone else,
Because then I might finally feel like I mattered

If I were ever given the chance
To touch the sky with my unworthy hands,
I would put the stars back in their correct places,
Because night's jewels should be showing all your faces,
For you friends are the truest beauty
I've ever known

I think I need a break,
Everything here tears me down and rakes
My heart, and these wounds do not close,
I am an ant and life is a rose,
I try to climb to that sweet fragrance
But there are thorns to impale me and the other ants
Put me down, I'll never get to the soft red petals,
And right now if life were cars, I'd be in a rental,
And it's due the next day,
And I'm out of money, what could I say
Besides yeah you're right ok

We're all scared of the world so we hide in our box,
I'm terrified of all of you so I maintain my locks,
But when shadows come I wear Christmas socks,
So I guess there's still hope, I haven't forgot,
It'll be Christmas soon, and until then I'll have my socks

tick                     *tick
             tock                    tock
The clock strikes twelve
And I delve
Into thoughts
I thought I forgot
But here they are
Gold and marred
Crying and dying for
I can save but one before
They're gone

Last night I wanted to go walk in the dark,
But the fear of the monsters quickened my heart,
And the promise of maybe kept me inside,
I gave in but giving in gave me no where to hide,
Because it was just as dark as I lay in my bed,
And the shadows grew taller inside my head,
The light in my heart dimmed and I chewed my thumb,
I could not face the dark, so instead I succumbed

We walk in arm in arm now
Our feet dragging through the dirt
Shadows covering our ****** brows
As to past lives we avert

I've started to draw
A self portrait,
But I'm scared to really see
How I perceive myself

The herald of the dark
Greets me once again,
With empty eyes and features stark,
And I, his only friend

I am an accumulation of everything that's happened to me,
Of every smile anyone gave to me,
Of every hello a stranger said,
Of every person I was and will to be,
Of every night I slept in my mothers bed,
I am not changing, things are just adding on,
I'm growing into knowing I am not wrong,
Sure I'm a mess
But I guess
That's okay

I'm scared, I'm terrified,
I am emptiness glorified,
I used to remember who I was,
But memories fade as emptiness does
Take over, it's taking everything,
My heart, my soul, now even memory?
My mind has always been all that I had,
Not much room for love when you're inherently sad,
It drives away some, and others don't really care,
Not about me, but I guess fair is fair,
But my mind doesn't matter
Because I'm mad as a hatter,
And it doesn't work all too well,
But I hide behind it, my protective shell,
And now it's cracking, the breaks are nerve wracking,
Because of emptiness's theft,
Because once it's gone, there won't be anything left

When shadows rule
And harsh winds roar
When men are fools
And black crows soar
That is when you must go
Solitude in light will save your soul,
Know right from wrong,
Not pain and harm
Your sole enemy is conformity

Everyone needs someone
Because I know we all run
And we'll need somewhere to go to
Or not somewhere really, but somewho

I heard a word that stirred my soul,
My heart, lips part, words start to roll
Off of tongue, the beauty sung hurt my lungs, breathe,
I remind myself, crying I find myself, it meant to grieve,
To smile, to walk a thousand miles on hot coals,
It drains a straining heart then a second later makes it full,
It surrounds us, it confounds us, leaves us bound to one another,
It gave me what might yet save me, bound me to all my brothers,
I regret how I forget things so fast, things that came from up above,
But I just woke and finally spoke that once forgotten word,
It's already fading, please come back to me,
Love

You want to know who I am, well sorry friend I'm not,
We should've talked so long ago, I'm sorry I forgot
You want to save me from myself, but sorry you cannot,
So just leave, just close the door and leave sorry me to rot

I'll make it through
Others have been through worse,
Yes, I know, it's true,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt,
But the truest steel is forged in flame,
And the truth of my heart is forged by pain,
I'll be ok ,I have to be ok,
Or else I won't know difference between night and day,
There will be nothing in my chest,
It hurts I have confessed,
But if I stop to dwell in pain it will stay,
And if it stays I know I will go away,
Husks aren't living, but I need to be,
I must keep living, or I'll never be free,
Because when you stop living, you die,
And if you won't inhale, you can't ever sigh,
And if you've never smiled, you've never really cried,
And what isn't real, no amount of faith can buy,
So I will keep living, I'll start trying, I'll stop lying,
To myself, at least, the truth will be known,
And I'll live till I die, no inbetween, No empty throne,
This is what shall be, this is all the truth I own

Others laugh, my voice is silent,
Others dream, my minds more violent,
Others see, my eyes are clouded,
Others smile, my minds too crowded,
But others are themselves, as I should be
I could learn a lesson from them, learn to be me

It's funny, this world we live in,
Where toy dinosaurs are made of real dinosaur's bones,
Where even when others surround us we can feel so alone,
Where we feel we need to cover our souls,
Because somehow lead should be more appealing than gold

I'm walking down an empty path,
Breaking in earth as I try to last
The tears, the pain, the broken smiles,
But fear remains, though I've walked for miles,
My head pounds harder and my skin is numb,
The air is frost now, the shadows come,
The ghosts of my past have found me
Old hopes and dreams surround me,
Along with the others I had left for dead,
They wail and they scream and inside my head
The pounding gets louder, it grows and it grows,
And the shadows come closer, there's no where to go,
They're all around me now,
And they've bound me down, how
Did they find me, I thought I was gone,
Why did they bind me, it has been long
Enough for them to forget,
And the pounding gets louder still, and yet,
They are quiet as death,
Empty, staring, watching my breath,
How did they find me alone in this wood?
I guess shadows follow, as follow they should,
For without darkness there can be no light,
But these are too dark, and large in their height,
I can't see past them, to dark I succumb,
They have found me and bound me,
And now I am numb

**** everything and everyone
The school told me I couldn't start a lumberjack society because it wasn't
"Educational"
So **** them
This Thursday I'm doing it
I'm bring in pancakes and we are wearing flannel and there's nothing they can do to stop us
I just wanted this one thing,
Just one ******* thing
And if it's a stupid club
Where we wear flannel and eat pancakes
Then who are you to ******* stop me
To take this away from me
You can't
When someone needs something, they will do what ever they have to,
I need something,
And now it's this club
So just try and ******* stop me

I think I understand now,
What you're trying to say, how
You need to save yourself, please friend,
Do so, stay alive, and so will I, I'm not ready for my end,
I will continue, though as we both know,
Everything changes, as if fate intended to throw
Us, cut us down from our feet,
And while we are down, rest your soul, sleep
If that is what you need, but I,
I can't stay, every second spent is paying to writhe
On the bottom in agony,
No, I cannot sleep, there will be no rest for me,
And I don't need you to fix me, I just needed someone who could understand,
No one else can save me, it must be by my own hand,
But know this, remember it when you awaken,
No matter what happens, you are my friend, I know you are, I know I'm not mistaken,
So I will get up, no matter how hard it will be,
Suffering into the truth, I must suffer to find me,
And maybe when you wake up I'll actually have done it,
I won't be alone, and you'll smile and Make me sit
Down and tell you how I did it,
How I found home

I wish someone could show me
That I'm not alone

The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born

I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.

What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?

I have this pound of clay, but I've never been much of an artist,
And trying to make something beautiful alone, that's the hardest,
My fingers don't work and my eyes are too old,
My hearts forever aching and my soul has been sold,
But maybe a new vision could guide my hands a new way,
As I try to, I used to think manipulate, but you showed me work with my hunk of that clay,
But I've always been scared to ask for your help,
I've always been scared to ask for anything, so I dealed with what I was dealt,
But it doesn't really work, trying to be completely alone,
Because to everyone you're a stranger, and you'll lose what was home,
I think it's time I stopped being a vagabond in my own heart,
So please will you help me? Because I want to make someone, anyone, realize what's always been true, to see this clay as art

I don't know a lot of things,
I don't know why leaves should be green and skies should be blue,
I don't know what can drive a person to do some of the things that they do,
I don't get why people can't just talk about how they feel,
And I will probably never learn to determine the difference between what is fake and what's real,
But I think I've learned
One must suffer into the truth because they cannot know true happiness without pain,
Heavenly bread should never be the cost of an earthly gain,
The only person you owe anything to is you,
And you deserve to be happy, no matter sins you've committed and ones you will do,
And the one thing I know to be infallibly true,
Is no matter what I tell myself, what I say, I think I may love you
But you don't feel the same way as me
And that's okay too

Leaning on a sliver stallion,
staring at the receding sun,
Prepared to face that ghost battalion,
That long ago has left me numb,
Each second seems to stay a year,
But flees for fright my coming fears,
And leaves me in the dark alone,
To watch and wait for what I've known
To come, to take me, they haven't yet,
But everytime I see the hint of a shadow, I'm reminded. They won't forget

When love is cause of sorrow
When today longs for many tomorrow
When seconds are a second too long
Even in silence is a song

I remember everything,
Stupid jokes, laughing,
Deep conversations and knowing smiles,
I remember,
And you, you who were my best friend, as I was yours, have all but forgotten,
And I'm sorry, I won't expect you to remember me, or think of me again, because you've found something better, something to show you our friendship was insignificant I guess,
But it still hurts, I never thought my own brother, who had earned that title from me with more than blood,
Wouldn't think to save one thought of then,
But what can I expect?
There won't ever be someone to remember little details about me so intimately,
I haven't even had someone to be interested consistantly in spending time with me,
It's not even that I'm always ignored,
I go unthought of,
And I think that's even worse

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing

What is the difference between the whole and an eccence
What draws the line between one's sufferings or their penance,
What makes someone lonely but not alone
Since when did the right to be happy submit to the need to atone

Darker here,
Erase, needs a highlight,
Round it off a bit,
Erase, more to the right,
Smear a little,
Black here, needs contrast,
Erase a little,
Don't need to go too fast,
Forgot where I put my pencil,
It was behind my ear,
For some random reason,
This feels natural, what's happening here,
Don't need to focus on who I am or why
Just gradients and contrasts, and for once, a happy sigh,
At least there's one thing I can do,
I can see things when they aren't hidden,
One of the only times I'm not so problem-ridden,
This....
This is....nice...

I'm scared of missing things,
Or more, I'm scared to lose something,
Especially if I have lived my whole life with it as a fact of my being, I can't imagine it just leaving me like that,
I still hold on to my childhood, firm fingers grasping at fleeting innocence,
And joy,
When I was younger and my first sister was leaving, I told her I was going to get a golden birdcage, and keep her in there, so she couldn't leave me,
Then, just this summer, before my second sister left
Again
She reminded me of that
I had all but forgotten,
She was laughing, the expectations of joy and love and future adventures written across her face,
And I laughed with her, told her the same thing,
But I was only half joking,
And when we got home, I went into my room, curled up into a ball,
And cried,
Not cried myself to sleep,
I haven't been getting as much of that lately,
I just cried,
But I'm also scared there are things I'll never get,
No one has ever really loved me,
Known me so well they could make me smile, or break,
But always picked smile,
And I can never tell with people anyway,
I wish a poet would love me, and it would be so easy,
Because they would tell me, in their beautiful words, and I would tell them,
And we could just hold hands and smile wherever we go,
Because we know we have someone to love us, to take care of us,
But I don't know,
People aren't always honest,
And I've been sitting in this dark room for so long,
In this uncomfortable position,
But if I move now, it'll just feel sore,
And if I walk into the light now,
It'll just hurt my eyes,
And what difference would it really make anyway

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

Recently ive only been comfortable sitting in a ball hugging my legs closer to me
i even sleep like that
So Small
And in English class i saw you wanted me to read my writing out loud,
Kept asking anyone else while covertly glancing my way, seeing me shrug my shoulders up, sink into my seat and hide behind my hair,
And i know you were dissapointed in me, and i am so sorry, you're the only one who ever came close to thinking of me, you're the
only one
And im sorry i just can't do it
what if i was wrong or i confused people, or what if they looked at me and listened to what i wrote and then they weren't just looking at me they were seeing and i was wrong?
i know i was wrong, i always am
im sorry
and i know you would tell me i couldn't be wrong, and to face my fears, but at least im facing one,
ive always been facing one,
im so alone, there are people in my life but they don't know me,
i cant tell people and they can't see without my help
So ive been living out one thing that terrifies me my whole life
im completely and utterly alone
But for some reason, i don't think that would make you proud
it would make you sad
For me
And i don't know what to do
Because more than anything i want you to be proud of me,
But i can't show people me
i cant
But i also don't know if i can go on alone much longer

I loved being in love
I loved that giddy feeling I got when I talked to you
I loved the way my heart got all fluttery
I especially loved your smile
But, there are always the things that make you wonder
I didn't love the feeling I got staring at my phone for hours, waiting
I didn't love how my heart would get so heavy so fast, til I couldn't move and needed you to free me
I especially didn't love how I always felt you didn't care at all

That's why I'm using past tense
So I can get over this feeling faster
The thing I value most is freedom
But somehow you got me to chain myself
And you never meant to, I know
You never knew,
But I still need to break the chains
Because I've recently been discovering,
I deserve to be happy too

I've always liked being alone,
Usually preferred it,
But you know how you meet someone
And you need to be with them?
Because it's like you've found a half of yourself you didn't even know you were missing until now?
And now that you do know, you feel it
You feel that emptiness
Because being with you,
It's not hard, it doesn't exhaust me,
It's just like when I'm alone,
Except I'm also
Finally
whole

I know I have people who love me,
But sometimes I feel so alone,
But this wonderful thing happened,
I've been dreaming about it for years now, I've wanted it but I was for a while too scared to chase after it, scared it wouldn't amount to my day dreams,
But it's happening,
I get to make it happen,
It wouldn't seem like such a big deal to anyone else,
Just me being ridiculous,
Like always,
But sometimes you just need something good in your life,
To remind you happiness is possible,
When words cannot,
And I've needed that for a while now, and I got it,
I GOT IT,
And no one else can understand how it makes me feel,
But that's just it,
It makes me feel,
I'm happy!
It's been a while, but I'm happy,
Instead of empty,
For however long this lasts, I'm happy!