I don't know what I want,
I don't know who I am,
And I don't know why I am, for that matter,
I don't know what's going to happen,
Or what should,
But I do know,
Without a doubt,
You deserve to be happy,
And if they don't make you happy, run like hell, because that's the only way you're gonna get out

I've been told contradictions don't exist
So why in the pit of my being is there a void and a mound of lead all at the same time?

The stars in her eyes
Blind me
with their sheer will to love and to learn
To experience
To live
But the bitter reminder of the creases in her skin call to me
Mock me
"She hasn't got much time left"

A living prison, a cage of bone
A beating submission, confined, enthroned
Fettered by the weight of a breathing crown
Off centered, a bit to the left, and looking down
Never up, he's never braver
To hold the gaze of his enslaver
Who dwells above the cage he built
Killing doves  and avoiding guilt
Wrinkled, emotionless, an empty whole
The captor found not comfort, but lack of pain, in selling his own soul

Golden branches, being heard
Second chances, singing birds
Fields of flowers, holding hands
Longer hours, pale white sand
Crunchy leaves, thoughts out loud
Hearts on sleeves, silver clouds
Brighter smiles, open skies
Light for miles, starry eyes
Yesterday's tomorow, today's gone by
Shared not borrowed, the wingless fly
That's what I'd see, if dreams came true
That's where I'd be, there with you

The sorrow of the stars
Covers all of earth
Wet grass beneath my feet
Reminiscent of the golden birth
Dawn's fingers caress the sky
Her dawdling hands try to justify
Genocide with light, the world adorning
But the tears of the stars always remain
Remind
There's a reason we call it *mourning

I've always liked hiking
So if it be a mountain, your heart, something cold and desolate,
Something many have tried to climb but have failed
Something I must climb
To get to know you, see whats in your soul
Then I have one question for you
"Have you seen my hiking boots?"

I've never done drugs
Never wanted to
Never smoked anything
Never drunk
never wanted to
I've never desired touch
I've never needed to be held
Why?
It makes me feel inhuman
Which scares me more than you can imagine
Imagine
That's all I do
Think
Read
Out loud and to myself
How am I supposed to feel when I have more in common with the books scattered around my bed than man, humanity, the thing I venerate above all else?

A dull continuation of meaningless patterns is how I would currently describe my life
The Internet told me the other day that I was worth 10 goats, and my birthday is this week, but I don't give 10 goats about that
He told me all sorts of things
But he didnt mean them
I would love some variation, meet a new person, go on an adventure
Right now I'm stagnating
And I NEED
Something
Anything
to spice up
Life

Summer is great because
I get to choose
Who
I am with
Instead of being forced
To be social
And when I get to
Choose
I can choose
Myself

This palace
With its
Floors of gold,
Mirrored walls,
And
Ceilings of glass
Allow me to see
Nothing
But
What I care not for,
What I have become,
And where
I still
Need
To
Go

Driving to the bookstore.
Sky's grey-blue through tinted windows, and the clouds are just grey.
Read a book.
Driving home.
Pink clouds chase the sun away and leave a sliver of moon suspended in the dark swirls .
Stoplight.
"It looks like a toenail clipping."
Green.

If I were
A dog
I would be
The type
That runs
Away

If I were
A bird
I would be
The type
That sings
All day

But I'm
Just
A girl,
The type
That writes
To pray

My eyes swirl blue and green at the edges, but from far away
They look grey
And all around the dark centers, they are guilded with gold
Just like this world I so desperately want to explore
Just like me

I have a friend
Who believes
Love,
To love,
Is selfish
But I don't
See
What is selfish
About seeing
You with
Her
About seeing
You kiss
Her

And letting
It go

Letting go
The lies
You told
Me,
The way
You broke
Me
So that you could finally be
Happy

What is today but the day before tomorrow?
What is living but spending time we have borrowed?
What is a bird but feathered wings and a song?
What is a man but divinity and wrong?

In my dream
I drew a picture
Of you
And smiled
Because even though I messed up,
Like I always do,
You would still hang it on the fridge,
And tell me you love me,
Like you always do
Who are you?

I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows

How do you measure
The depth,
The
Sincerity
Of
A smile

And how do you know
What
It
Means

He rubbed the lamp
Green smoke
Poured
Out
And he coughed
And rubbed
His eyes
And when he opened them
Again
He was greeted by
"Your wish is my command,"
And he saw a boy
Barely 10
Looking expectantly
Waiting
"Well?"
And the man thought
He thought
He remembered
What he lost
His home
His job
An arm
In the war
His little boy

Then he realized what he could do
Ending hunger
World peace
Give
Everyone
A reason
To stay

He looked back
At the genie

But he didn't
Say anything
And walked away

The genie followed

And the man kept walking
And the boy kept following
And then, without a word
Spoken
The man's wish was granted
Without wishing
He wasn't alone

And maybe someday, he'll use that wish, help them all, but
Not
Yet

A city of the dead in the middle of the living
Reality existing just outside a vision

If you could build
A tower
That spiraled
Up
So
High
That it literally
Broke through
The sky
You would, so you could
Put her in the stars

It's only when
You almost set your house
On fire
But put out the flames
Before they get too
Big
That you realize
"****, I shouldn't have left those paper towels so close to the stove".

The repairman
Sat at the bar
Broken
Great,
now there were
two things
he couldn't fix
She was gone
His heart went with her
And only a drunken shell
Remained
His dad always told him
"If something's broke, fix it"
And his dad gave him
His first set of tools
And they built
A rocking chair together
And even though
His dad was gone
He still had
Them
And his dad's last words
To him
Were "I love you"
But she always said
"You don't love me"
And she gave him
His first child
And they built
a family together
But she was gone
And he didnt
Still have
them
And her last words
To him
Were"I don't love you"

He left the bar
drunk
And started
For home
And as he walked
He saw families
And couples
But it was
always
her
Her with another
And he hated them

No
He hated himself

He was walking
Near a bridge
A good ways
Above the water
Rocks beneath

He stopped
He was on
The edge
Of the bridge
But it wasn't
a bridge
It was a pit
And he was at
The precipice

He jumped

And the only one
Who went to his funeral
Was his corpse

A man
Alone
Only comfort in sleep
Because only in sleep
Do the others come back
He dreams their lives
Their loves
Their pain
Their loss
But they aren't real
Only he is
What happens to them when he wakes up?

A beautiful girl,
Weeding the garden,
Covered in rags

A handsome prince,
Riding his horse on by,
Gilded with silk

He sees her
She sees him

He rides on
she goes back to work

Imagine a balloon
So high up in the air all you can see is a red dot
With a string, miles long, connecting it to a golden anchor
By your feet
And you have a pair of scissors
Would you cut the string and let it fly into a mysterious oblivion
Possibly just a balloon graveyard, but maybe an adventure, where the whole sky is pink save for a few golden threads
Or reel it down and retie it on the anchor, beautiful, but static, only a slight wind to add any variation,
if there was ever even a wind at
all
Or would you cut the balloon, and take it with you, where ever you choose to go?

It's so strange
Detached-ness
When books are more human than people
And the people you try to be human to push you away
So you just coast, people still like you, just not specifically more than anyone else
And then you realize it's kind of nice
To not be depended on
But I'm going to a play tomorow
With someone who hasn't ever pushed me away
Or brushed me off like an annoying fly
She, and my brother, they really care about me
And that's nice too
To have friends

Good for her, she finally found a boy worth keeping
Good for him, he finally found another soul for reaping
Good for me, I'll finally get to be alone in my weeping
Good for us

Each day my soul weeps a little less
Each day it goes colder
Soon, I'll be frozen

Each second it darkens
Each second is an eternity
Soon, I'll go blind

Each breath gets heavier
Each breath is a step closer
To the pit
Soon, I'll fall in

I didn't used to have a favorite color
My grandma, her name was Mimi, her favorite color was green
She was a gardener, her garden always abloom with the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen
Her favorite color was green
A plant green, bright and vibrant, just like she was until fourth grade anyways
She had an infatuation with monkeys, she had monkey lamps, monkey stuffed animals
I still have the one she gave me
Two years after she gave me Leme the lemur, she died
It was a heart attack
As I looked at her at her funeral, I thought about the monkeys, I thought about her flowers, I thought about green, that shade she loved, reminded her of the plants, the flowers, reminded her of life
Ironic, her favorite color a lively green as she lay dead, the only time I saw her without a smile
I think that's when I decided green was my favorite color
It reminds me of the monkeys, of the flowers. Of the lady I love
And miss
Almost every day I see her green
It helps, almost like I still have a part of her
She gave me her green to help me
She knew I'd need it

You told me today that yesterday you heard a mockingbird
It was outside on a tree singing its song, so you pulled out your bird whistle -that you keep in your purse for emergencies- and started to sing along
It looked down at you but kept singing and you sang with it for about thirty minutes
And then it flew away
I heard you tell her you can hear the trees, their pleas rang through your ears and cut your heart in two when the forest over yonder was cut through
And you told me to fall in love with something today, anything, you fall in love everyday
A word, a phrase, that bird, but I've been in a haze
Too entranced to notice anything except you

We were reading the inferno in class today
The second ring of the seventh circle
She let out a gasp
I almost didn't hear it, could have mistaken it for a breath if my eyes hadn't glanced in her direction
Witnessed her mouth agape, her eyes wide with shock and horror as she read the description of the woods of suicide
She closed it quickly, her mouth, I mean
I took her hand and squeezed it, but I had to let go
Her mouth remained closed but her eyes flashed with pain when the people who "defiled" themselves were torn apart by the ravenous dogs
I knew what was hiding under her jeans on her upper thighs
I knew it was the child of her mind tearing itself apart
It's funny
Funny, how those cuts on her legs
Hurt me more than pain should be allowed to exist in anything
Funny, how pain we feel for those we love is unmeasurably larger than the pain we feel for ourselves
Funny.

Look at how it glistens in the morning light
It was just blown and now takes off in flight.
It catches the breezes and goes where it pleases
But sadly won't last too long
The bubble you blew
Blew your heart into
Is now
Forever
Gone

She is the sky;
Not just one clear and blue, vibrant as the land beneath it on a summer day,
But also dark, cloudy, powerful and brooding when she is grey
Blue and clear is pretty, and one smiles for it's company when it shows it's face
But the beauty of a tempest is unmatched, as it cries on the earth below in all its grace
The sky gives and takes, changes consistently between its night and day

As does she, as do we all, love, steal, hurt, change.
But she deserves my love and I will never withhold because I love her through her flaws, you through your flaws.

Can I tell you a secret?


She is me. And you. My English teacher. Humanity.

Flaws are human, and human is flawed. I love her.