What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?

I have this pound of clay, but I've never been much of an artist,
And trying to make something beautiful alone, that's the hardest,
My fingers don't work and my eyes are too old,
My hearts forever aching and my soul has been sold,
But maybe a new vision could guide my hands a new way,
As I try to, I used to think manipulate, but you showed me work with my hunk of that clay,
But I've always been scared to ask for your help,
I've always been scared to ask for anything, so I dealed with what I was dealt,
But it doesn't really work, trying to be completely alone,
Because to everyone you're a stranger, and you'll lose what was home,
I think it's time I stopped being a vagabond in my own heart,
So please will you help me? Because I want to make someone, anyone, realize what's always been true, to see this clay as art

I don't know a lot of things,
I don't know why leaves should be green and skies should be blue,
I don't know what can drive a person to do some of the things that they do,
I don't get why people can't just talk about how they feel,
And I will probably never learn to determine the difference between what is fake and what's real,
But I think I've learned
One must suffer into the truth because they cannot know true happiness without pain,
Heavenly bread should never be the cost of an earthly gain,
The only person you owe anything to is you,
And you deserve to be happy, no matter sins you've committed and ones you will do,
And the one thing I know to be infallibly true,
Is no matter what I tell myself, what I say, I think I may love you
But you don't feel the same way as me
And that's okay too

Leaning on a sliver stallion,
staring at the receding sun,
Prepared to face that ghost battalion,
That long ago has left me numb,
Each second seems to stay a year,
But flees for fright my coming fears,
And leaves me in the dark alone,
To watch and wait for what I've known
To come, to take me, they haven't yet,
But everytime I see the hint of a shadow, I'm reminded. They won't forget

When love is cause of sorrow
When today longs for many tomorrow
When seconds are a second too long
Even in silence is a song

I remember everything,
Stupid jokes, laughing,
Deep conversations and knowing smiles,
I remember,
And you, you who were my best friend, as I was yours, have all but forgotten,
And I'm sorry, I won't expect you to remember me, or think of me again, because you've found something better, something to show you our friendship was insignificant I guess,
But it still hurts, I never thought my own brother, who had earned that title from me with more than blood,
Wouldn't think to save one thought of then,
But what can I expect?
There won't ever be someone to remember little details about me so intimately,
I haven't even had someone to be interested consistantly in spending time with me,
It's not even that I'm always ignored,
I go unthought of,
And I think that's even worse

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing