What is the difference between the whole and an eccence
What draws the line between one's sufferings or their penance,
What makes someone lonely but not alone
Since when did the right to be happy submit to the need to atone

Darker here,
Erase, needs a highlight,
Round it off a bit,
Erase, more to the right,
Smear a little,
Black here, needs contrast,
Erase a little,
Don't need to go too fast,
Forgot where I put my pencil,
It was behind my ear,
For some random reason,
This feels natural, what's happening here,
Don't need to focus on who I am or why
Just gradients and contrasts, and for once, a happy sigh,
At least there's one thing I can do,
I can see things when they aren't hidden,
One of the only times I'm not so problem-ridden,
This....
This is....nice...

I'm scared of missing things,
Or more, I'm scared to lose something,
Especially if I have lived my whole life with it as a fact of my being, I can't imagine it just leaving me like that,
I still hold on to my childhood, firm fingers grasping at fleeting innocence,
And joy,
When I was younger and my first sister was leaving, I told her I was going to get a golden birdcage, and keep her in there, so she couldn't leave me,
Then, just this summer, before my second sister left
Again
She reminded me of that
I had all but forgotten,
She was laughing, the expectations of joy and love and future adventures written across her face,
And I laughed with her, told her the same thing,
But I was only half joking,
And when we got home, I went into my room, curled up into a ball,
And cried,
Not cried myself to sleep,
I haven't been getting as much of that lately,
I just cried,
But I'm also scared there are things I'll never get,
No one has ever really loved me,
Known me so well they could make me smile, or break,
But always picked smile,
And I can never tell with people anyway,
I wish a poet would love me, and it would be so easy,
Because they would tell me, in their beautiful words, and I would tell them,
And we could just hold hands and smile wherever we go,
Because we know we have someone to love us, to take care of us,
But I don't know,
People aren't always honest,
And I've been sitting in this dark room for so long,
In this uncomfortable position,
But if I move now, it'll just feel sore,
And if I walk into the light now,
It'll just hurt my eyes,
And what difference would it really make anyway

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

Recently ive only been comfortable sitting in a ball hugging my legs closer to me
i even sleep like that
So Small
And in English class i saw you wanted me to read my writing out loud,
Kept asking anyone else while covertly glancing my way, seeing me shrug my shoulders up, sink into my seat and hide behind my hair,
And i know you were dissapointed in me, and i am so sorry, you're the only one who ever came close to thinking of me, you're the
only one
And im sorry i just can't do it
what if i was wrong or i confused people, or what if they looked at me and listened to what i wrote and then they weren't just looking at me they were seeing and i was wrong?
i know i was wrong, i always am
im sorry
and i know you would tell me i couldn't be wrong, and to face my fears, but at least im facing one,
ive always been facing one,
im so alone, there are people in my life but they don't know me,
i cant tell people and they can't see without my help
So ive been living out one thing that terrifies me my whole life
im completely and utterly alone
But for some reason, i don't think that would make you proud
it would make you sad
For me
And i don't know what to do
Because more than anything i want you to be proud of me,
But i can't show people me
i cant
But i also don't know if i can go on alone much longer

I loved being in love
I loved that giddy feeling I got when I talked to you
I loved the way my heart got all fluttery
I especially loved your smile
But, there are always the things that make you wonder
I didn't love the feeling I got staring at my phone for hours, waiting
I didn't love how my heart would get so heavy so fast, til I couldn't move and needed you to free me
I especially didn't love how I always felt you didn't care at all

That's why I'm using past tense
So I can get over this feeling faster
The thing I value most is freedom
But somehow you got me to chain myself
And you never meant to, I know
You never knew,
But I still need to break the chains
Because I've recently been discovering,
I deserve to be happy too

I've always liked being alone,
Usually preferred it,
But you know how you meet someone
And you need to be with them?
Because it's like you've found a half of yourself you didn't even know you were missing until now?
And now that you do know, you feel it
You feel that emptiness
Because being with you,
It's not hard, it doesn't exhaust me,
It's just like when I'm alone,
Except I'm also
Finally
whole