You don't understand me
You don't understand
my wandering love
My desire to adore the earth
to seek all truth
all music and all humans
You don't understand me.
You never have.
Even though I thought you did.
For a split moment, I thought
maybe this was IT.
But AGAIN, I was wrong.

Because simply
You don't get it. You don't get me.

So far, in my life
Only one soul
has understood
me.

Radiant as the stars in the sky
blushing in the roses
clear as crystal – blue oceans in the mind.
Only one.
Lost to the sounds of the outside.
Lost to me in more ways than one.

But it's ok
It's alright.

Because what is meant to be
Will.

And here I go, jumping into the depths
once again.
On a new adventure
Because THAT is who I am.
And you don't get it.
And that's ok.
You don't need to.
I don't need you.

I only need me.

You don't get it.
You will never get it.
Only she will.

I am open
to hear you
and to feel you
but so closed
to those feelings
that I wanted to hold
and embrace
and touch.
I can't, for it is no
longer matter
but just memory.

And now, here,
I feel it for the first time.
Again, and again.
This time to Korea I go
and he says
I'll leave you if you go.
Not exactly
but exactly.

Just like he did with Texas
if you leave I will go.
And he did.

And now it happens again
Forever in a turbine
of ultimatum.

Delicate, you sigh.
Shaking your head
at my despair
touching the open wound
healing it with your fingertips
and I cry.

Sobbing to the tune
of your melodic gaze
minor and soft
delicately wounded.

Gone again.
Bliss.

From that moment you chose yourself
and from the moment I broke
I turned to honeyed wine
carbonated gold
sweet and sickly
rounded in glass or plastic
I turned to it
I turned away from myself
and my temple that I was guarding so well
and I let this part of me
addictive and intoxicating
take over
drive me into a sinking depression
filled with tightening pants
and hanging gut
and acne
and low and poor self-esteem
I would blame you
but in turn
I would need to blame
me
So here I am.
Prepared to throw aside the bottles
and the flasks
and everything to regain me
To regain my consciousness
and my care for my temple.

They dazzle
and dance among
the branches
bright rubies
lively viridescent
frosted blues
and sparkling white
mixed with a golden yellow
that makes the fuzz around
my vision grow

I sit there with you
we can see our breath
dragons amidst the forest
curled to each other,
arms wrapped in one other,
close and warm, hearts beating quick
you look into me again
and I look back.

There it was, my heart
stopping once again
as you gave me that warm look
in those deep, copper eyes.
How could someone look at me
like you do?
I've never felt someone probe so deeply
into my very soul.

"I don't know and I'm afraid to say"
en español, you speak

I huff, waiting for you
but you still say you're afraid

This is the moment
THAT moment
where I look around me
at the sparkling trees
and wonder
how this could even be happening...

and the words
roll off my tongue
like honey off my spoon
and I feel our bodies
sing together, truly,
for the first time.

Aching
you make me ache,

tantalizing my body
and gently caressing my mind
with the way you simply
look
into
me.

How is it
that something that I long told myself
I would never indulge in
suddenly
and I mean
suddenly
becomes something I slip into
like negligee
seeking to taunt and tease

or simply to hold your desire for one second more.
or simply to hold you
or simply to hold your heart
just simply

you look into me
not at me
but into me and around me
searching for the answer
to your burning question

Mamihlapinatapei
that's what it's called
"A wordless, yet meaningful look
between two people who both desire to initiate something,
but both are too scared to initiate themselves."

Here we are.
Speaking golden words
with no sound at all.

Falling slowly
and yet closely
plummeting
into a sea of euphoria

Aching,
you make me ache.

I sleep with my eyes open
and dream under the blankets
of my own fears
suffocated by the desires of
my unconscious mind.
Dying in increments
passing by

you
       me
it
       what
                   passes
        is
you
         what
is


this
The words, blank
filled in with gold
when shattered
standing here, unable to
understand
this brief weakening
of my consciousness
Deafening me
though I fought so
hard
to make it not so.

All that remains
are my remains
of soliloquies
sought after and
excluded from
conversation
Blanks in between blanks
Words between the lines
Empty spaces, where something belongs.

Weakened by you
what can I do

The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?