All the way to the end
It burns, burns, burns.
Crumbling, and crippling
as the ashes fall on your lap.
And you inhale with a smirk
and you exhale without gasp

I watch you take in the heated smoke
and I imagine how it passes through your lungs
gently caressing the inside of your body
just as I lay my fingertips on your back
and barely trace across you.

I try very hard not to stare at you
but it's almost impossible to keep my gaze
away from your radiant smile
and the way your mouth wraps around that cigarette

I feel almost embarrassed to be so intent
on watching such a small mannerism
but I'm overwhelmed by an intoxicating feeling,
a desire to learn every thing I can about you.

My face gets hot and I try and focus on something else
But it's so difficult not to look, so I stare at my shoes.
I feel like a child, overwhelmed and nervous
and my breath quickens
when your fingers wrap around my hand.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Laughter. Conversation. Thoughts.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
The rhythm settles and ignites
just like that lighter you click
to start over again. A new cigarette.
A fresh start. To a new song.

Though the sun has barely set,
the course for tomorrow has already begun.
I imagine you putting on your armor
to embrace the night.

Though the sun has just gone down,
the course for battle has already begun.
I imagined you fighting
to keep me away.

Though the night has fallen now,
the course for pilgrimage has already begun
I see myself crawling through the grass
searching for your armored figure.

Though it is now midnight,
and the sky is pitch black
I see your figure dancing in the moonlight
taunting me to come closer.

Though it is now past 1,
and the moonlight is bright and vivid
I see myself edge closer to you
trying to beg for mercy

For it is not battle I wish any longer
For it is not pain I wish for you, any longer
For it is not what I wanted from the start
so now I am here, at your feet, with you and your sword

And you place the blade upon my shoulder,
and you pull every so slightly,
to cut into my skin
revealing my blackened blood
which then turns red as I look into your gaze.

You mouth words to me,
that are so floral and elegant
and you say to me those words I've been
dying, to hear.

For this love, it is what I wished for
from the moment I knew who you were
For this love, it is what I hoped for
from the moment you knew who you were

And now I lay at your feet
a saint with a past
and a sinner with a future
Admittedly imperfect
Admittedly cruel
Kissing the warm earth
where you walk.

Indeed, I can't believe it
It's been almost two years
Since we broke each other's hearts.

Ah, indeed, two years ago you got down on one knee
can you believe it?
You and I?
Were to be married?
I scoff at the fact now;
promising to never trust anyone as much
like I did you.

Looking back though,
all I see was the good in us
the good in you.
It makes me smile now,
instead of weep uncontrollably.

Finally, after almost two years
I feel at peace with your disappearance.

I remember last year,
calling you,
crying,
pleading.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But now, I look at the phone and roll my eyes
whenever I have the brief thought.
Usually after way too much to drink. Usually whiskey.

I still am in shock. Two years? Impossible.
That means, almost four years ago we met. Weird, isn't it?
I wonder if you think of me with disdain,
or disgust, or sadness, or happiness.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever wish to know
how you feel of me.

The reason I write this,
well, I had a dream of you.
As usual, I write my poetry due to dreams
why not?

In my dream, I ran after you trying to talk to you
and you ran away from me, not unusual really.
You finally let me talk to you,
you invited me into your home
showed me pictures of your girlfriend (do you have one? I don't know)
showed me your success and I just smiled
I was so happy for you.
a feeling I haven't ever felt for you since we separated.

Happiness for your happiness.
Hmph, what a concept.

and when I awoke,
I realized I had finally accepted your absence.
Finally. I was free from your *******.
Free from my desire to ever be with you again.
Finally. Free. Free to be free!

I went outside of my tent (I was camping at the time of my dream)
did yoga in a field full of wildflowers
kissed the air
worshipped the warmth of the sun
and let you go.

Finally. Free. Finally.
Almost two years later.

Goodbye.

I have vivid dreams of you,
wrapped around me.
One moment you're there,
the next; gone.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
Like I do most nights.
And I talked to you
and it was so sweet hearing the honey pour from your lips
and so relieving to see a smile again.
For though I thought loneliness would be the answer
to keep you safe and sound
and to protect myself...
This is not the truth; it has only made my journey more difficult
especially now that I can only speak to you in dreams.
Only in dreams can I share with you my secrets,
my desires,
my hopes,
my fears.
For of all the people I've met in this lifetime...
You were the only one who has understood me the most.

Maybe I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever
Looking for you in every woman I meet
Maybe I'll only be able to ever speak to you in my dreams
Looking forward to those nights where I can feel free once again.

I talked to my mentor; told her what I did to you
blamed myself
blamed everything I did wrong
my stupidity
my insecurity
and all she could offer
was that I shouldn't have burned my bridge

and I sit back and look at it still smoldering
just like those glances you gave me at the airport.
Filled with pain,
anxiety
betrayal.
How dare you.

How dare I indeed...
to take such purity of heart and give it away hoping it would help
but only destroying what was most precious to me.
How dare I.

How dare I take your trust and burn it.
Never trying to hurt intentionally
but always slicing so deep...and deeper...and deeper.
Until three times was the charm
and you only meet me at night
in my vivid dreams
where we can speak
with no pain
no sadness
no concept of betrayal
just us
just us
just us
just me.
only me
awake
wanting
to
be in...
in my vivid dreams...

with
you.

You are stable,
grounded and tall.
Sinking into you,
I have no fear of failing or falling.
For I have soft grass beneath my feet
and a purple and azure sky above me.
You, are my first and foremost.
You, provide it all
You donate your love unconditionally
and you fall at my feet.
You, are all I truly need
For I am you, and you are me.
Self-Love is the only love
you can get without hesitation.
Self-Love is the only love
grounded in earth's rotation.
Day or Night
Winter or Summer
Hardship or Success
You, yourself, will always be.

It rings in my ears
as I see your pictures displayed on my screen
It rings in my heart
as I see your name displayed on that playbill
It resounds in my soul
as I feel my eyes water with tears
It feeds into my mind
as I cry over you and your return to music.

I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your name would still be on my lips
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would still be in my mind
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would be back on the stage
And yet, I see your name there and I weep for joy.

I weep because I was afraid I had ripped music
away from your life
I weep because it is not the case any longer
I weep because I know you are over me
I weep because you are happy and I am not.

I hear your song, forever imprinted
I feel your body, forever felt.
I feel your soul pushing farther and farther away
Scrambling, fighting, resisting my call...
My call for another chance, for a seventh one, for an eighth
or however many I have begged for again
and again.

I weep because I know you will never see this
I weep because your love is gone
and my heart is empty.

As empty as the ski slopes early in the morning
As empty as the theater after the show
As empty as the alleyway where we parked the car
As empty as your home when all were gone
As empty as the roads, when they were covered in snow
As empty as our beer glasses
As empty as our summer days
As empty as those hours on skype when I was asleep
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you.

Empty.
Empty.
Empathy.
Never.
Felt.

"I can't do this anymore"
I hear.
"I can't handle this."
"I'm sorry."
Empty.
Empty. Empty.

Two sugars, half and half
went to just half and half
to 2%
to skim
to soy.
No sugar.

Now I look into my cup, only seeing light from above
reflected in the steaming waters.
No sweetness or fog to cover up what I wanted truly
which was the opaque deafness of this reality.

Confused at my choices, I sip deeply
wondering whether the grounds I tasted
were karma for those actions against me.

Some people say, jokingly, that they like their coffee
black
like their soul.

Here, I wonder if I simply like it black because it IS like my soul.

Unkindness seems to reek from my pores
and my tongue is black from the words I forged.
People say it's human nature...
but my true nature, as I once believed, isn't so cruel.

And yet, here I am, cruel and deceitful.
Drinking my soul to the end.
To the last drop.

How then, can I overcome this blackness and just take my coffee
for what it is -- simply coffee?

Sip. Swallow. Think.

Forgiveness in oneself is only in the eye of the beholder
and I've done more than just to myself.
So there it is -- uncanny sobriety to the actual issues at hand.

The unfinished apologies and countless "sorry"s.
Black. Deaf. Swimming.
Around my head and through my mouth into my whole body.

The heat making me flush and fever.