I was not raised in religion,

But in feminine spirituality.

To my mother money is God.

To my mother money is power.

Second generation daddy issues

Passed down three times.

Words of wisdom repeated like psalms in a church house

"Romance without finance is a nuisance"

Three generations of divorcees.

Is this ***** power?

Taking on the burden of not selling myself short;

Financial happiness versus mental.

Feeling the guilt of sin

Having not betrayed The Creator

But rather my name, her face

Falling in love in with love

Despite its wallet.

Who wouldn’t want cheap kisses

Compared to an expensive heartache?

I hate the way you won’t leave my mind

All this time, and the nothing that you meant to me.

Maybe I loved you, maybe I never had the chance.

God, I hate the way you make me hate things

Anything I was once content with

How you made me see everything differently

How I'm more careful with living

How I guard my heart more

And how I watch what I say.

How I think everyone is a liar

How I can’t trust anyone

I hate the way you make me feel hate

And doubt.

And how you made me fear the future

And love.

I hate how I dream about you

And remember your name

And remember your smile

And your lips.

I remember every promise you made

And how you you broke all of them.

I hate how I always want to cry for you

And I never can.

I hate that I want to cry for you

And feel your skin

And hear voice.

I hate how broken I feel sometimes

And how I can never blame you.

I hate that you took my innocence

How it made me grow up

And see the world for what it truly is.

I could see myself staying for you. You make this place worth it. I can see myself waking up to you and falling sleep n your arms for as long as you let me.

I know I’m a mess. I know I have many cracks that haven’t seen- you know this too. But for some reason you still think I’m perfect. I want to show you every scar and tell you every story while you wipe every tear. While you tell me that you love me and kiss me all over.

I’ve never felt more beautiful and it makes me so afraid. But I’m no longer afraid of loves pain. Because a burn from you would still be beautiful.

I don’t know how long you will put up me and my yelling or my crying or my jealousy. But I want to change; I want to be better for you. I want to be better for myself. I lost you once I hardly knew you but those days were awful.

I feel like  I’ve known you forever and my hands were waiting to fit with yours. My lips were always longing for you. Like you were the reason my heart always felt a little empty.

Yet now I’m finally full. You feed me with love and I want to to bloom from your light.