Pain is not glamorous.

One thing I hate about poetry: people try to romanticize pain.. They try to write it up as something that it's not.

Pain isn't a bunch of nice words pieced together; pain isn't beauty.

Pain is pain -it's as simple & complicating as that.

It took one slice & I'm reeling in guilt & shame.

It doesn't hurt so good anymore; now it only hurts. Idk if that's bc this was deeper than the others or bc this one will leave a nasty scar, but regardless it hurts & I don't want the razor anymore.

Their kisses aren't smooth or romantic or poetic; there's no ******* beauty in tearing yourself apart.

PAIN IS NOT GLAMOROUS

I sit here & can't help but wish I had a "conventional" family.. Where my parents were both good people with good jobs with love in their hearts towards each other & their kids.. Where they both gave loving advice, where they both cared, where they both were "normal."

I'm sickened to admit this.. I'm ashamed to feel this. For the first time, these thoughts are rummaging through my mind & I can't help the overwhelming sadness that comes with them.

My mother has always supported us, always loved us, protected us, guided us. My dad? Nothing of the sort.

There's so much to this.. So much to write, so much to type, so much to think, & my brain hurts & my heart's heavy & right now, no matter how hard I try to get the words out, my feelings aren't flowing into words properly. It's times like these that bad things happen.

I get frustrated in not being able to convey what I'm feeling & my anxiety builds & that's when the razor hits the wrist & releases it all.

I want to sit in a corner & cry my heart out

You're coming home & I don't want to be here when you do.

I've missed you so so much, but I'd rather you 1,000 miles away than you coming home & relapsing again.

I don't know what to feel or think or do right now

My father, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

You're not the person I want you to be, you're not the person I want as my father. You are everything I thought you were & that's the most terrifying & disheartening part of this.

"I have bad energy since you came here"... Oh really, "dad"? Is that true? Well how does it feel to know that you've cursed us for the rest of our lives with YOUR "bad energy" & ****** up ways?

I love you; you will always be a part of who I am, but I will always work to **** that side of me.

I'm sorry life turned out this way.. Maybe we could have saved it long ago, but right now, I have to let you go.

Perdoname.. Forgive me, Father.

I am bursting at the seams, I am exploding with happiness.

Your voice, your presence, your words, your actions, your eyes, your hands, your love..

I have no words to describe how I feel right now except that I am utterly & irrevocably falling in love with you, & I am both afraid yet indescribably elated

I feel my heart widening, ripping open right now & it's not from pain.. For the first time it's not from pain. It's opening itself to you & letting you inside.. I am so vulnerable & I'm terrified bc yes, you make me feel alive.. You give me life, but you also have the power to bring me to my knees in agony & slay me right where I kneel.

I am confident in our love, though. You're in love with me & I'm so in love with you.

You said to me, "I hope I go down in your memory as someone who helped you live.. As you will do the same for me."  ..Before we started dating, before any of the kisses or "I love you's"..

You truly have helped me live.

I ******* love you!!

I have moments -even hours- of darkness, points at which I am at the bottom of the earth begging for release from the pain. I don't think I will stop having moments like that.. I use to think it was wrong that I broke down, I use to think that made me fake in my path towards recovery, but it's perfectly okay to not be okay sometimes. We are human. We are not built of mortar. We are meant to break at times.. & that's okay.