I don't think I've ever felt anything more disgusting than disappointment & shame.

What do you do when your pride is ripped away & stolen? You're forced to believe a lie for so long that it becomes your reality, but then you develop a mind of your own & you see just how fake this life has truly been. What once was now holds no value; I believe nothing that's said to me.

"Family first" is the biggest crock of **** I've ever heard. All anyone ever cares about is pleasing their own devilish desires.

All around me people are self-loathing, self-degrading, self-medicating

& I'm over here like, where's my ******* crutch?

Months clean without a fresh cut, so where's my release from this pain inside?

Imagine living with a family of addicts..
Pills, ***, & ****** are on the menu tonight & I'm left starving.
There's no place in this broken down house for someone like me who's kept her nose clean.

I am 1 of 8 addicts & tonight's a night that I simply can't take it anymore.
Tonight is a night where I am not proud, rather I am disgusted & almost ashamed to admit any of these facts.
Tonight's a night I cower in the public eye for fear of them noticing just who they are..just who I am.
I'm disgusted that THIS is what my family has become.. Nothing more than opiates & needles & razors & pure ******* insanity.

I am not proud tonight.
I am hurt
& disappointed.

It's starting to sink in that the years of sobriety she had have now been thrown away with just the push of one syringe.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I wish I could carry her burdens.

I'm scared to relive those 3 years of living hell again. I relive it with my brother now & to think that I'll have to worry again about where she is & what she's doing is breaking my heart.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but the devil keeps knock, knocking.

Will she answer the door once more & spiral down to blackness like before?

My heart is heavy tonight & this pain is bringing on a dark & gloomy cloud overhead.

One slice to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I'm stronger than that.. I can't fall.

Sometimes we fall.

We are not invincible, we are not without flaws.. We are human.

..But sometimes that's the problem

I'm clothed in strength, though I cower underneath it all.

I knew these days would come, but my God I don't know how to stand tall.

My legs, they struggle; my eyes, they water;
My mind, it struggles, though my heart.. My heart is bound by mortar.

I'm not defeated, I'm not out for the count, no. I'm not giving up just yet, I've got too much to amount to.

My soul hurts today.

Relapse relapse relapse
Friday night
******
Needle
Track marks

"Where was I?" was my first thought.. Did I ignore a text of help from her? Did I have a bad feeling that day that I ignored? Could I have done something to help her?

Could I have saved my sister from it this time?

I'm torn & my arms want to bleed & spill out all my sadness

Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we only stumble just a little, but find strength to reach out & pick ourselves back up.

But sometimes we fall.. Bc it is so hard to pick yourself back up when everything within you is weighing you down.

Sometimes we fall.