When I'm down & out & there's everything to cry about,
I look up to the sky & it erases my doubt.
Feeling so small, my problem's are minuscule;
this isn't some **** you'd learn back in middle school.
They don't teach you ways to come back to earth,
they don't teach you confidence or self-worth.
This is something from the heart, of the soul.
This is what we need to close this gaping hole.  
This world is our planet, it's our friend;
it's time we learn to love & begin to mend.
This world is ours, look up & you'll see
that this world is my own & it's waiting for me.

My soul hurts today.

Relapse relapse relapse
Friday night
******
Needle
Track marks

"Where was I?" was my first thought.. Did I ignore a text of help from her? Did I have a bad feeling that day that I ignored? Could I have done something to help her?

Could I have saved my sister from it this time?

I'm torn & my arms want to bleed & spill out all my sadness

A secret or two, they’re not easy to see,
a secret or two of the real me.
In my defense I’m not to blame
for these secrets of lust and secrets of shame.
Proceed with caution, don’t be misled;
the girl you currently see before your eyes is dead.
Though smiling and polite,
no one would guess what happens at night.
Dr. Jeckell, call me Mrs. Hyde;
why don’t you step right inside
to my one woman show;
these demons bring my body to an all time low.

I don't think I've ever felt anything more disgusting than disappointment & shame.

What do you do when your pride is ripped away & stolen? You're forced to believe a lie for so long that it becomes your reality, but then you develop a mind of your own & you see just how fake this life has truly been. What once was now holds no value; I believe nothing that's said to me.

"Family first" is the biggest crock of **** I've ever heard. All anyone ever cares about is pleasing their own devilish desires.

I'm trying to let go.
I'm trying to let you leave & just be -just me, no more you.
No more guilt, no more shame, no more regret.
I look at you, I'm disgusted.
I look at me, I'm disgusted.
We are one in the same.. We are one.
Though everyone tells me we aren't! Everyone tells me you look nothing like me, we share no similarities, though how can that be when I look at myself & all I see is YOU?
How can we be separate, though so closely tied at the hip -the leg, the chest, & the wrists?
How can you not define who I am, when you make up my identity? How do you not define me when your marks are left all over this skin that I'm in -this skin that once belonged to you?

I want you to let me go. Just let me leave, release me from your grip & let me just be!
Let me live, let me feel true peace without your taunting laughs!
I no longer want your presence on my body-I no longer want your kisses, though they feel so soft & smooth against my icy cold skin.

Though truth be told, I think you did leave me.. After all, no one stays in my life. Nothing permanent.. Nothing permanent besides these ******* portraits that you painted oh so devilishly across my being! These permanent ******* WOUNDS that still BURN & STING no matter how many months or years have gone by! No matter how many skin cells that have took the righteous path & decided to stitch together.  

YOU HAVE RUINED ME.

I want to believe that it's you that can't let me go, that it's you that won't let me be, but in reality I know you can survive without me.. You can carry on without me, just as all the others do. The question comes down to this:

Can I carry on without you?

You're coming home & I don't want to be here when you do.

I've missed you so so much, but I'd rather you 1,000 miles away than you coming home & relapsing again.

I don't know what to feel or think or do right now

I try to uncover what’s underneath;
I try to uncover what’s hiding beneath these sheets.
They decorate my soul, create this person who I am,
but they’re beginning to tear, tear right at the hem.
I’m not sure why I am this way,
though I constantly search each & every day.
I try to find the answers as to what I do and what I say,
though none come up each & every day.
I trace it to my childhood; the tangled roots start there;
of love & misfortune; the burden too often too heavy to bare.
I struggle with memory, as it tears a gaping hole,
Of smacks & bruises that coated your aching soul.
These visions –though conducive to my progression-
are often the reason for my rage & aggression.
Did you not love us? Were we not fair?
Did we not have perfect teeth? Did we not have perfect hair?
Were we not the model children –the ones perfect for your show?
Why did you have to break us & torture us with each & every blow?
“The drugs,” the drugs; the God ****** drugs are to blame, right?
Then why –without the drugs- do you cause me such fright!?
I want to incriminate the drugs for the abuse;
I wish I could, I wish I could, but there’s no use!
How can drugs create an entirely new monster, such an evil spawn?
The devil was always inside of you, no matter how much coke you were on!
But if you’re the devil, what does that make me?
If you’re the devil, is that what I’m meant to be?
My life is dictated by what has occurred in the past;
I leave it behind, but it never truly lasts.
How do I leave behind what has made me -created me?  
How do I let it go & expect to be?
Do I create a new person –is that what’s left to do?
But how am I supposed to be me without you?

Fingers intertwined, hearts strum together.
Feelings in our eyes, can we stay here forever?
Soft words on soft lips,
& I'm yearning for their touch.
Touch my lips, touch my cold soul;
can we stay like this,
can we share this bliss?
Warm me up, ignite the flame;
make my insides alive, make me scream out the pain.
No more hurt, no more sorrow,
as we lay here in the prospect of tomorrow.

The scar tissue that I'm wrapped in may be ugly & discouraging at times, but this scar tissue wipes away my tears when they fall, they pick up that hair brush to start the day..
They're the ones who are able to touch your face, your chest, your skin & register that they're not alone in this world.
Never more am I alone.

I know what I've come from & I know where I've been -
I don't ever plan on going back there again.
My life is my own, no one can take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance, my own destiny.
You say you got strength, let me tell you what that is;
you ever look death right in the face & say, "no, I want to live"?
Talk to me like you know what I've been through;
you'll never see it coming, let me tell you a thing or two.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never saw my tears;
you never saw the track marks, you never felt my fear.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never heard my screams;
you never saw the fresh scars when I was bursting at the seams.
Where I come from, your outside isn't what counts.
It's all about your inside -that's what it's all about.
Your spirit, your mind, your everlasting soul;
your light, your heart, it'll fill the gaping hole.
Darkness it'll destroy & eventually leave behind,
then you'll understand these words & know the reason why.
This life is my own, no one will take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance to finally break free.
... Now just watch me.

Mind expanding, thought inducing, spirit growing;
my life, my heart, my soul;
this love, this pain, this slowly reducing hole.
The wounds mend, the pain still stings,
the road to recovery, redemption, & so it begins.  
This is me, this is my time to progress.
I'm not going to die, there's still pounding in my chest.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.. I can't believe it's been 5 long, torturous years with you. If only you could see how I dream about a life when we are no longer together, when we are no longer confined to this volatile & vicious love affair. I dream of the day I leave you behind for good. If only you could let me go & release me from your death-grip.. I wish I could man up & end this hell infused joy ride, but we both know I'm not strong enough for that yet. As with all lovers, I dread the day I no longer have you to turn to.. Just another conflicted soul on what side to listen to..  Here's to another year of temptation & sin.

I can't tell the difference between it being a craving & me missing it. They feel like they're one in the same most of the time & to be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about that. When it's a part of you for so long, when it's become such a natural response/activity, how do you let go? How do you stop yourself from enjoying it? More importantly, what the **** is wrong with me to feel that way in the first place?

So... You like me.
Like... Me. ME. ACTUALLY me? Who I ACTUALLY am?

I told you my flaws, you kissed my scars.
No one's ever made me feel that beautiful.

You told me your demons, dark depths to your soul;
my heart cried, my heart bled, my heart yearned for you.

"What flaws do you think you have?" -what? What flaws do I THINK I have? You don't see? You don't see them? They're SCATTERED, they're LITTERED all over my body...
but than again you're the first man I've ever been interested in who hasn't seen me without my clothes.

Without my clothes, unclothed... You have; you've seen the most naked part to me. You've seen my skin -not the one that's tattered & lined with battle wounds, but the one that's under that. The one that's full of my words & thoughts & heart.

My God, you are beautiful.
Yes, beautiful. The word, the meaning, you don't often give to people. The title you are very particular & careful about when using... Yes. You are beautiful. You find me beautiful, you find me "charismatic, confident, and beautiful." Oh, but if only you knew how insecure & ugly I can be. If only you knew how terrified I am.

Secretly I think you do. Do you feel that way too?
I'm not sure what to feel or what to think, but these fireworks -these bright light displays- are going off in my mind & my heart. The moment we kissed, the moment you looked at me, the moment you kissed my scars -my head exploded, my heart soon followed.
You're leaving me breathless. You're giving me chills. You're making me think things I shouldn't, though they feel so good, but they get overclouded by the fear & the doubt.

You'll leave like all the others, I shouldn't get my hopes up.

But what if it's my heart that you're getting up?

BEAM ME UP.

Intertwined & engulfed.
Bodies tangled, hearts racing.
Mind spinning, lips numb.
The curve of your lips, the color in your eyes;
the touch of your body pressed softly against mine.
The words that are whispered, the tales that are told;
my heart falls for you, my feelings tenfold.
You tell me the words I secretly hope for,
but quickly vanish right out the front door.
I'm not naïve, I know it was true,
but why did I have to fall in love with you?
You were never mine & never can be,
so now I must let you go & rid you of me.
You were never mine, never mine to be;
you were only just a crush.. & you crushed me.

Those pills, those evil ******* homewreckers.
Just pop another one, I'm sure I can withstand another day, another night, of constant chatter, constant bickering, constant yelling & screaming.
A ******* war zone.

Do you realize how crazy you become?
Do you SEE the monster inside of you that is unleashed while you drift off into a state of absolute & utter DELIRIUM?
Do you HEAR that devil when he speaks his words of neurotic paranoia?
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF ANYMORE?

Can you realize just what you've done?
Can you SEE me -your daughter & your sister- as my eyes become tired & drained from sobbing over your vacant body?  
Can you HEAR me as I scream & cry out in unending agony?
CAN YOU SEE ME ANYMORE?

Look me in the eyes & tell me you love,
look me in the eyes & call me your little girl again.
Look me in the eyes & try not to lie straight to my soul again.

You are no longer who you were,
I am no longer who I was.

You are no longer my mother,
& you are no longer my brothers nor my sister.

I am no longer a part of you,
but you will always remain a part of me..
The part that's rotting & decaying within my broken & shattered heart.

Just let me go already

My bestfriend, my brother, my heart.
I don’t know how we let this get us;
I don’t know how we let this tear us apart.

The devil swept in & stole you away;
He took my life, he took my friend.
He took you down & led you astray.

This battle is long & this battle is tough;
I don’t know when or how,
But I know our faith is enough.

Another year passes & things remain tattered,
The pieces are torn & broken,
These fragments of my heart that’s shattered.

I must let you go & let you be;
I can’t stand to see you suffer;
Your choices are killing me.

Though there are words I do not say,
This distance I must keep;  
But I hope you have a blessed & happy birthday.

Please when you find your strength come back to me;
I can’t handle this pain, this void, this empty hole in my heart.
This fist shaped hole that’s rotting within me is begging for you to come back.
Please find your inner strength & save yourself… I can’t stand this empty soul you’ve become.
I love you with every inch of this heart of mine !!!!

They say home is where your heart is

Maybe this time I found home.. Maybe.
But maybe I'm an over thinker, a dreamer, a believer, a fool in lust.
Though stronger than lust, this magic fairy dust sprinkles all over my soul,
touches upon my heart.

No, I don't think I'm home yet, but I'm on the right road.

Love is all I want, love is all I need.
It's fills the void, fills the darkness that feeds.
Terrified, petrified of coming too close;
I **** 'em & then leave 'em just like a ghost.
I don't stay for supper, I don't stay the night;
I'm back in my empty bed before it turns light.
I love the games we play & the moans we make,
but it's only a temporary fix for this permanent ache.
Most days I handle it, I feel great in my post-*** daze,
but other times I break & those nights feel like days.
I know my worth, I know my self-value,
but not once have I been good enough, yet still I allow you
to take advantage, to take control;
that's the sickness that's in me; my heart the devil stole.
Love is all I want & love is all I need;
love is what will **** this demon that's inside of me.
But if love is what's essential, if love is what I need,
then why is love killing every part of me?

Our minds are what create our stress, our doubt, our fear, our anxiety, our questions. More times than I can count have I wished for silence within just so I can see & hear clearly without any preconceived notions. I want to live my life through feeling! I don't want logic or "morals" to control my way of living... I want to act based on feelings, not based on what I think or what others think. I want my heart & my emotions to drive this soul of mine. Not many people do, which is why I know certain people were placed in my life. I'm sorry if at times my cluttered mind gets the best of me & creates chaos, but I swear it's only bc this fist of blood that pounds in my chest is begging to take over.

I want a love on fire; I want passion to ignite my bones.
I want inseparable, all-consuming love; I want can't sleep, can't breathe without you love.
Toxicity.
I want toxic love; love so dangerous, forbidden fruit, the temptation of sin.
I want rebellious love; go against the odds, against the grain.
I want rough love; passionate, so passionate & tender to the touch, yet sharp as glass's edge.
I want intensity, ferocity; undying, unyielding love.
No one else but the one, no one else but each other.
I want one more hit love; one more shot, one more taste love.
I want 'I want you & only you' love,
I want no one above me, no one above you love.
I want true & honest love.
Above all else... I want you, love.

I see a world slowly dying -
Voices dying to be heard,
Stories dying to be told..

People dying to live.

& I want to save them all

I'm clothed in strength, though I cower underneath it all.

I knew these days would come, but my God I don't know how to stand tall.

My legs, they struggle; my eyes, they water;
My mind, it struggles, though my heart.. My heart is bound by mortar.

I'm not defeated, I'm not out for the count, no. I'm not giving up just yet, I've got too much to amount to.

All around me people are self-loathing, self-degrading, self-medicating

& I'm over here like, where's my ******* crutch?

Months clean without a fresh cut, so where's my release from this pain inside?

Imagine living with a family of addicts..
Pills, ***, & ****** are on the menu tonight & I'm left starving.
There's no place in this broken down house for someone like me who's kept her nose clean.

I am 1 of 8 addicts & tonight's a night that I simply can't take it anymore.
Tonight is a night where I am not proud, rather I am disgusted & almost ashamed to admit any of these facts.
Tonight's a night I cower in the public eye for fear of them noticing just who they are..just who I am.
I'm disgusted that THIS is what my family has become.. Nothing more than opiates & needles & razors & pure ******* insanity.

I am not proud tonight.
I am hurt
& disappointed.

I will never understand your reasoning or your logic. You claim we're alike, but oh my friend, we are worlds apart. I for one could never comprehend how you can call someone stupid & dumb & *******, especially when they're your own flesh & blood. Excuse me if I can't accept and defend your ****** up way of thinking like the rest of them, but I will not lay down & let you spew your venom to me any longer. You are wrong.. You've been wrong for the past 30 years & until you change your attitude, which you most likely never will, you're not welcome in this heart of mine.

Another night of chaos,
another night of bad decisions.

One more slice across my wrist,
one more mark to try & hide.

Another image of blood-stained skin,
another cut, another scar, another sin.

One more taste, one more lick before I end;
one more visit from my dear old friend.

My body's littered with tales that show my soul;
they scream it, they shout it, tales from this gaping hole
in my chest;
these sins I confess.
My dark mind, my old ways;
my crowded thoughts, my vacant gaze.

I'm falling & slipping, no longer who I use to be.
My broken fragments, just pieces of the past me.

I lose myself somewhere between the blood & the knife,
somewhere in between this pain & this strife.

I need a way out, away from the dishevel;
I need a way out, a way out of this dance with the devil.

This pain makes me want to slice open a vein & bleed free.

I cannot stand your demon seduced lies or your drug induced vacant eyes.
I cannot stand the devil beside you or the demon inside you.

This pain makes me want to slice open a vein & bleed free.

My fresh wound burns & stings with each flick of the wrist,
with each twist of the hand,
with each reminder of the razor's sharp kiss.

My mind is racing with guilt & shame & remorse;
I wish I could take it back;
I fear this has set me off course.

I don't want to think of it anymore, I don't want to write about it, I don't want to see it.
Bandage it up & let it stitch itself together - I'm done.

My sweet love,

My dearest love, how I wish I could repair what has been broken inside of you..
How I wish I could have saved you from all the hurt of your past..
How I wish I could save you from the haunting demons that still stalk you.

I wish I could save you, my love, but contrary to what you may call me, I'm no wonder woman.

Distance between us, lustful tension rising, & all these words left unspoken.
Mind racing, heart jumping, & I don't think we'll need words at all.
Your hands on your lap suddenly seem too large & I instantly wonder..
What would they feel like around my waist, around my wrists, around my throat;
up my thigh, up my spine, pulling down my hair.
Your hands..
on my neck, on my cheek, over my mouth;
grabbing me, smacking me, ******* me.
Your hands..
Make me blush & tingle in places you've yet to see.
My sweet lover, don't kiss me;
make me bite my lip.

Talk to me of *** & lust,
gain my attention, but not my trust.
Speak to me with words of lust,
gain my attention, but not my love.
Talk to me of words & soul,
gained my attention, my heart you stole.
Speak to me with words from above,
gain my attention, & all of my love.

Pain is not glamorous.

One thing I hate about poetry: people try to romanticize pain.. They try to write it up as something that it's not.

Pain isn't a bunch of nice words pieced together; pain isn't beauty.

Pain is pain -it's as simple & complicating as that.

I am the captain of this ship,
I am the savior of this soul.

I am the driver behind this machine,
I am the hands behind this wheel

& all I want to do right now is steer it into a ******* brick wall

I'm going crazy, spazztic, psychotic, insane,
trying to calm these thoughts, these thoughts to tame.
Tell me how it's okay, tell me how it's alright
to dig a ******* needle in your arm, to rid yourself of light.  
This darkness, black as soot,
rots your core.

I can't even concentrate, I lose my train of thought. It trails off somewhere into the night, in a different direction, different path, anywhere else from here inside my head because let's face it, who would want to be here anyway?

I'm trying to understand why my life is the way it is, but have you ever gotten to the point where you're so completely stuck on one problem on that test that you skip it & move on to another problem? You're about ready to pull your hair out because you're rattling your brain trying to find the answer, so you just leave it blank & try the next one? Well what's the equivalent to this life? Where's the skip button, where's the "I can't do this anymore otherwise I'm going to put a bullet through my brain" button? I've been desperately trying to skip onto the next portion of this test, but I can't seem to ******* find the next page. I turn it over & it's one of those ******* essay questions where you're suppose to answer some ridiculous riddle. I'm starting to panic because I realize I've never been good with riddles & I fear what will happen if I can't figure this out. What will happen if I never find the answer to this riddle or the one before it?

I've never failed a test in my life, but there's a first time for everything.

Momentary fits of numbness & insanity;
I didn’t chose this state of mind, it was placed upon me.
Why was I given this life, this heart, this mind;
Why was I given this hell, these burdens that aren’t mine!
My heart gets heavy, my eyes slide shut,
The feeling begins; I wish it was easy not to cut.
Just the thought of releasing my pains
Sends adrenaline surging through my veins.
To cut open my wrist, to see the blood spout;
I don’t know why, but sometimes it’s my only way out.
I fight it off, the razors & scissors fly across the room,
But sometimes I wish I was 6 ft under my tomb.
My pain becomes too heavy to bare,
That not even the idea of love is a care.
Take my pain away from me; take it all,
But no one else could carry this; I don’t know how I stand tall.

My mind is numb, my body is numb, my words slur together.
No intoxication of the beverage kind -one that's much more dangerous.
Intoxication of my mind & the demons that play hide & seek within.
This energy surging through my veins is enough to send me over the edge;
pull open the drawer, pick up the metal, & slice it across one wrist.

My mind is numb, yet my veins are buzzing with anticipation.

Should I feed the demon or let it starve another day longer?

City life, streets alive,
You & me, by our sides.
Walking, talking,
Hand in hand,
Taking in the city's land.
Laughing, smiling; no one better
to be with, to love with in this weather.
You are mine & I am yours,
Perfect, beauty with no cause.
Automatic, natural, the way you are.
Shining, lighting me up like a star.
Ignite my soul, I surrender & fall
into your arms & give you my all.
One day.
I long for this, I long for you;
I long for the day when we can be true.
Until that day when we are one,
Just know that you are the one I love.

I feel weak because of you & I'm trying to understand if that's a good or bad thing.
I love you -truly & fully.
I love your mind, your spirit, your soul.
My soul feels yours, my soul loves yours.
It's because of this that I feel so weakened;
you have this power over me, you have this advantage.
You have my heart to do whatever you please with it.
I am vulnerable at best & though I trust you, I do not trust myself.
I tend to put myself in harmful & dangerous situations, such as the one we're placed in.
I trust your words & I trust your 'I love you,' but it's terrifying.
I want you to be mine & the worst part is that you love me too, yet we can't be right now.
Am I "wasting" my time?
Am I letting myself fall for you for no reason?
My heart hurts because of this, because of you, yet you make it light as a feather.
You make me fly, & my God I want so badly to be able to soar this beautiful sky with you.
I love you & I'll be ****** if that's not enough, for what else do I have to offer?
I have nothing.. Nothing except this red, unyielding heartbeat that's bleeding with only love & protection.
That's all I have to offer you, but in my world -in our world, I believe- that would always be enough.

It's rare that I have moments of positive self-reflection, but I've recently realized just how much I've grown since this journey has begun. It's been a rough few years; I've felt agonizing pain of the heart & soul, but those moments have molded me into the person I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm uniquely me -someone with a heart as grand & as deep as the sea. My life has been scarred, but my soul has been cleaned; forgiveness has been given & now I'm set free. I'll make a difference in this world, I know. "How?" By giving love unconditionally. Without love, this world ceases to be. My heart may be beaten & bruised, but it's still knock, knock, knocking in my chest & it's begging to be heard; my heart is not my own, though it resides within me. My heart is not my own, it is for all of you to see. This is who I was meant to be.

I want to open my mouth & scream,

I can't take this hurt inside of me.

I want to cut open a vein & bleed free,

I can't take this pain inside of me.

When it was me & you standing shoulder to shoulder, I knew.
It was just us two, going at it together, no matter the weather.
Soon enough the nights were long, the fights were tough;
The egos came up, I couldn't see what
I had in front of me. How could we let this be?
Baby, you mean the world to me; I can hardly breathe when you're not close to me.
Baby, talk to me, all could be -just as it once was,
But we gotta drop the walls, you're the only one I love.
Pick the pieces up, put them back intact;
You're the only one for me, this ain't no selfish act.
We were Bonnie& Cylde, I'm still down to take the ride.
**** the world, baby, if you ain't by my side.
No matter how hard, no matter the stride,
No matter how many tears we may cry,
We got each other, baby, til' the day that we die.
I know we ain't perfect, I know it's not alright, but ..
If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

The scars fade & I feel the need to replenish them.

It's like a constant nagging at the back of my head;
'One more slit, one more slice. One more cut before you say goodnight.'

Anger brings it back, sadness makes it stay.
I thought this chapter of my life was over, but it's harder each day.

My soul cries as my wrists ache;
my heart dies with each cut I make.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to pick up a razor without thinking of slicing open my skin.

I wonder when this dance with the devil will ******* end.

I'm strong bc I've been weak. I'm brave bc I've been scared & lived in fear. I know what it's like at the bottom of the well, I know what it's like to feel your heart shatter into tiny fragments.. How do you mend it together again? I've lost some pieces along the way..I've lost parts of me through the years, every time I hear the words "I can't go on," every time I see the tears fall & crash around me, every time I witness people in pain -pain & torture of the soul & mind. Nothing can fix that.. Nothing can give me back the old pieces of me that use to be. Nothing can mend this breaking heart of mine except love. I have nothing to offer, & these parts may be broken & these pieces may be scattered, but in each fragment of my beaten heart, I have undying love & hope & faith that I am offering to any & everyone who needs it bc my God I know what it's like to have a poor soul. I struggle every day, & some days & some nights are worse than others, some of them ******* burn through my veins worse than others, but I will always know happiness bc I have known utter despair & I have walked through the flames of this internal hell. Love is the answer... Love is ALWAYS the answer & we all need to know that we're not in this world alone.

...
I haven't cut much at all since that day,
mostly because I know that there's another way.

I never intended for the cuts to be permanent.
I wasn't trying to die, that's not what I meant.

I used to cut to deal with the memories that always came,
but now they arrive less often & bring less pain.

These marks on my arms I will always hate,
because now I realize what's at stake.

I now have happiness & joy that I can lose,
& my future all depends on what I choose.

My scars hadn't affected me the way they do now.
To live without cutting, I didn't know how.

I didn't know how to experience joy
because all I knew how to do was destroy.

No matter what happens I know I will survive,
even though my scars will always show the suffering I've endured since I was five.

At least now I actually have some closure
& I can finally start to get this over.

Now I know the identity of the man I can blame,
but I know I will survive: No Pity, No Silence, No Shame.

The mess I call me, the broken fragments that begin to mend like a medley;
Not perfect, not petite; sometimes happy, sometimes in need.
My thoughts consume & cloud my eyes,
Though sometimes I can see clearly through my own disguise.
My days are bright, though my days seem never ending;
My nights get dark, sometimes too dark to feel God’s mending.
My eyes sparkle; sometimes with light, sometimes with tears,
But my eyes are full of love –just don’t let the Devil near.
My world gets hectic, some days it’s hard to see,
But I was made to be loved & to be imperfectly me.

All my life I've been told "Family First,"
"forever & always" I told myself,
no longer a blessing, I'm starting to feel like I'm cursed.
Tell me I'm a baby, I should leave it to the big kids;
tell me, Dad, did it hurt
when you saw us grow up the way that you did?
Broken, hopeless, & running nowhere.
You scarred us for life,
****** our future, but you're not even aware.

I don't know what it is, why I feel this way, but I have this unwavering sense that we could save each other.

It sounds fictional, irrational, possibly even impossible, but I know what I feel.

I can feel your pain -I can feel the aches & tremors  that reverberate  within your chest, throughout your heart. It's like I feel that paralyzing pain that you go through..I know bc I go through it too. Different circumstances, but pain is pain, & I desperately wish with everything I have, with everything I am, to save you from it. I don't know how, but if there was a way, I'd find it. I'd do everything in my power to ease & dull the throbbing pain within you.

I can only hope that you'd love me enough to do the same.

The people who mean the most to me are no longer the people who they use to be. Some days are easier than others when trying to deal with this fact. Some days the pain subsides & I'm able to put those haunting thoughts away, but then there are those days..these nights..when the pain feels as though it's tearing through my chest.. As if its death grip is grabbing a hold of my heart & squeezing the life right out of it.

My life is a mixed up mess of what once was & what is yet to be, & this struggle is taking its toll on me right now.

I ******* hate this disease more than anything in this world

It's starting to sink in that the years of sobriety she had have now been thrown away with just the push of one syringe.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I wish I could carry her burdens.

I'm scared to relive those 3 years of living hell again. I relive it with my brother now & to think that I'll have to worry again about where she is & what she's doing is breaking my heart.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but the devil keeps knock, knocking.

Will she answer the door once more & spiral down to blackness like before?

My heart is heavy tonight & this pain is bringing on a dark & gloomy cloud overhead.

One slice to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I'm stronger than that.. I can't fall.

My father, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

You're not the person I want you to be, you're not the person I want as my father. You are everything I thought you were & that's the most terrifying & disheartening part of this.

"I have bad energy since you came here"... Oh really, "dad"? Is that true? Well how does it feel to know that you've cursed us for the rest of our lives with YOUR "bad energy" & ****** up ways?

I love you; you will always be a part of who I am, but I will always work to **** that side of me.

I'm sorry life turned out this way.. Maybe we could have saved it long ago, but right now, I have to let you go.

Perdoname.. Forgive me, Father.