All my life I've been told "Family First,"
"forever & always" I told myself,
no longer a blessing, I'm starting to feel like I'm cursed.
Tell me I'm a baby, I should leave it to the big kids;
tell me, Dad, did it hurt
when you saw us grow up the way that you did?
Broken, hopeless, & running nowhere.
You scarred us for life,
****** our future, but you're not even aware.

I try to uncover what’s underneath;
I try to uncover what’s hiding beneath these sheets.
They decorate my soul, create this person who I am,
but they’re beginning to tear, tear right at the hem.
I’m not sure why I am this way,
though I constantly search each & every day.
I try to find the answers as to what I do and what I say,
though none come up each & every day.
I trace it to my childhood; the tangled roots start there;
of love & misfortune; the burden too often too heavy to bare.
I struggle with memory, as it tears a gaping hole,
Of smacks & bruises that coated your aching soul.
These visions –though conducive to my progression-
are often the reason for my rage & aggression.
Did you not love us? Were we not fair?
Did we not have perfect teeth? Did we not have perfect hair?
Were we not the model children –the ones perfect for your show?
Why did you have to break us & torture us with each & every blow?
“The drugs,” the drugs; the God ****** drugs are to blame, right?
Then why –without the drugs- do you cause me such fright!?
I want to incriminate the drugs for the abuse;
I wish I could, I wish I could, but there’s no use!
How can drugs create an entirely new monster, such an evil spawn?
The devil was always inside of you, no matter how much coke you were on!
But if you’re the devil, what does that make me?
If you’re the devil, is that what I’m meant to be?
My life is dictated by what has occurred in the past;
I leave it behind, but it never truly lasts.
How do I leave behind what has made me -created me?  
How do I let it go & expect to be?
Do I create a new person –is that what’s left to do?
But how am I supposed to be me without you?

I am the captain of this ship,
I am the savior of this soul.

I am the driver behind this machine,
I am the hands behind this wheel

& all I want to do right now is steer it into a ******* brick wall

My mind is numb, my body is numb, my words slur together.
No intoxication of the beverage kind -one that's much more dangerous.
Intoxication of my mind & the demons that play hide & seek within.
This energy surging through my veins is enough to send me over the edge;
pull open the drawer, pick up the metal, & slice it across one wrist.

My mind is numb, yet my veins are buzzing with anticipation.

Should I feed the demon or let it starve another day longer?

A secret or two, they’re not easy to see,
a secret or two of the real me.
In my defense I’m not to blame
for these secrets of lust and secrets of shame.
Proceed with caution, don’t be misled;
the girl you currently see before your eyes is dead.
Though smiling and polite,
no one would guess what happens at night.
Dr. Jeckell, call me Mrs. Hyde;
why don’t you step right inside
to my one woman show;
these demons bring my body to an all time low.

They say home is where your heart is

Maybe this time I found home.. Maybe.
But maybe I'm an over thinker, a dreamer, a believer, a fool in lust.
Though stronger than lust, this magic fairy dust sprinkles all over my soul,
touches upon my heart.

No, I don't think I'm home yet, but I'm on the right road.

I'm trying to let go.
I'm trying to let you leave & just be -just me, no more you.
No more guilt, no more shame, no more regret.
I look at you, I'm disgusted.
I look at me, I'm disgusted.
We are one in the same.. We are one.
Though everyone tells me we aren't! Everyone tells me you look nothing like me, we share no similarities, though how can that be when I look at myself & all I see is YOU?
How can we be separate, though so closely tied at the hip -the leg, the chest, & the wrists?
How can you not define who I am, when you make up my identity? How do you not define me when your marks are left all over this skin that I'm in -this skin that once belonged to you?

I want you to let me go. Just let me leave, release me from your grip & let me just be!
Let me live, let me feel true peace without your taunting laughs!
I no longer want your presence on my body-I no longer want your kisses, though they feel so soft & smooth against my icy cold skin.

Though truth be told, I think you did leave me.. After all, no one stays in my life. Nothing permanent.. Nothing permanent besides these ******* portraits that you painted oh so devilishly across my being! These permanent ******* WOUNDS that still BURN & STING no matter how many months or years have gone by! No matter how many skin cells that have took the righteous path & decided to stitch together.  

YOU HAVE RUINED ME.

I want to believe that it's you that can't let me go, that it's you that won't let me be, but in reality I know you can survive without me.. You can carry on without me, just as all the others do. The question comes down to this:

Can I carry on without you?