I know what I've come from & I know where I've been -
I don't ever plan on going back there again.
My life is my own, no one can take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance, my own destiny.
You say you got strength, let me tell you what that is;
you ever look death right in the face & say, "no, I want to live"?
Talk to me like you know what I've been through;
you'll never see it coming, let me tell you a thing or two.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never saw my tears;
you never saw the track marks, you never felt my fear.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never heard my screams;
you never saw the fresh scars when I was bursting at the seams.
Where I come from, your outside isn't what counts.
It's all about your inside -that's what it's all about.
Your spirit, your mind, your everlasting soul;
your light, your heart, it'll fill the gaping hole.
Darkness it'll destroy & eventually leave behind,
then you'll understand these words & know the reason why.
This life is my own, no one will take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance to finally break free.
... Now just watch me.

Those pills, those evil ******* homewreckers.
Just pop another one, I'm sure I can withstand another day, another night, of constant chatter, constant bickering, constant yelling & screaming.
A ******* war zone.

Do you realize how crazy you become?
Do you SEE the monster inside of you that is unleashed while you drift off into a state of absolute & utter DELIRIUM?
Do you HEAR that devil when he speaks his words of neurotic paranoia?
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF ANYMORE?

Can you realize just what you've done?
Can you SEE me -your daughter & your sister- as my eyes become tired & drained from sobbing over your vacant body?  
Can you HEAR me as I scream & cry out in unending agony?
CAN YOU SEE ME ANYMORE?

Look me in the eyes & tell me you love,
look me in the eyes & call me your little girl again.
Look me in the eyes & try not to lie straight to my soul again.

You are no longer who you were,
I am no longer who I was.

You are no longer my mother,
& you are no longer my brothers nor my sister.

I am no longer a part of you,
but you will always remain a part of me..
The part that's rotting & decaying within my broken & shattered heart.

Just let me go already

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.. I can't believe it's been 5 long, torturous years with you. If only you could see how I dream about a life when we are no longer together, when we are no longer confined to this volatile & vicious love affair. I dream of the day I leave you behind for good. If only you could let me go & release me from your death-grip.. I wish I could man up & end this hell infused joy ride, but we both know I'm not strong enough for that yet. As with all lovers, I dread the day I no longer have you to turn to.. Just another conflicted soul on what side to listen to..  Here's to another year of temptation & sin.

I don't know what it is, why I feel this way, but I have this unwavering sense that we could save each other.

It sounds fictional, irrational, possibly even impossible, but I know what I feel.

I can feel your pain -I can feel the aches & tremors  that reverberate  within your chest, throughout your heart. It's like I feel that paralyzing pain that you go through..I know bc I go through it too. Different circumstances, but pain is pain, & I desperately wish with everything I have, with everything I am, to save you from it. I don't know how, but if there was a way, I'd find it. I'd do everything in my power to ease & dull the throbbing pain within you.

I can only hope that you'd love me enough to do the same.

I'm going crazy, spazztic, psychotic, insane,
trying to calm these thoughts, these thoughts to tame.
Tell me how it's okay, tell me how it's alright
to dig a ******* needle in your arm, to rid yourself of light.  
This darkness, black as soot,
rots your core.

I can't even concentrate, I lose my train of thought. It trails off somewhere into the night, in a different direction, different path, anywhere else from here inside my head because let's face it, who would want to be here anyway?

I'm trying to understand why my life is the way it is, but have you ever gotten to the point where you're so completely stuck on one problem on that test that you skip it & move on to another problem? You're about ready to pull your hair out because you're rattling your brain trying to find the answer, so you just leave it blank & try the next one? Well what's the equivalent to this life? Where's the skip button, where's the "I can't do this anymore otherwise I'm going to put a bullet through my brain" button? I've been desperately trying to skip onto the next portion of this test, but I can't seem to ******* find the next page. I turn it over & it's one of those ******* essay questions where you're suppose to answer some ridiculous riddle. I'm starting to panic because I realize I've never been good with riddles & I fear what will happen if I can't figure this out. What will happen if I never find the answer to this riddle or the one before it?

I've never failed a test in my life, but there's a first time for everything.

Love is all I want, love is all I need.
It's fills the void, fills the darkness that feeds.
Terrified, petrified of coming too close;
I **** 'em & then leave 'em just like a ghost.
I don't stay for supper, I don't stay the night;
I'm back in my empty bed before it turns light.
I love the games we play & the moans we make,
but it's only a temporary fix for this permanent ache.
Most days I handle it, I feel great in my post-*** daze,
but other times I break & those nights feel like days.
I know my worth, I know my self-value,
but not once have I been good enough, yet still I allow you
to take advantage, to take control;
that's the sickness that's in me; my heart the devil stole.
Love is all I want & love is all I need;
love is what will **** this demon that's inside of me.
But if love is what's essential, if love is what I need,
then why is love killing every part of me?

Another night of chaos,
another night of bad decisions.

One more slice across my wrist,
one more mark to try & hide.

Another image of blood-stained skin,
another cut, another scar, another sin.

One more taste, one more lick before I end;
one more visit from my dear old friend.

My body's littered with tales that show my soul;
they scream it, they shout it, tales from this gaping hole
in my chest;
these sins I confess.
My dark mind, my old ways;
my crowded thoughts, my vacant gaze.

I'm falling & slipping, no longer who I use to be.
My broken fragments, just pieces of the past me.

I lose myself somewhere between the blood & the knife,
somewhere in between this pain & this strife.

I need a way out, away from the dishevel;
I need a way out, a way out of this dance with the devil.