It's been five minutes since I asked the question.

Now six.

Now seven.

At eight he murmured "sorry."
I suspected he'd say that much, but sorry doesn't really answer my question.
Sorry doesn't give me back my time. Sorry doesn't unsay all our words.
Sorry can't take back the months I wasted pretending it was real.

At ten I whisper "I'm sorry too." hoping he wouldn't hear.

At thirteen he asks "For what?" and those minutes felt like years.

How can I explain it? The faking of the tears, the praying to a God I'm not sure is even there, the hoping that love would figure its way out.
"You are broken" the last one told me just before he left. Telling me I couldn't love and he wished we'd never met. I asked him if he ever loved me, not sure what I expected him to do. Telling me he did wouldn't change a thing, but telling me he didn't would make even my dead heart sting.


"I'm not sure I believe in love." Twenty two.

My grandma died in '97.
She died at home while I was eating a brownie.
A brownie my aunt pulled out of the oven.
It burnt the roof of my mouth.
I went to tell her and she was gone.
I was 6.
She was gone.
She looked so beautifully tragic.
With the hint of a smile on her face,
and wisps of hair that framed her face
you would of thought she planned it.
Like a well thought out suicide.
I'm 22.
I still use her recipe.
I want to tell her that they are perfect
She is gone.
I burn the roof of my mouth every time.

It felt wrong.
The kind of wrong my mama warned me about.
She would sip her black coffee, look over her glasses and tell me
she would tell me what was right and what was wrong.

I think I forgot for awhile.
I forgot long enough to do some things wrong.

It felt wrong, but worth it.
So worth it.
Worth the changes I don't seem to mind

I don't mind my trembling hands
or the way I can't focus  
the way I flash back to that night
where the sky was deep purple
where the crisp breeze of winter was beginning to roll in
I flash back to the cloud of smoke rising from my lips
I flash back later to your hands on my hips and the pain.
the pain that was so unfamiliar yet so welcomed.

I think I understand the way a leaf feels
its beautiful at birth when everything's new
it grows and becomes normal
its just another day on earth
then the world changes it
color and all until nothing's the same
and it's insides feel small
then the wind shakes it just a small gust will do
and its on the ground then under a shoe
no one notices the single leaf that fell
except for the ones around it

I was beautiful and new
everyone loved me and I could love too
but then the world changed my view of most things
my heart closed up
I lost my wings
so when the wind shook me
and tried to make me fall
I resisted and tried but my strength was so small
still I fall and I fall
I am trampled over by the shoe on his foot
making me wonder am I dumber than I look
to believe that the wind would cease to blow
when strength is something my heart doesn't know

There is a special time of year
when nothing is new
it comes once a year. All in all
I've never been more fond of any season but fall

You want to know what I want?
I want to wear socks to bed.
I want to wear socks to bed and pretend that I'm in love with you.

You're making this too hard.
You're making this too hard even with my lack of emotions and your lack of anything I need.  
But, I am finding myself jolted awake in the middle of the night with my socks kicked off.
My socks are kicked off with my bare feet absorbing the warmth of yours.
I have a sinking feeling that I am no longer pretending.
This is not what I wanted.

Beautiful girl, smile because you are beautiful
Beautiful boy, make me smile
Beautiful girl, hold my hand
Beautiful boy, hold me close
Beautiful girl, let me protect you
Beautiful boy, protect me
Beautiful girl, look me in the eyes
Beautiful boy, tell me everything
Beautiful girl, feel free to leave
Beautiful boy, feel like you never want to leave
Beautiful girl, cry to me
Beautiful boy, cry to me
Beautiful girl, lie to me when it helps the situation
Beautiful boy, always tell me the truth
Beautiful girl, never be afraid of me
Beautiful boy, always be afraid of me
Beautiful girl, love me when your ready
Beautiful boy, love me as much as you can
Beautiful girl, kiss me when you want
Beautiful boy, take me when you want
Beautiful girl, let me be a man
Beautiful boy, let me be a woman