I am the star of small groups,
Intimate meetings, close friends,
Personal conversations,
Old, private jokes- they are my thing,
Talking to someone i barely know
Seated at a far corner of a noisy table,
Is something I just can't do,
A "remember when..." gets more out of me
Than a "what's up",
So, in a crowd, I may be the "quiet" type,
But at a table of four, I am full of life,
I can become the life of that table,
I'm that type,
The in/ex-trovert,
That's me, what about you?

I reached out to you
And you smiled
You offered your support
I just needed a boost
Dad, don't help me stand
"You can't stand on your own"
I turned around
And there!
I was standing
All by myself!
A soft pull on the back on my overall
A feeling of betrayal
Dad, I said don't help me stand
As though he heard me
He let go
And I fell.

Exceptional memory

01:52 am
have you ever asked yourself like why you so lonely?*

01:53 am
or empty?

that maybe you give too much of your essence to people and never leave any of you for yourself

01:55 am
i know i do

02:05 am
and like that's maybe why i get so attached to humans

because in them,
i find myself

02:07 am
i need to change, because things shouldn't be this way

02:10 am
but it's hard sometimes you know, when most days you don't leave the house because you feel unworthy of the space you take up

02:16 am
so you'd much rather disintegrate into soil because you've become all too familiar with people stepping over you and admiring the outcome of your beauty but never the roots of your pain

02:19 am
i spend so much effort watering people in order for them to grow and hardly get enough sun shine to feed my own soul

02:25 am*
because i don't know how to do anything else but care for everyone but myself

I have a mouth full of words
Eating away the inside of my voice
Rotting my vocal cords
You ever wonder what silence really
Sounds like ?
Mom tells me not to talk about it
Reruns of her favorite show have  been on all morning
And the laughter of the audience
Seems as though it was made for us
To play again and again
Repeating the same deadness that has been living with us for years
We've been burying each other for a few months now and each day we learn what it feels like to be front row in a funeral
You were never really invited too
Our black clothes have been fading  since January
The paint has been chipping off the front door since September
My dad stopped by , but didn't come inside
He yelled from his truck
and you wonder why people never come through it
I guess you can say things haven't been the same since he left and took the  "welcome home Matt " with him
It was moms favorite one
She didn't have a place to hide the extra key anymore
So now she keeps the doors unlocked
Things seem safer this way
I know I can leave anytime
But I'm afraid of the mess I am
Of the excuses and sincere apologies
You only find in mailboxes
I swear I'll go one day
before
I become the same one mom started forgetting about

Things they do not tell you about goodbyes:

No one tells you
When you walk out of your house

Your home,
For all purposes

That sometimes
You don't miss it

You do not turn around on your ankle

Look at those heights

And want to return


No one tells you
That even when you travel to the absolute extent
Of this earth

You will find that people will still be the same
You will still be the same


No one tells you
That sometimes
You do not miss
What you left behind


They will not tell you
That you will find comfort in
Dark, frightening places with unfamiliar faces
In shadows

They do not tell you
That
You
Will still be
alone





This feels exactly like home
I am not sure what I am meant to miss
Except the solitude and the stars every other night




The rain kisses the earth in different ways here

It does not send petrichor soaring
Throughout the atmosphere

And it does not torrentially lash at the earth

It is soft and slow
Like the softest cotton wool of the blankets
You cuddled in when you were a child


The rain kisses the earth differently
My ears perked up, I realize





The rain kissed the earth of my hometown differently
With thunder raging in the skies