Mother always called me the devil child
She said I was loud, destructive and wild
Parents told sister I was bad and she didn't ever have to play with me
Much time alone was no fun, however for some friends I did make a plea
I'd beg for my mothers attention, she'd run off to her room crying,
Yelled for my dad to come get me, because to her I was very trying
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a **** in front of the family
When I was very young mother once said “I will ****** you in cold blood”
Today mother said “you’re crazy, I’d never say that to a child, you are crud”
Nothing I did would ever please my mother
Gifts I bought her were tossed in the gutter
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got into many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Mother took me out Friday's to eat and buy what I wanted, after work
Last stop, the liquor store for drink and smoke, was left in car like a ****
Mother would always drive with me while she was drunk
I knew she'd been drinking because she smelled like a skunk
Bought games that took two to play, parents never had any intention
Of spending time with me, I was a bad child needing intervention
If I didn’t act a certain way when opening all my very expensive Christmas gifts
She’d pout, leave, and I’d have to open my gifts alone because I’d created a rift
Wasn't perfect I admit; ran off when 16 regret parents sent me away,
Came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, she felt angry
Said drinking not my problem, she’d return when I could face the truth
Never could admit wrongdoing, everything was because I was a youth
Home from school one day mom was passed out on floor drunk
Called 911 her Dr blamed me and said no visit, he called me a punk
My dad arrived home, find she was throwing up while passed out in bed
He'd take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, something I'd dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a badly spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead, he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city, I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve.
Married two very bad guys both who drank, beat me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused.
Moved into an apartment I still today about it rave
Mother always referred to it as a little dark damp cave
Things I wanted my mother to do with me she would say no
But wouldn't turn down a chance with other family to go
But this home where I've written articles, poetry that's been published
Most of the things I've written, mother has said they are mostly *******
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability to complete anything new
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the Nephrotic kidney condition
Seems, for now, to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while, I home schooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework, and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Took her out of school and put her in to get her GED
Then she was soon graduated within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
Alone I’ve raised a good child, published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Sister divorced husband for molesting children told kids I was bad
Lives in my town and over 20 years never talked, by her, I've been had
I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse, something I couldn't forget
Mother has disowned me going to court to remove my name
Because she said I've caused her embarrassment and shame
I'm damaged goods, only go to doctor and for groceries to shop
I hide inside and on computer, write stories and poems till I drop
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
Looking back I find so many things have not been my fault
But I still feel many days like I'm the only one under assault.
Copyright 2013
All Rights Reserved
Mother found my poem and told me to take it down because it makes a fool out of me and has nothing but lies on her. Of course I'm not taking it down. A few years ago, my mother asked me to start giving her mothers day cards, I never did. when I was a child I did, but she'd toss my gifts into the garage because they were never good enough. Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog