changing directions
midlife
is a scary thought

but when things become too tedious
   too boring
    too predictable
i think the choice is obvious

taking a chance
and embracing
the pounding of my heart
as a sign of anticipation
   instead of fear
gives me the courage i seek
to welcome something new.

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

i spotted you among the crowd
and our eyes met for a second
   a split second
but that was enough
for in that moment
i felt a warmth fill me
   top to bottom
and i knew
yes, i knew
i had to have you

by the end of the night
we had our first date

in the back seat of your car.

i'm done sacrificing something
just to get a phone call
late saturday night
for a date

no 6 foot anything
  is worth that
no filled out levis
  can get take me there again

stash the smile
stick the compliments
don't rub my back
stop smelling my hair
i've been there
        done that

so...

now then
shall we do this thing
on my terms?

or not?

can i get you anything
a life, maybe
change of scenery
a conscience (why do i always have trouble spelling that word!)
honesty?
yes, how about that?
would you know how to use it
or is that something else
                     i'd have to walk you through
you're like one of my childhood books (nothing beats seuss)
that i've read so often
i only use it for the pictures
so predictable
and stoic (i think that word fits, who cares, i like the way it sounds)

but...
******* it
why do i still feel guilty
when i debase (cool word) you?

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.

i've given up my dream to follow another's
   many times
that has left me dreamless
   and alone.

being battered emotionally
time and time again
has taken it's toll

becoming bitter
and unlikable
is not my chosen route
   but an established one
something i've accepted
   with open arms
     and a needy heart

you've throttled my compassion
to the point i feel
drained of goodness

no one understands
no one can relate

and i'm viewed as ugly
   mean
     disrespectful
      and cruel

     10 seconds
one derogatory remark
     and you've ****** the life out of me
once again.

what bothers me most
is that i have allowed you
to hurt me again.

looking hard
i don't know what i see

i have an imagined image of
smooth lines
warm colors
blended tones
   adding depth
& beauty
i can envision that when i squint

but wide eyed and aware
i see something unfinished
harsh lines stopping abruptly
colors that clash
unbalanced features
an incomplete likeness
to what i've conceived

i've become the frankenstein
of my fabricated reality.