i love you as i always have
and as i have not always loved myself
but wish that i had been able to.
many things would've been different
my whole life, for instance,
yours too.
I am sorry that it is not.
and that you never could quite understand
how it could be
that you loved me so much
yet i was still so sad.
and i kid myself,
i lie, hoping i won't realise,
pretending it's all fine;
that it doesn't hurt to breathe in your absence
that someone else will be able to fill the void
and that i will go on with my life.
I am static.
Since you left, I am still.
You said to never speak to you again,
my mind disobeys,
and in my head,
in deep recesses i am able to hold you still.

Lone crow on top of the transmission tower,
pretends she has its ownership rights.
A flock of swallows trying to alight on it,
deflected by her belligerence, scatter to all sides.
Shadow of an eagle above, quickly makes her wise,
like an acrobat, she dives upside down, disappears.

The United States has not had a bearded President since 1893.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad
How I find myself drawn inexplicably towards
Images and instances of you which still cause so much pain.

Moth to the flame - it's just nature - might explain this need found in me,
And I can't help but find the utmost pleasure
As I rub more and more salt in the wound,
Following each and every round with a squeeze of lemon
To add some spice and variance to the exquisite fair
That I have been feasting upon with my soul.

Try and deny it as I might,
It is in the depths of this despair that I delight.
Seeing your name is a shock and a stab
Of emotion that cuts so poignant and so true,
A breath of fresh air that makes me feel boundlessly alive
Inspite of the abyss it creates inside.