Wanting, waiting, hoping, praying
For the weight to go away.
I want to be able to breath
To see,
To hear,
To touch another's hand.
Without having this tight,
Horrible feeling just above my heart.
My friend says I can control it,
If I want to
But I don't think he understands just what it is to wake up and fear the wind
Or the sun
Or the leaves or the trees or the people or the walls or the feelings.
Or myself.
I fear what I don't understand or can't control.
But I don't understand myself,
And I can't control myself.
So I wake up and I'm scared of the things within myself that make me 'me' because I don't know how to prove to myself that I'm not something to be feared.
I call it fear because there's no other word that can be related.
But its not fear
Or anxiety
Or paranoia
Or insecurity
Its a thought process one goes through when they can't trust themself.

I wear this clock around my neck,
As a lover wears a ring.
This heavy weight upon my chest;
As heavy as the time within.

But The clock I wear's not ticking,
And the heart I bear's not beating.
I wait for them to begin again-
Clock broken, heart stopped.

The clock stopped when you left me,
The time ran out when you did.
But my heart went on for a little while,
My heart would not believe

That in the end you cared not
For the time or the heart I gave you.
So this clock serves as a reminder to
Not love as I loved you