I'm not asking you to understand why I don't want you to use this word to describe me. I'm asking you to refrain from doing so because it makes me feel like I'm getting in the car to go and find her again. Its reminding me of when I found her standing waist deep in a river crying because Michael said he wanted to die. Or when I helped her break up with her boyfriend because every time she'd tried to before, he'd grabbed a razor. Or crying in France because I needed her to take care of me for once. Or when he jumped on his computer because we borrowed it. Or when her parents shouted at each other. Or when she ran away.

I give up.

By "it", you mean me.

Loving me is inefficient.
Listening to me is inefficient.
Is there anything about me that's worth your time?

When the world is so cold,
And the air is muffled by the sound of nothing growing,
Let me feel your breath on the crown of my head,
And the smile on my lips,
And the small circles you depict in the small of my back
That so quietly whisper "I love you."

I think
I'm tired
Of people talking
To me when
They don't bring
Anything to say.

I'd write a sonnet
About how much I love you,
Darling Boy,
If I weren't so sad that your
Shoes aren't here for me
To put mine next to.

It was snowing,
And all I wanted
Was to warm my toes
On your tummy.

I am a failed experiment in evolution.

We cooked our dinner,
And we sat by one another,
Grinning,
Because what else was there to say?
In candlelight,
We were humming silently
To the tune of the other,
At peace.

There's a tiredness in my bones that runs deeper than my ability to think. I am tired of this life, of living for the others I am driven to love. They are difficult. I am exhausted.

I had the overwhelming sensation
That I should've been holding a hand,
Your hand,
As I travelled home on that bus.
Something so mundane as public transport
Still feels igniting when I can run my fingers
Over the knuckles
Of your strumming hand.

I am angry
My lovely one
That you feel like
You've been lost

When all that
Has happened
Is you've been left
Alone in a room

You are not alone
Because my mind
Dwells on every
Freckle on your face.

When do you believe life begins?

I want to tell you, on this day,
Just how happy I am that you're alive.
No.
How happy I am that you were even born,
But I bring it up and you tell me off,
Because you don't like it.

I don't like this either, as it happens;
I feel bad for the elation I got at setting my alarm for midnight so I could make sure I messaged you first thing, and going to sleep again with a smile on my face, hoping I could help make you feel as valued as you are.

So yeah, happy birthday, sorry for caring.

Giving up doesn't sound so bad;

No more nightmares, right?

Aren't we all so close to the end
And the beginning of things?
I am so close to the end of this day,
The beginning of my coursework,
Which I should've started three weeks ago,
And I  so close
To my next kiss
With you.

I am strolling.
Walking,
Waiting.
Standing,
Watching,
Waaaaiiiting.
I am sleeping,
Suspended in the glow,
Of my absolute inability
To use words.

You were tapping out my heartbeat
On my knee,
And I was so tired that all I could do was smile,
But that was okay, because the silence
Made you warmer, safer;
The beautiful boy protecting me from the world.

Love as hard as you hate, broken people.
Just because it hurts doesn't mean
It should become bigger, more consuming
Than kissing, laughing, smiling.

I had a dream once, my darling. About you and I, adrift in the sky.
For hours we'd dance and dance, your eyes glowing and growing, dancing, enhancing,
With each spin, each laugh as the hours turned to days turned to a lifetime.
We would stop our waltz only to kiss; long and lasting and promising.
A kiss that would power our airship, would end all wars, would cease my tears.
A kiss that would cure my fears.

The travesty is, beautiful boy,
That the silhouette you cast when
You're above me
Shines brighter than the
Stars behind you.

Still alive and still here,
We're all just waiting for the pain to go away.
We want to be able to breathe past
The lumps in our throats
Or on our brains
Or in our hearts,
But we are stuck in a whirling inferno
Of triggering our own pain
And dying from it.

Dear those who have been given that message,
From a doctor or from your lover who was told by a nurse.
I am so sorry that you have to end.
I am envious though, that you have a time frame;
I am scared of living and not knowing when I will die.
Will they find a lump in my lung,
Or me as the lump on the side of the road?
I fear not knowing that this breath, or the next is my last,
And though I am jealous that you know this,
I am so **** sorry that you do.

I hate movies,
Anyone who cares knows that.
Sitting in a room with all the people you love
And ignoring them.
But with you,
In this moment,
I want to build a fort with pillows and fairy lights.
I want to watch movies which came from comics,
And see you laugh, and cry, and hurt for people
Who done exist.
I want to feel you nose my neck in the quiet scenes,
And kiss me in the credits.

I am tidying my room,
Because it will get messy again.

My dad is cooking us dinner,
Because we will get hungry again.

Mother earns some money,
To replace that which we spent,
Again.

I want to do something,
For the first time,

Again.

I know the world is terrifying and black skies cover us all, but sometimes a small cloud of light will pass over us, carried by the breeze. The wind itself will hold the smells of tomorrow while the cloud will hold no scent, no sound. It will be but a light. In it though, we will see yesterday, dynasties past, kingdoms that rose and fell and flying cities. In this cloud you will have sat on a throne and commanded an army. You will have sat in a rocking chair and read to children while they pout, as children do. This cloud of every and no colour will call to you and pull on your soul until you forget that the sky is black and terrifying and all-consuming. For that is what a day dream is for. Now go back and make the colours invert. Make the sky golden and the clouds black. Make this world your kingdom, your dynasty. The classroom clock won't tick in the world if you make it for yourself. Make your own time and write your own world.

Follow my chaos down to the stream,
Nothing, but nothing is ever as it may seem.
Cowardice is bravery, the truth is a lie,
Expect the unexpected, walk so you'll fly.

Oh,* the mind goes.
Does she mean me?
I assure you, that I don't.
I mean the little voice inside
Your head that said this
Applied to you.
You are brilliant;
**** that little voice,
The not-you
That says you're anything less
Than radiant.

My body is at a desk,
While my mind is lain back
On my trampoline,
With the clear sky above me,
One night.
What a concept, a clear sky.
It means no clouds
But imagine,
If there was nothing up there
But black.

Your body tries so hard to make you function all the time even though you don't feed it enough and you cut it open and hit it and don't let it rest enough. Your body runs on instinct and its just breaking my heart cause your head blames your body and your body blames you head but they're not separate and it just not fair on either part of you.

You are the ink splash that fell from my eye,
As I started to cry,
For all I lost and would never find,
Or all that I simply left behind.
You are the door I slammed shut,
The punch in my gut,
As I realised I'd never
Love you again.

These are the moments,
Where bleeding
Is easier
Than words.

I promise,
That I will do my best
In all that I do.
Whether it is you,
My work or my sanity.
Starting from tomorrow,
I will not do anything that
Hurts me.
I will help only those I care
For and love only those
Who are deserving.
Starting with you,
My darling boy.

You came into the kitchen with me after watching the good dinosaur. You stood behind me and said "oh my god I have a Grace." You looked so genuinely happy about it and I kissed you for a long moment. When we broke the kiss, you said "I just got the best kind of butterflies." And I didn't know how to respond because it made me so bubbly that I just held you and you held me. Until of course your dad came in and we had to stop being cute.