I breathed you in
like the smoke from my
last cigarette;
it was bitter-sweet
to taste you on my lips.
And although I never had anything
all-that-useful to say,
I'd like for it to be known
that I still
           love you.

even if your cancer
is metastasizing
in my
heart.

Today marks another day that I woke up.
One more day I was able to smell the scent of fresh cut grass and early June.
      Where I was able to feel the gentle friction from these cotton sheets.
See the sun glistening through my blinds.
     Listen to the birds sing and my ceiling-fan hum a tune while all the air brushes down upon me in patterned strokes.
    Today marks another day where I am able to make sense of things.
Like the bold taste of coffee,
and a well-timed cigarette.

I don't know where
        I'm going
    or quite exactly
            where I want to be.

             I just know that
my feet keep moving,
                  my heart keeps beating,
      and there's nothing
              standing
            in my way.

I want to be your
favorite song
on the B-side
of and old record.

                And I want to
    inspire you
to tap your feet.

                  The same way you
make my heart thump
         in an off-tempo beat.

i bet even after all this time
that if my chest were to
ache with emptiness enough
like it used to i could go to your house
and find the outline of our bodies
on your dark blue bed sheets
i have spent the last year
both trying to run from you
and find you at the same time
but i left everything i knew
about falling in love
on that mattress and
it's still settling there
like dust and
all i can do is write about you
until it comes back to me,
or by some kind of miracle,
you decide to.

I'll never forget the look on your face.
I'll never forget that phone call at 7pm.
You nudged my arm and by the look in your eyes I could tell something was wrong.
"Uncle Markie is dead."
Four words that should never be in the same sentence.
The first thing you say to me is, "how do we tell her?"
My eyes filled with tears and they wouldn't stop falling.
This was the first time that my father;
The man who has always has the answer,
The one with the key to fix everything,
Didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to do.
How can you tell your mother that her brother, her best friend is dead?
I'll never forget how she tried to run away.
She kicked and screamed and cried.
There was nothing I could do to fix it.
She kept saying, "it's not true, it's not true, how did it happen?"
My dad and I looked at each other
How do you tell someone that their brother took his own life,
Because he couldn't bare living life any longer?
I had to be the one to tell you,
I wish I could take it back.
Because seeing your mother break before your very eyes does something to you.
My uncle took a piece of me with him.
I'm still hoping for the day when I can be whole again.
But I don't think that will ever happen.