Hands scratching on wooden tables
Feet tapping on floors
Hearts going a million miles an hour
But feels too constrained

Tossing and turning at night
Tiredness at the back of the brain
Can't freak out
Or scream out again

Curling into a ball
Slow breathing slow down
In and out
Hate that sound

Open eyes to dull sky
Cold toes under blankets
Restless head on pillow
Refuse to get up.

By the sweat of your brow
Will you have food to eat,
Until you return to the ground
From which you were taken.
For you were made from dust,
And to dust you will return.

This is the god I love
Who is vengeful
And is writhing in wrath
I love my angry god
I want to see him
**** all tendrils of evil
Swirling in people's hearts
And embrace them
In awe
As their hearts fill
With pure ecstasy
And realize how empty they have been
All along.

Letting his words hit me
As hard as his fists do.
"Could those snarling lips
Have caressed my skin as
Sweetly as they had
The day before?
And those hands, now
Balled into fists, had I
Really felt protected by their touch?
His eyes, glistening with hate,
How could they have sparkled
In sight of me.
No, not possible.
Married for 5 years, with a
Child on the way."

I am tired of sneaking out
And getting in his creaky old truck
Staying up so **** late
Sneaking back in at 6 am
And then getting drunk
Isn't me
Isn't fun
I can't sleep
I don't want to eat
A sickness in my stomach
Lurking to come.
Happy New Years,
Have more than a couple beers,
And regret it later.

I smile at everything she is
She is every Disney Princess
There ever was
And I'm in love.
She has the strength of Mulan
With a Beauty like Belle
The defiance of Ariel
And a voice like Aurora
She has kindness like Cinderella
And can cook like Tiana.
She is my very own
Disney princess
The best there ever was
All their perfect qualities
Rolled into one.

My fingertips tremble
Upon her smooth skin
My breath falters
As my lips touch hers
My tongue curls in pleasure
At the taste of her
My body turns to her
Every pleasure
And I couldn't be
More in awe
Than I am
Of her and her beauty.

I thought I wasn't stuck in
My past anymore
I have a new lover
And a new happy ending
But I feel my heart
Still tug
To sadder times
Where I loved with my whole heart
Instead of most of it
and I had so many possibilities and
I had
A happy heart
And mistakes I could fix.
And now I'm no longer invincible
I'm a hollow shell
That shakes silently sometimes at night
I feel my life whirl by
With me in the middle watching
And I feel myself losing my grip
On my new forced happiness
Losing myself in the waves
Of her love
Looking back at the storm
Of his lies
And I want to leave it
But I can't escape.

When I was with him
He was bad
And beautiful
And dangerous
And my secret.
I saw through eyes that
Were hopelessly in love
With him.
I saw his bad qualitys
And quickly forgave them
When I heard his voice.

Now, I love him,
But not for who he truly is.
I love him for what I thought he was.
He didn't change.
But my eyes did.
My perception of him did.

And I see now who he is.
He is a skinny
Acne faced
Dug addict
Who takes the love of
****** closeness
And spends it time after time
With girls he doesn't know.

He is no bad boy.
He is a lost boy.
An I have grown too tired
Of his disappointments
To try to save him.

When I fell in love with him,
I fell hard and young and oblivious.
I gave him everything
And he gave me empty promises
But he made me so nervous
My teeth would chatter.
I thought I had surely found the one
At the age of twelve.
And oh, it was love.
Those nights next to him
I could barely look at him.
There was tingling up and down my spine
And everything.
I thought you could only fall once.
Back then, I wanted to only fall once,
For him.

And my mother tight lipped smile
My fathers "I don't even want to know"
Makes it obvious Im the black sheep.
My sister is an ivy league college girl
And my brother is so smart and the favorite,
But I'm the one who has fallen in love
And has taken the price for it twice.
I see the disappointment in their eyes
Feel them shadow me away
As if me dating another girl
Is the worst thing possible.
Once I can leave this godforsaken house
I will be free
To love her freely.

"do you love your sin enough to burn in hell forever?"
Who? Who is that sin..? That beautiful girl next to me? And to answer your question, if this was sin, yes. A million times yes. Waking up today to see her face smiling at me is worth it. And when Satan is torturing me, I'll remember the love I have received from her. That is how it isn't a sin. Because this love isn't twisted, it isn't hurting anybody, and I am happy and so is she. It is real love. And we aren't hurting anybody. Why do you care so much about my life and who I choose to be with? Doesn't affect you none.  So ******* and your empty words that shouldn't pack in so much hurt. But they do.

I smash my fist into her
Bleached teeth mouth
And feel a satisfying crack
As blood falls from her lips.
I can feel her perfectly manicured
Fingers dig into my long blond hair,
Trying to get a hold of me.
I push her against lockers
And I break her
Fake little face
And push out the words
She called me through my
Balled fists.
I hear my voice screaming
But I don't know what it's saying
All I know is she got her lesson,
And I'm happy to be suspended.

Where does it all go?
All those memories of sneaking out
And watching your weight?
Of your husband going
Off to a world war?
Those memories
Of loving him?
Of him dying?
What about those memories
Of being all alone, and
Growing old alone?
What about the memory
Of your favorite great grand daughter
Who ÿöü always complimented
On how beautiful they were?
What of her?
What about all the things
She wanted to tell you....
She wanted to confess
And she wanted to confide
But she never did.
And you are gone,
The memories around here
Somewhere.

And I feel my mistake
Hit my like a wall
And I feel the hate
I am hopelessly in love me
But all I can ask is:
"what is wrong with me?"
So I fail nearly all my classes
Scrape by with a 2.5 gpa
And I sit in my room
Alone at last
And the smile goes away
And everything is in my mind
Swirling around until
I plug in my headphones
And turn it up so loud
I cannot think.

I smile through the blood
And laugh with every hit
Smell the ***** on his breath
Won't be the last time yet 
Got scabs on his forearms 
And anger in his eyes 
Throws me around and 
My cracked lips smeared
With his hate coming down in 
Ruby red droplets
He grabs me and hates me 
But I already forgave him
For tomorrows bruises
Long as I don't lose him 
Big as a rock 
Only thing that anchors me
But he is lost in his own sea
I see him drowning in his eyes 
Confusion sweeping over him 
Lays himself down on the couch 
And I flee to our room 
And land on the bed
Feeling skin puff up
Here and and there
Feelings forgotten with each
Band aid,
Will I ever be loved? 
I wipe the blood from my mouth an spit it out, grinning
Big and laughing,
No, no one could ever love
A ****** skinny fool
Like me.

And this is when we
Realize
We are our very own
Demise.
Our unhappiness
And our depression
Comes from within.
And every second longer
It hurts a little bit more
Tearing you
Searing you
From your insides.
You feel that familiar ache
In your heart, your sad blood
Pumps it all around your body.
You breathe it in
With each sighing breath
And you cry it out
Until ÿöü gasp for air.
It's the self hate
And it's the loathing,
It's sitting in bed
And not eating at all
Or eating too much.
It's too many imperfections
On your skin
So deep it reaches the inside...
It's no power
And hopeless love
The frustration
Of a nation
Crying out
With every word they say
You hear the pain
In our laugh,
You can't see the smile in our eyes.
We are dead and wasted
At the age of youth.
Nothing new.
We don't feel the free joy
Or the comfort of strong hands
All we feel is our sick hearts
With something that is
Hate and pity and horror
And everything into one.
It is dangerous.
We the people,
The new people,
Of America.
The forever youth
With forever words,
And the forever pain.

Don't you remember
Me saying it
Isn't fun anymore?
But I see your boyish body
And sleepy face
And ***** and your
Nose is sniffling
And maybe bleeding,
Desperately snorting
Up any pill won't help.
And I recognize
My self hate
For saying no
When you wanted me to say yes
I could've saved you from all this
And given you a better life
But now you don't care
As long as you have a place to sleep
And you know where to get your fix.
I regret running to her
And into her safety
And her sturdy,
When I should've
Been helping you walk
But now you crawl
And I am so sorry
I wanted a better future for you
But I couldn't
I need her
To love me and
I need to love her
And we do but it's just----
You.
I love you.
I want to save you.
I really do.

These young and new hands
Feel a forever weight of a ring.
They feel the roughness
Of a mans body.
Of clinging to his hand and
Suddenly pop
My hands, one moment squeezing
The living **** out of everything
Is now sweetly caressing
A newborn babe.
I feel my hands hold it
So carefully
And so cautiously,
And that is how
My hands dealt with him
For his life.
When he was sick
I'd rub his tummy
Or hold him
Or hug him
And feel my hands clutch
The safety grip
In the car as I taught him to drive.
Feel my hands holding onto a
Red graduation cap.
Then suddenly
My hands feel a new babe,
And my hands help out
To take care of her.
They would hold her
Until her father
And my son
Took her away into his.
And I feel her grow up
With every hug
And every pat on the knee.
And I'm so busy
Working with my hands
I don't notice them
Until I am failing to
Open a simple bottle for Advil.
I notice them.
And their veins
And their knuckles
And their soft old skin.
I feel their tiredness
And see their old spots.
My hands,
So busy with anything else in this world,
I didn't realize I was
Growing old.

And he is the
Monster under your bed
But when you turn the lights on
He isn't afraid
He mocks you and your fear
With his bitter smile
And sour breath
He wears a silky garment
And his blak hair is slicked back
He is conniving and he is silent
But his presence
Is what scares the children at night
He is the one who plants fear
Inside their minds
And he is the one
Who plants fear into your mind
He is slithery and watery
With no form
And no way to catch him
He is Evil itself.

I smell the liquor
On his breath
And see the confused anger
In his eyes.
I hear him yell at my mom
And I hear him hit her.
I run and hide under my bed.
I start crying.
I should be brave enough to go out there
And save mommy.
I hear his stumbling footsteps
Get closer and closer.
"don't you dare touch him!"
I hear with a smack.
Then my mom slowly slides to the floor.
My door opens.
I see his feet.
He starts laughing and his hand snakes
Under my bed and grabs my neck.
Jeremiah.
He scoops me up and lets me sit
On my old creaky bed.
He covers my eyes and grabs
My hands
And he picks me up
And for a minute I'm weightless,
Flying through the air
Until crash
I slump against the wall.
I feel his fist. Again and again.

"baby josh? Baby Josh it's okay honey
It's just a dream"...
I am holding onto auntie kk's shirt tight.
I bury my face into her warm neck an she hugs me.
She kisses my head.
"Jeremiah."
I cry.
"I know honey. He's gone. He's gone."

And I did it.
I got an abortion.
I laid down that night and felt
My soft stomach.
Yesterday night,
Cells were multiplying
And they were becoming
Those little fingers and toes.
But I had to.
The women there were very supportive.
It's MY life.
MY choice.
MY baby.
But I'm going to miss
The feeling of love.
I turn around and lay on my side,
So I can't hold my lower belly.
That baby was my baby.
Now.... It isn't. It's gone.
It's dead. Was it even alive?
Did it have an heartbeat?
It soon would have.
And now I will never give birth to it,
Never hold it in my arms.
I can't watch them take their first step,
Or see their first smile or
Hear their first laugh or word.
I can't hold it when they cry,
Or pick out presents for their birthdays.
I'll never know that baby's
Personality,
I'll never be able to tuck it in at night
And sing it to sleep.
I can't check for monsters under their bed,
Or send them off to their
First day of school.
I can't see them at their last day.
I can't see them at their wedding.
Or hold their children.
Or bicker over wine with them.
No, those tiny little cells
Were mine. And my future.
And I took it away.
Now I'm **** sobbing,
Wishing of what could be.

I've loved you since
We were in 7th grade,
And I'm a Sophomore now.
I havent been with you since January,
So for almost a year.
But my heart aches when I see you
And I think of all the possibilities
I could have with you again.
Your blond hair and brown eyes,
Crooked smile
And silly laugh.
Your forearms and your hands,
And I could openly admire
Your love for anything to do
With machines or mountains.
Ive loved you when you left me,
And when you ran away.
I have loved you since I was 12,
And I can't ever forget that day.
I have loved you for quite some time.
I can't imagine it being a youthful love,
When I'm not over you yet.

I am a wild child.
I have decades to go
Before I'm supposed to die.
I am young and in my teens.
I have homework and a long school day.
I have hurt and I have tears.
I have regrets and I have lies.
I have lies to myself.
And to others.
I have enemies.
But I also have no job
And anything I have is handed to me.
I am loved and I can make huge mistakes
Without being put in prison.
I am young and I am
As free as I will ever be.
I don't have to grow up for awhile now,
I get to live and laugh
And cry as I please.
Nobody to answer to, just me.
I'm reckless like the rest of us,
I smoke and I drink
And I party all night.
But it's okay because I can.
I am free.
I am youth.

My weekend consisted of
Stained and pained smiles
And fists and hits
It was smoking
And it was clowns
And im a beautiful girl
But I am filled with regret
And soft hands left marks
On my body
That I can't even remember
Until I find out later
And I see their stares
And I am guilty within
My parents trust.
My weekends consist of
Sneaking out
And having a *******
Can't tell anybody
Or else I'll be branded as a *****
When I don't even
Remember half of it!
Flashing lights
And falling falling
Sweaty skin
And bitter lips
This is what
My weekend consisted of.

I miss the days of long swirling breezy skirts
And missing teeth smiles.
I miss playing with my dog and eating the
Wild raspberries in the woods.
I miss carving pumpkins and being a princess.
I loved my parents old worn bed
And all my sisters barbies.
I can almost feel the warm sun on my back
And taste the cold ice cream in my mouth.
My sister teaching me how to stop a bike
By walking in front of me so I'd have to stop it.
More than once did I veer away and crash in the
Old sticker bushes.
I miss dads barbecue, and hating
Those bratwurst he cooked sometimes.
I miss my aunt and uncle, when they were still together.
I miss my cousins. And playing tag with them.
I miss the innocence of kissing by the swings
At recess, and blushing all day long.
I wish I could go back
To those simpler times,
When everything was black and white.
When my mind focused on my dolls hair,
Instead of focusing on work.
I miss my childhood and my new youth.
At the age of fifteen,
I already feel spent.

I see their hands
Grabbing at the stage
And at my ankles
Their needy and beady eyes
Following my skimpy silhouette
As I twirl around the pole.
I cry at night
When they come in
For $100 worth of fun.
Rent isn't paid
And my boyfriend finally left me
For a richer class.
I wear my mask of makeup
And put on my smile,
Wipe my nose clear of dust
And head back onto the stage
With my ******* heels on.

Things he couldn't do for me:
Hold my hand in public
Kiss me in public
Give me his shirts or hoodies 
Keep us exclusive
Wait to have ***
Wait for anything
Wouldn't role play
Say I love you in person
Try to see me
Make me feel loved
Ignore the other girls

Things he could do (and did):
Break up with me
Kiss me in private
Try to get me high 
Make me feel bad
Lie to me 
Date my best friend
Pressure me for ***
******* off
Flirt with other girls
Make me feel stupid
And insecure
And ugly.
He made me feel like I'd never be good enough. 
He made me cry and dry heave.
Be forgiven with a smile.
Make me hate myself.
Make me think; if I was truly beautiful, wouldn't he want me? If he thought I really was gorgeous and perfect, why was he with her? 
Why did you choose her that night?
I could feel the depth of my words that night. It scared me. Why did you lie? I told you I didn't care if you were flirting with other girls. 
That night you went to Alex's. Dated Amanda of all people. That lasted not even a month. 
It killed me seeing photos of you with her. Still does. You and her, smiling and laughing at the camera. You're her 'bro'. You teaching her to longboard. You promised me you'd teach me how to. I miss your smile before your braces. I miss your forearms. Every time I saw them I wanted to run my hands along them. I miss your hands, holding mine so tight my fingers and knuckles were white and purple. Their roughness on my bare ******* and ***.
 I wish ÿöü had snuck out on that night I was home alone. I wasn't ready to give you my virginity, but I was ready to make you happy. To make myself feel wanted. 
I regret not kissing you at that camp. If I could go back in time I would kiss you every chance I got. I would kiss your lips and neck, run my hands on your neck and chest and arms. Feel your power. 
I regret our last time kissing was over a year ago. I wish I could kiss you up until the point that me and mykayla started dating. 
I wish I had been braver and bolder. I wish I took the chances, I wish I went too far. I wish I had something more to regret than all that time wasted on not touching you

Jealousy sweeps over me
With each and every night
They stay at each others houses
And they like each other a lot.
I see them smiling
And making new memories.
"he is nothing"
She says. Well that
Nothing was my first love.
He was all I wanted an more.
He isn't a *******.
He is more real than you
Could ever know.

I am trapped In a three wall
         Cage
I can taste all that stupid
         Self hate
It's a bitter taste makes me
Pucker my lips
And all the people kiss them
As they pucker and smack
And there is no turning back
My family is a hollowed shell
Nobody to save me
I'm stuck in my hell
He satisfies my nights
But doesn't even
Kiss me as he says goodbye.

My heart grows restless for him
missing his caress
and false saccharine words
singing his song was a melancholy old tune
I had known oh so well
Kisses I had felt
still pressed to my lips
Hands had held me
still comfort me in their ghosts
Nothing left to deny
Warm brown eyes
never to look at me again
Blond hair
never for my touch again
restless I feel,
missing him and his old hurt
stuck in my dreams of him
and his smile
I'm restless,
Addiction doesn't go away somehow

Too many people
With dried tears on their pillows
Too many people 
With big hurt in their hearts
Too many people
Who would rather be beaten up
Than lose another lover.
Too many people
With a quiet mouth
That cannot speak of
Their past 
Too many people
Who keep to themselves
When their mind is racing
Of things that could be.