"You're such a ditz"*
My friends say
When I stop what I'm saying
To admire the last rosy kiss
Of the sunset
As it waves a lonesome goodbye
To its lovers.

"She lacks focus"
My parents say to eachother
In undertones I've heard coming so often
From the front seat.
I roll my eyes
At their attempt at secrecy
And turn my gaze back to the golden farms
Running beside our tires.

"You're very thoughtful,
Never stop appreciating the beauty of the earth"
My great grandmother says
Patting my hand with an understanding
I don't see often
Because she
Is one of the few.

'You should inspire yourself'
Said a councilor at one time
'Inside you will find what you need'
And clearly he said the right lines
Finding myself empty was harsh
And it woke me from my sleep
And instead you all filled me in
Your hopes are now my dreams

Because I don't live for myself
And I don't think that I will
I'm just not a worthy cause
And I won't bother to heal
'You should follow your heart'
But what does that even mean
I've written my future off
And your wish is my command

To say what you want me to
Or do what you'd ask of me
As long as I'm of some use
I permit you to use me
If you should deem me worthy
My servitude becomes a drug
My function is inspiration
Your master-ship shows love

I may be on hands and knees
But it's for the pursuit of heart
I simply follow your leadership
I state that it guides my soul
By now I find that I'm wrong
But I'm just too afraid
If I seek out a better purpose
Then your love is betrayed

Emotions arise for others
Yet you still wander through my mind
At once, I called it obsession
But now I doubt the word
As I struggle with what I feel
I see you in her at once
Memories flood to the surface
And she confuses me even more

Am I so desperate for you that I do this
Can you project your love on others
Which leads me yet to more struggles
Since the word love sounds foolish

I still dream of you at times
And it still sickens me to a point
That feeling of happiness you bring
Wakes me with my whole body in knots
To think that I missed my chance
Do I use others as restarts
Or is it a natural thing to want you
As maybe, just a piece of her

She was pretty.
Scratch that.
She was beautiful.
Scratch that too.

She was more beautiful,
Than a sunrise on a winter morning.
Or a rainfall on an autumn day
Where the leaves dance in the wind
And fill the sky with life.
More beautiful than a flower
That breaks through the cracks
Of a concrete garden
And brings color to the air.
She was more beautiful,
Than any poem that's ever been written.

She was beautiful.
Scratch that.
She still is.