There's a part of me
With fantasies of who I want to be
A part that wants to live my life,
Take risks,
Go anywhere, everywhere
Just to get away from here
Let go of my past
And my scars,
Start anew,
Learn new things and find what's true
Eat when I'm hungry
Then stop when I'm satisfied
Start a conversation with strangers,
Be a leader instead of a passenger
This is who I would love to be

But then there is who I really am
The part of me who's always ******
The girl who can't stop dwelling on the past
And is scared of the future
And she's not to fond of the present either
Always expecting another disaster
Who stays in bed all day
Only getting up to binge and purge
Who can't even do simple things without having an anxiety attack
Can't even use a phone, how ****** up is that?
Who'll never go anywhere
Because she can't escape the thoughts she has
She'll always be a follower
Forever a **** pushover
She looks in the mirror and hates herself
And that girl will always be me

When did skinny become synonymous with happy?
I wish I could tell that girl that being 120 pounds
Won't make her any happier than she was at 140 pounds
And she'll still feel fat and ugly at 90
And nothing will ever change
I wish I could tell her that she is more
Than the number on the scale
But I know she wouldn't believe me
She's been raised to hate her body
Obsessed with protruding bones
That look like they're about the break through the flesh
Her vision blurs the image in the toilet bowl
She flushed down her salad and her dreams
Cause beauty tastes like ***** to her
She has the bullets in the gun
But she won't deliver the fatal blow
Just etches more tally marks in her skin
Because she wants to be perfect at the morgue
I can't think of a more slow and strategic suicide
I wonder
When did unhealthy mean beauty,
Our bodies become war zones,
When did skinny become synonymous with happy?
And most of all,
When did that girl become me?