the first night you wrapped your arms around my waist and kissed my forehead, i cried myself to sleep
and the first morning you called just to say "have a good day", i failed a math test
the first afternoon we spent lying in your bed, i screamed with the window down the whole way home
the first time we fought, i smoked a pack of cigarettes in my drive way with my hands shaking violently and my knees pulled up to my chest
and the first time we made up, i spent three days writing poems about the skin on your fingertips and the shadows under your eyes
"i didn't get home until pretty late, so i didn't want to wake you, but if you get this in the morning, i hope you have a good day at school... call me when you get home.. oh, and...
i love you, i love you, i love you.
okay"
i listened to that voice mail every day for the first week that we did not speak.
and re-read text messages for the first month and a half.
i still remember deleting it all. she held my hand and said, "you can't keep torturing yourself." i held my breath and said, "well there, i'm free."
but i felt the walls caving in on me.
and i couldn't understand why i needed the sound of your laugh more than the roof over my head.
and i couldn't understand how my skull fit into the bend of your elbow with more ease than my tempurpedic pillow.
"i'm sorry i haven't gotten in touch with you. i wasn't sure if it'd hurt you to hear from me... but i do miss you a lot and i hope everything is okay."
your name danced across the screen of my phone,
one time at 2:00 A.M. and i felt nauseous all of the following day.

my sister and i
swam in the hotel swimming pool
last weekend when we were away
and the smell of chlorine in my hair
made my stomach turn, because
it reminded me of the summer
we fell asleep on the floor of my living
room, with our bathing suits on
every night for three weeks straight

most days the sense of longing
is so strong that it knocks the wind
from my lungs
and i'm just afraid
that i'll never learn
to breathe easy again

after a healthy
snowfall

I took to the park
to hike through
the woods with
Sweet Pea

on a friendly hill
near the entrance
I watched a father
and his miniature
purple scarved
pink bundled daughter
deep in the throes
of giddy play
slide down the
slight *****
daring the fates of
bodacious joy

I joined in their
smiles, lifted
by girly giggles
sung from
the secure lap of  a
bear hugging dad
as the disk
whirled through
the snow

when the
thrilling ride ended
the little one
scampered after her
hooting daddy
as they climbed
the hillock for
another round
of glee

a few days later
Sweet Pea and I
returned to the park

the footprints
and sled marks
of our intrepid
joy riders were
fading, receding
into the march of
a waning season

though the
happy tracks
in the melting
snow will
surely vanish

the footprints
of that day will
remain fresh
alive forever
in the mind
of an elderly
woman, recalling
the thrilling giggles
and secure bearhugs
of a love blest youth

Music Selection:
Los Lobos:
Somewhere in Time

Oakland
2/5/14
jbm