I'm drowning again,
In things I haven't said.

My teeth like bars
And my mouth like a prison,
Everything I feel
Is kept within.

All my sadness,
And all my fears,
All my paranoia,
And unconditional love,
All held captive in my
Penitentiary mouth.

And it seems so stupid
To keep it all
Locked away,
But I feel even dumber
When I let my thoughts
Slip through the cracks in my teeth.

But I'm only human
And I need to know
That the way I feel
Is justified because
I feel it.

I'm only human,
And teeth don't make
Effective dams.
Tidal waves
Of feeling I've swallowed
Come pouring out my eyes
When I'm alone at night.

And you want me to show you?
You want to see
What it looks like
To feel like me?

I'm only a girl
With a fragile heart
So hold it gently.
Hold me closely
And make me believe
That it really is okay
To be like me.

I cannot explain
The dullness that has invaded
My tired brain.
I don't know why
I don't want to try
To do the things
I know I should.

I can't be bothered
With questions about
The future
About the world around me
Because finding the answers
Requires much more energy
Than I have to offer.

How do I learn
How do I grow
With this incessant
Low hum
Ringing throughout my body?
There's no ignoring it.

I'm a slave
To my unnecessary pain.
And I hate being too weak
Too busy
Too apathetic
To fight this depression.

All I can do is laugh
And keep pushing,
Hoping that one day
I will wake up with the power
To do something about
The sadness that keeps me
From everything I have yet to reach.

For now,
I'm so sorry
That my anxiety
And my sadness
Make me stagnant
In the face of truth.

I'm so sorry
That I feel the need to
Appologize for the way I am.
But the way I am
Is not the way I want to be.

It'll be two years soon.
Two years,
Five psychiatric medications,
Six relapses,
20 pounds lost and gained,
And lost again,
And one suicide attempt.

And now I'm here,
Still trying to wash your fingerprints
Off of my bruised skin.
Trying to forget your voice
And the feeling of your grip
On my wrists and throat.

Two years later
And I still can't bring myself
To say the word out loud.
The R word.
Two years later and I still
Tell myself
"You idiot, you should have known."

Two years later
And every time I pass your house
On the way to see my psychiatrist
I have half a mind
To burn it to the ground.
To throw rocks in your windows.
To slash the tires
On your red jeep.

Maybe by next year
I'll stop seeing you in my dreams.
I'll stop feeling your hands
All over me.
I'll stop hearing
Your voice breaking through tears
Telling me you love me.

Maybe by next year
The scars from when
I locked myself in your bathroom
And tore myself apart
Will fade completely.
Maybe by next year
I'll actually be able
To say the word "****".

I'm not sure of anything,
Accept for the fact
That I need to get out of here
Before my mind snaps.

I'm questioning the way
I move and breathe and blink.
Is this okay?
What will you think?

I need to go home.
I need to take cover.
I need to find a strong roof
To hide for a while under.

But I have no home
Except for the one
In your arms.
The house I live in
Always feels dark.

I'm worried that I'll get lost
In the emptiness of
That big, lonely house.
I'll be trapped by the cold
With no way to get out.

So how will my mind
Decide to pass the time?
How will I stay sane
With so much room
To let my stupid thoughts loose?

I don't want to paint
I don't want to sing
I don't want to read
I don't want to write
What the hell will I do
With so much time?

I'll sleep for as long as I can
To avoid the inevitable
Toil in my lonely brain

I'm exhausted.
So ******* tired.
I wake up and feel
Hardly rested because
I spent all night
Pulling my teeth out
And bleeding from my mouth.

This ridiculous dream
Visits me so frequently,
Yet it never fails
To convince me of its reality.
It's impossible to speak
With bones knocked loose,
Making it hard to breathe.

I feel so stuck in my brain
All the time.  
My life is not
My interaction with the world.
My life is my interaction
With my own mind.

My life is in
My thoughts and
Inner diologue,
Not in the way
I fit into the
Universal machine.

It goes on
And on without me.
I was part of the machine
For only a minute and
Once again I feel myself
Beginning to float
Into the distance.

I'm clinging to everything
On Earth I can find
Meaning in.
I'm holding onto
Love and fear
To try to keep
Myself on the ground.

Hold onto me
So I can feel some
Small security.
How can I be
So sensitive and
Struggle to feel
What's all around me?

Maybe I'll lay in the rain
And let it soak
Into my bones.
I'll be drenched in rain
When the wind blows in
And I become frozen
In the cold.

Then I'll set myself
On fire,
And maybe that's extreme,
But I'm desperate for relief,
To find what I need,
To feel human again.

Gone
gone
Gone

They're all
So far away now.
If only I could reach
Into the dark
That took you
And pull you back
From wherever you went.

Is it really better
Over there?
Show me what
I've been missing
And maybe God will let us
Trade places.

Do you regret what you did?
Would you take it all back
If I told you that
I'd bear the weight
Of your quick decisions for you?
Would you let me
**** myself
If it meant being
In your mothers arms again?