Light of my life,
The slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune
Bloom a rose
In the deeps of my heart.

And so I came forth
But could not behold the stars.
The slings and arrows,
They trespassed upon my thoughts.

And I cried that I came
To this great stage of fools,
But it echoed loudly within me
Because I am hollow at the core.

That outward existence which conforms,
This inward life which questions
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece of.  

I don't exactly know
What I mean by that,
But I mean it.

how do i look at myself
and say
"this is okay.
the way you feel,
the way you think,
is okay."

how do i stop
telling myself
that i've always been
and will always be
too much?

can i change the way
i feel about myself
without changing
who i am?

can i learn
to appreciate my bleeding heart
and overzealous mind?

god
please tell me
that this is how you made me
and that how i am
is okay to be.

god
touch my heart
and heal my eyes
so that i am at peace
with all the things
i can't stand to be.

how do i stop
wishing that everything
about me was different?

i know what my problem is,
what my problem has always been.
i hate myself
in every way possible.

i hate the way i look
but thats just the surface.
i hate the way i think
and feel the most.

my mind twists everything
into an unrecognizable image
and tells me that this is the way
things are and have to be.

and i feel with such despair
that my heart renders
my mind useless
in the face of fear.

i can't talk myself
out of a panic
because my heart is so loud
that reason is lost in the sound.

so i hide my heart
and my mind
and i do what i can
about the way i look.

but it's not as easy
when my heart
and mind demand to be heard
when my composure
wears off at night.

then i turn into
the pathetic disaster
i've always been.
the mess of a person
that i've kept hidden.

and believe me,
i want to change.
because i know
that asking someone to love me
the way i am
is far too great a task.

who could look at a person
that screams curses
at the mirror with such relentless
sadness and hate
and decide to love them?
well i was hoping you could.

i don't know if that's
too much to ask,
for someone so beautiful
to love such a mess.

am i way
out of line
to wish that you
would hold me and tell me
that everything is fine?

should i leave such desires
for daydreams and poetry?
because my stupid heart
wants me to beg you
to stay and love me.

I don't want to be this way,
Scared and on edge,
With my heart
And my mind
Locked far away.

But what can I do?
I'm battling with
Logic and love
All while trying not to bleed
In front of you.

I'm sorry
That I'm not brave enough,
I'm not strong enough,
To leave behind
My defense mechanisms.

But if you just stay,
Maybe soon I'll stop
Being so afraid
Of what I have to say.  

If you keep holding me,
Maybe the chains
That bind me
To this weight of fear
Will dissolve slowly.

If you keep loving me,
I'll rip my heart out
And let you keep it.
Sorry if that's too gory.

Please keep loving me,
Because I can feel
The darkness
Beginning to recede.
I can feel myself
Opening to the love
I've been dying to receive.

deep inside me
there are words
that have been buried
under mountains of anxiety.

they make me sick
as i try to fight them,
hold them down,
keep them silent.

they're begging me
to uncover them,
to throw away fear
so they can breathe.

but i can't
i can't
i can't let them see the sun
its much too harsh for
how fragile they are

Its back,
And I wish I could say
For one night only,
But the forecast shows
A messy week ahead of me.

Every day
The sun will burn bright
And a cool wind will
Bite my cheeks.

Every night
The sun will set
Like God dropped a bowling ball
And storm clouds
Will come rolling in.

The thunder will be deafening
With no lightning
To illuminate the blackness.
The rain will come in
Big, heavy drops
All at once.

No gradual crescendo.
No calming patter on rooftops.
Only a roar at my window
That will ****** me
To open it.

In the rumble
I can hear a whisper
Begging me to open
The floodgates and let the rain
Come rushing into my room.

Let it rise
Up the walls
Until I'm kissing the ceiling
Then sink to my bed,
Feeling content with my efforts.

I wrap the covers
Around me and lay my head down,
Passive to the water
Filling my lungs.
Comfortable in my
Burial at sea.

Don't worry though,
My room is still dry
And the window is closed.
But the latches are loose
And I'm not quick to repair.

Where did I go?
How is it that I don't know
Where all the conscious parts of me
Have decided to take leave?

My mind has floated
To the corners of space
And left my hollow body
Wandering in its place.

It's looking for
What used to dwell inside.
But it seems this thing,
My mind,
Has decided to hide.

It sounds crazy
But at least some part of me
Has always been floating freely.

Now all of me is gone
And I'm realizing I cannot be,
I cannot live
In two places at once.

I'm trying to pluck myself
Out of the vastness
I've been losing myself in
And return that self
To my body.

But is there any way to do this
Without causing harm?
Without wounding myself
And those I love?
Is there any way
To tie myself down
That does not require pain?

If there is,
I'd like to know how.