Help
I can't get out
I'm stuck in my skull
With only a window

My words
Are stuck in my throat
Blocking the air

My reach is stuck
In my elbows
Wrapping my arms
Around my shoulders

Are you a prisoner
In your own body?
Can you see
Me in chains?

if you drank my tears
maybe you'd taste the things
i cant say
because these tears are the same
as the ones I cry inside my mind

They're not liars like the rest of me
So drink up
And let me free

The past few nights
Your touch has tantalized my mind.
The way you feel against me
Leaves me shaking
Unable to keep from crying.

Not because it hurts
Or because it burns me.
But because your touch is so sweet
I can't help but fear
That one day it will be ripped from my reach.

And this terror i feel
Is not your fault,
I have scars that still sting
And bruises that don't fade.

They remind of the ones who left them,
Who left me.
They remind me
That you could do the same.

I hate the ones who left them
And I hate myself for still feeling their pain.
And letting their pain grow evergreen
In my brain.

They cut me deep
And i cant stop the bleeding.
They cut me so deep
I felt it fitting
To cut myself too.

I hate that i'm like this.
I hate that i can't just let go
Of all the memories
That broke my heart repeatedly.

If you knew what i felt,
You wouldn't feel the same.
If you could see me right now
Ugly crying and gasping for air,
You'd want nothing to do with me.

You said you love me
But how do you know?
Would you still love me
If i told you that i can't sleep
With your memory so fresh in my head?

I know what you'd say,
Something about me having to work on it.
And i know that
I know that this anxiety is something
That only i can dispel.

But validation
reassurance
a tight embrace
would make it so much easier
for me to look at your face
and not feel my heart ripping itself to shreds.

So keep telling me you love me
Keep holding me close
Keep kissing me
Just tell me everything will be okay
even if its a lie
even if it'll only calm my tides for a day

That first night
You didn't touch me
You didn't kiss me
I thought you couldn't care less

Then you touched my waist
And kissed my lips
And I couldn't help
But come back for more

To be yours
Wasn't what I intended
To feel so alone without you
Was never the plan

You were supposed to be
A passing thought
A stitch for my broken heart
The kind that disolve
When no longer needed

How did you catch me
Like a mouse in a trap
I am small and weak
And you are all too enticing

Now I'm terrified
Losing my mind
Because I'm too familiar
With what happens
When my heart shows its passions

Baby please
Don't hurt me
I don't think I could take
Another fall
Not from a height so tall

Don't prove me
And my tragic mind right
I want nothing more
Than to see that famous light

The one that people are drawn to
The one that I thought I saw
But ended up being another
Deep dark black hole after all

I don't want to be so stupid
As to be hopeful again
But i can't help praying
This dream doesn't end

So baby
Don't hurt me
I'm much more fragile
Than I seem

Prone to bruising
And scarring
I might as well
Start tying my own noose

Because I know the truth
Of what is to come
But knowing won't make it
Hurt any less than I expect

Im begging you
Please
Don't drop me from
Your precious mind

Don't make me
Take my hands
And lose them in
My hair

Just keep me close
Pretend to care
When I cry
At least tell me
Things will be alright

I'm in over my head
But that's nothing new
And I should have known
Not to get too close to you

But here we are
And I need you to see
That I've accidentally
Given you the power
To **** me

Be mindful of your strength
And the way which words
Roll off your tongue
Because I'll take every one
As a sign of what is to come

Be gentle with me
Handle with care
Because I have a habit
Of caring too much
And I'm trying not to
I swear

I'm trying not to let you
And your beautiful face
Affect me so deeply
To strike me so true

But I'll pick up
On the tiny ways
Your voice will change
When you decide
I'm too much
And you've had enough

Don't hurt me
The way I imagine you will
I know you can see
The terror in me

So do your best
To **** me with ease
Make it fast
Make it painless
Make me want it

Do something so despicable
That I **** you instead
**** us

I know you won't
But I can only dream
It's the only way
To lessen the inevitable pain

Otherwise
Just hold me
Tight so I feel safe
Close so I can hear your heart
Hopefully it wants me
Just as mine wants to stay alive

i sometimes think
that i've defeated the reaper
that lives in my finger tips.
the reaper that commandeered my hands
and made them weapons of
self destruction.

he lies dormant
long enough to convince me
that he's found another home.  
but he takes me hostage
every now and again
to remind me he's here.

i forgot the thoughts
of an early death
and lived like i was planning
for next year.
i've been expecting a future
that i'm not sure exists.

but the reaper has made me
recall the consideration
that i may not be fit to live
a life as long as i would like.

as of right now
i have no plans to interrupt this life
with eternal sleep.
but i cannot promise
that in some time
the reaper will not convince me.

so while he sleeps
while i still have time
theres so much
i need to do before i die.

i need to feel love
without the fear
of that love being expunged.
i need to find my God
whether he be the one
i've been shown or not.

i want so badly
to look at myself
the same way
i look at a flower.
i want so badly to see
what others say they see in me.

i've always wanted
to be something good.
a good daughter,
lover,
friend.

and i have this desire
to help where i can
and not need any myself.
i want to matter
in a life besides my own
and hold value above my worth.

i don't want to
be a burden anymore.
i don't want to be
a pressing responsibility on anybody.
i don't want the few i love
to feel obligated to pick me out of
my own disasters.

i worry i won't fulfill
these aspirations in time.
the reaper will wake
and take control again
this time with the force
of ten thousand men.

ten thousand men
wielding my hands
instead of swords.
they turn my hands against me
as they had been turned before.

this time i will not survive.
such an incredible might
will devour and destroy
this fragile self i defend.

but what does it matter
what i want?
theres so much more
things that are so much bigger
than the desires of a deranged
little girl

I'm so sorry
I'm
So *******
Sorry
That I'm not as resilient
As I wish I could be

I'm so
**** sorry
That the world
And all its insignificant strings
Affect me so deeply

Even just simple sounds
And familiar sights
Make me feel like
I'm losing my
******* mind

I don't mean to
Cry so much
But it's almost like
My eyes don't care
What you think
Of me

I choke on tears
I hold them tightly
Inside me
And they knock
On the inside
Of my skull

They want to be
Free
They want to
Fall on your
Shoulders
And drench your
Shirt

They want to be
Seen
And heard
And loved
Just like
Me

I'll admit it
Because it's all
I have
This desire to be held
And understood
Unconditionally

Even as I write
As I type
My tears drip
Silently
Onto your bed

****
Why can't i
Keep them inside me
With the rest of the
Thoughts
I can't begin
To speak

They're so stupid
And so am I
For wanting to
Exist without question
Without depression

I'm so stupid
To want to be
Loved

To want to be
Secure
In your hands
And heart

In your mind
And in your bed
Would be heavenly

Like the way
You kiss me
Heavenly

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm
So
Sorry
That I'm such a
Stupid baby

I'm getting weaker by the hour
And the passage of time
Speeds faster and faster.

I built walls in my mind
To keep my worries
And sorrows confined.

Now they're falling down,
My fear is overflowing,
And I can't find solid ground.

Stop telling me what helped you,
Stop telling me what I should do,
Because you don't know the depth of this flood.

Stop telling me it's easy to find land
Because you can make your own sand.
I can't and I don't think I ever will.

For just one second
Please listen to me when I say
That I can't ******* breathe.

Telling me there's air all around
Will not force it into my lungs
And bring me back from the brink of death.

And when I say
I'm terrified,
It's not an invitation
For a lesson in bravery.

When I say I'm scared
It's not because I don't understand
Everything that's going on.

I understand just fine.
But understanding that the sun shines
Is not what makes it rise.

Stop telling me things
That I already know.
Stop telling me things
That are of no use.
And stop making my pain
About you.

I'm not as stupid
As you might think.
But being filled with knowledge
Doesn't mean I won't sink.

I'm not as blind
As you may believe.
You keep telling me to open my eyes
But I already see just fine
And clarity of vision
Is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge,
And I know you know
What that means.
So for the love of all that is holy
Stop pushing me.

You might think I can fly
But I already know I can't.
You might say
That you'll catch me.
But the arms of another
Are not what I need.

So next time you see tears in my eyes,
And it won't be far off,
Don't speak.
Don't preach.
Just listen
And hold me.

You don't know me
Like you think you do.
And I'm sure if you did,
You wouldn't want to.

I'm fragile and dark
Like a tree that's been burned.
I'm not the blooming flower
That I pretend to be.

And you would know that by now
If you were silent
And let me speak.

I've been quiet my whole life
And maybe that's part of the reason
I'm constantly overwhelmed.

I have so much to say
And no one to listen.
No one to open their ears
And hear me scream.

My screams have always been inward,
Echoing inside me.
If I could just let them out
Maybe they would stop killing me.

It's so loud inside my head
That most of the time
I wish I was dead.

But if I could take that volume
And let it disolve into the air,
Maybe I could sleep soundly
And stop running in my dreams.

So if you really want to help
And if you really care,
Please stop rambling about things
That won't bring my empty lungs air.

Some nights are fine.
But some nights,
Your face is all I can see
When I close my eyes.

You said that day
Haunts you,
But do you lose sleep
Like I do?

How many consecutive days
Have you stayed inside
Because you were too terrified
To go anywhere on your own?

When you walk to class,
Do you keep your head down
And your eyes on your feet
In fear that I might show up?

Do you need four million volts
In your bag at all times
Just to feel something close
To safe?

Do you cringe
When you think of me?
Do you still feel me
In your grips?

Did you find someone
To care about you?
Someone you care about too?
Can you ******* tears
When they kiss you?
Does it leave a guilty taste
On your lips
The way you left bruises on my hips?

When you hold them close
Are you reminded of the way
You held me throat?

Does your skin crawl
When they touch you,
Because no matter how close
You're dying to be
How loved you want to feel
You can't get rid of the memory of me?

No. Of course not.
You're not haunted.
You don't know what it's like
To have the ghost of someone
Who stole your sense of self
Live inside your mouth.
You don't know
What you did,
And I don't think you ever will.
But I hope one day
Someone makes you feel as small
As you made me feel.